the wrong side of the bed

Sunday, October 30, 2005

people don't make no sense to me

remember me? i am training to be a sociologist. why? because human behavior is beyond inexplicable* to me. when i was an undergrad i seriously thought that sociology might help me understand people better, and that maybe i'd be able to navigate the world better. well, 200 million years of training later, i have to say, people are still fucking with my head. i don't get it.

don't suggest psychology. i pretty much hate psychology.

anyway, if you get a chance the next time we are hanging out, could you please explain all of your actions to me? seriously, at every step. "dorotha," you might say, "i am choosing the chair opposite of you rather than next to you so that we don't accidently touch each other, which would violate my understanding of rules of intimacy. also, it allows me to sit in such a way that i don't keep looking at the spot on your face where you have picked until there is a scab. that's just gross. plus, it reminds me of my acne filled high school years. no offense."

"none taken." i would reply.

* do you know how hard it was for me to spell "inexplicable"? i think i am still trying to do it.
9:59 AM | link | (2) comments

Saturday, October 29, 2005


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This is Constance. I'm posting tiny things on Dorotha's blog. Except for the tiny dogs (sorry Carey), Dorotha won't let me post the tiny dogs. "Creepy."

10:39 PM | link | (1) comments

i am dorotha, the pumpkin queen

nope, i don't have plans for halloween. i'm not really into it, plus it is dangerous around here. constance and crooked eye are coming over to my place to be together while being away from others. our festivities will include eating undercooked brownies, watching the nightmare before christmas, and eating mummified tofu pups. yep. good times. spooky times.

okay, i just talked to jeff. he's bailling on us. jerk.
6:14 PM | link | (1) comments

Friday, October 28, 2005

oh! belle! you are a life saver!

belle says i should wear a costume to school today! maybe that will get me out of bed. i should dress weird. perhaps like and undergrad? maybe like a hipster? ooooh!

i'm gonna shower. i'm gonna do it.

note: i hate blogger. i'm trying to upload a picture of a kid in a monkey suit. it isn't working. i will try again after my dang shower.
8:49 AM | link | (1) comments

why i never post*

i woke up late this morning. i was going to walk to school at 7:30 with connie, but i woke up at 7:30 and had to let her go alone. now i am still sitting on my couch, wishing someone else would make me get in the shower. i hate showering. i think it is genetic because my mom, sister, and brother have the same problem. we will sit around for hours knowing that the only thing keeping us from getting out of the damn house is showering, but it still won't make us do it.

i'm not happy about this day. i've got nothing to look forward to. i think i might work on some monsters tonight, but is that enough to get me to school?

go, dorotha. go. you are too self indulgent.

* if i always posted on days like this, my blog would be quite dull. duller.
8:29 AM | link | (2) comments

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

put a fork in me, i am done

i need an exit strategy. so far i have come up with:

marry an eccentric millionarie*
get a teaching certificate
live in my parents' attic

what do you suggest?

* special thanks to sean mccarthy for reminding me that marrying an eccentric and waiting for him to make his millions is probably a shot in the dark. better to grab someone rich and hope they become eccentric.
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Monday, October 24, 2005


this is the best picture of my and jon that i have come across so far.
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dead or alive; pick one

jon and i (and connie, sort of) participated in the zombie lurch on sunday. i found some pics on the internet. we aren't in this one, but it is a good picture to get the feel for things.

jon and i (and connie) were not zombie participants. we went were actually expressing our own agenda. as scientists, we were really encouraging people to support reanimation research (which you can sort of read on jon's sign).

anyway, i guess it is encouraging to know that jon and i (and connie) are not dead yet. here we are with the undead --
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Sunday, October 23, 2005

i'm like a flower and people are my sunshine

sundays kill me. i suffer from being alone. the longer i am alone the lest human i feel. when i was in high school, i actually believed myself to be less than human. i don't know if i can explain... i felt myself to be so different and so much less than those around me that i actually felt like not quite the same species. a mutation that was not going to survive in the population, if you will.

