the wrong side of the bed

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

disappointed in all my disappointments

yesterday i acted as though going to Target was not enough of an adventure for me. truthfully it is. it is, in fact, an adventure that i regularly participate in, and it is enough. i suppose that is good because i can keep myself satisfied with little things, but maybe i just don't want enough. you know, no risk taking and the like.

at Target i bought two small X-Men figurines. tonight, for my own amusement, i made the Beast and Wolverine dance. mostly because the package claimed they were poseable, but they can really only move their arms and swivel their hips a tiny bit. Hank and Logan slow danced with all the grace of 8th graders.

of all of the years of my life, i think i remember 8th grade the least. i can barely remember who i was friends with. danielle, erica, jeffrey, jeanette... anyone else? i can't even remember the teachers i had that year. mrs. beller for "earth science" and mrs. orebaugh for algebra. i took other classes. what were they?

the day that jeanette moved i didn't say goodbye. i was supposed to meet her after class to trade addresses, but she was running late or i was running late and i didn't want to miss the bus, so i left. i should have missed the bus. i have no idea what happened to jeanette. i am not even sure where she moved or what her last name was. i was too scared to miss the bus and so i lost a good friend.

for christmas, jeanette had given me some silly present - candy in a tiny red, metal basket, i think - and it was wrapped with a piece of metallic green mylar. i kept the paper pinned to my wall all through high school. i was actually quite scared of the piece of mylar. i used to sleep with two fans on when i was a kid because i never felt that i could breathe. the mylar was held to the wall with one thumb tack and it would flap a great deal in the wind tunnel that was my bedroom. i was always afraid it would fly off the wall when i was asleep, land directly over my mouth, and suffocate me. i never took it down and i never pinned it more securely to the wall. i remember staring at it when i couldn't sleep at night. i remember waiting for it to swoop down at me like a bat. why didn't i take it down? why did it scare me so much? why did it mean so much to me?

i miss jeanette. i am ashamed of myself for not saying goodbye.
10:29 PM


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