sundays make me feel like this. left alone, i have no one to reassure me that i am human. i often don't speak to anyone until after noon. this is intolerable. it hurts, hurts, hurts. by two i am imagining that i am some sort of horned hell-beast with the stench of garbage seeping from my poors. why would anyone want to be near me?

i need to get this to stop. last week i was going to try to work on not needing other people so much. but, then i forgot to work on it.
8:32 AM | link | (6) comments

Thursday, October 20, 2005

funny cuz it's true

this is my onion horoscope this week:

Gemini May 21 - June 21
While it's true that no one asked you if you wanted to be born, you must realize that's because you would have made a lot of demands as to when, where, and to whom.

i was definitely the kind of kid who yelled things like this at my parents A LOT.
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

my demands

i am willing to settle for two out of three of the following:

1. any kind of ipod
2. a digital camera (can be pretty shitty)
3. physical affection
7:53 PM | link | (5) comments

Monday, October 17, 2005

my mom lubs me

my parents only reccently (last year?) started telling me that they love me. my mother used to sign emails "lub" rather than have to commit to loving me. i know, they are shifty people, my parents. i'm suprised they haven't tried that "i love you, but i'm not in love with you" crap on me. gah!

anyway, some people say that actions speak louder than words. if so, those people might say that the fact that i have gotten a halloween care package from my mother for the 7 years i have lived outside of texas might indicate that i am loved.

to those people, i say maybe. maybe you are right.*

anyway, my mom sent me a blue sweater set, lots of candy, supplies for monster making, power puff girls madlibs, a strange ghost pen with a koosh ball for hair, miniature salt and paper shakers that i am sure that my dad got on an airplane, weird buttons and jewelry from a thrift store (for use in monster making), and the cute postcards pictured below.

*especially, i guess, when you factor in the easter care package which i get even though we are not christian or pagan.
12:08 PM | link | (3) comments

Sunday, October 16, 2005

i knew this would be a problem, but this article explains the magnitude and it is distressing

even reading this makes me feel sick. it makes me want to reach out to the people of new orleans while at the same time running like hell away from new orleans with my hand covering my mouth and nose. ugh.

anyway, read it while the link is still good.
7:40 AM | link | (1) comments

Friday, October 14, 2005


you may not think him capable, but this little guy is responsible for the post about jon last night. in fact, i was hanging out with jon when the robot wrote those unkind words about jon. and we were having a good time together. and jon is plenty smart. so, i don't know what kind of crack that robot was smoking.

anyway, maybe i ought to change my password so that this doesn't happen again.
10:51 AM | link | (1) comments

Thursday, October 13, 2005

why i hate jon

jon is just like jim anchower only stupider. check out this week's onion. jon is sooooo fucking high and dumb and he has no car. and he listens to T.Rex. and, also, i hope he is out of circulars next time i come over because i am so totally going to puke on his floor.
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you know who you are!

good god, i am pretty freaking awesome. why don't people who like me a little, like me more and also forever?

anyway, this isn't meant to sound whiny. i really don't know why people don't like me more than they do. i am quirky and awesome. i am never boring. i like to eat food. i have a lot of toys and you can play with them.

today i am dressed pretty funny. i'm wearing a shirt that used to belong to my pops. it is lavendar and has a super wide collar. i like to think about him strutting around in the 70's thinking about how good he looked in his lavendar shirt. people have been looking at me all day long. they kind of smile at me, but i think they might want to laugh at my shirt. plus i have on ridiculous earrings and some spangled bracelets. i'm pretty sure they want to laugh at me. i'm pretending all of the smiles are because people think i am so damn hot. because i am.

love me, why doncha?

update 6:26pm: i read this again, and it does sound whiny. i don't want to come off like i'm having some pity party. instead, i am try to take you to task for not liking me as much as you should given how fucking amazing i am. so there!
2:13 PM | link | (3) comments

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

sweet sad songs sung by lonely girls

yesterday i was just lonely. just lonely. do you know how much i want to talk to you? a lot. that is how much.

(okay, so i would talk to anyone. be my friend?)
8:27 AM | link | (3) comments

Monday, October 10, 2005

snot faucet

i am very allergic to this plant:

it makes me sneeze like crazy. it makes my nose run non-stop. it makes me feel like i do right now. but, there is no goldenrod here.
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i don't feel well

like i have been clenching my teeth too much. or like i have been sitting too close to a computer monitor or TV.
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to all the girls i've loved before

my friend jamie suprised me by being in town this past weekend. i didn't know she was coming, though it was planned well in advance. through my own fault, i am sort of out of the loop. i'm very bad at maintaining long-distance friendships. hell, if a friend gets an office on another floor in my building, i sometimes have a difficult time remembering to poke my head in and say hello occassionally. thankfully, jamie, sara, and amy are very forgiving. we had a lovely night, i thought, looking at cute pictures, being silly, and eating at the italian equivalent of denny's*.

next weekend, two good friends will be in town. careyoke and hazel. i can't wait. i really can't. i will be happy to see them both. i can say without any reservation that they are two of the most giving and dependable people i know. i love them and i miss them. careyoke will be staying with me at least one night, so i am cleaning my apartment in prepartion. this is a lot of work for me, and i am rather glad that she is coming because it is a task i have been putting off for a long time.

once everything is spit spot for careyoke, i am going to try to keep it that way. will you help me, dear friends, by coming to visit me? if i have an out of town guest every weekend, won't i have to be cleaner during the week? so, come to me. i need you in my life.

* fine, i admit it, i like to eat at the olive garden every once in a while. when i was growing up, we had nothing but chain restaurants anywhere near us (and one good chinese restaurant that wasn't a chain), and i sometimes get a taste for crappy italian food.
11:51 AM | link | (2) comments

Sunday, October 09, 2005

secret bloggers, that's what we are

i'm letting someone post on my blog. this person is ANONYMOUS. don't even try to guess who he or she is. seriously. i won't tell you. not even if you tickle me. anyway, here he or she goes:

Things not to do when you are trying to impress Constance:

(1) If you are a neurotic Jew, don't constantly talk about it.
(2) If my ass has a nice swivel when I walk, don't tell me about it.
(3) Do not get me to play thumb war with you just so that you can touch me.
(4) Do not ask me if I mean to be sending that message with my clothing.
(5) If you stereotype feminists, don't project the stereotype onto me.*
(6) If I show you my shaved armpit to prove you can't pin me down, do not ask to see it again.
(7) Do buy me a drink (feminists and non-feminists alike appreciate this).
(8) Do not constantly talk about how immature you are.
(9) Do not fondle anything that comes anywhere near my breasts.
(10) Certainly do not do all these things in one evening.

*If, in the 6 years I have been studying gender at the graduate level, I have not moved past thinking the things that you assume feminists think, I am a sad case indeed.
9:08 PM | link | (3) comments

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

get the led out

i have been noticing an awful lot of led zepplin t-shirts on the undergrads lately. i mentioned this to someone about a month ago and he thought it was just part of some larger trend of being into classic rock. i dunno. i can't remember seeing an increase in shirts for other bands, but maybe i am just sensitive to the led zepplin shirt design because in middle school i ruined a zepplin shirt that belonged to my sister. it was summertime and i was bored. for some reason i was wearing her blue tye-died led zepplin t-shirt while i made pictures from the drippings of crayons that i melted with a lighter (a lighter that i purchased specifically so i could burn things - pretty disturbing, i know). because i am careless, i managed to drip red-orange crayon down the front of her shirt. she was not pleased. anyway, maybe the lingering guilt makes me more highly atuned to led zepplin shirts than other people might be, but today as i was walking near state street, i saw a kid in a zepplin shirt and i started composing this blog post in my head. by the time i reached the end of that block, a second undergrad walked past in the same shirt.

this, i think, is a bit peculiar. can someone talk to these kids?
11:53 PM | link | (1) comments

i can't think for myself

i need some new music. you know my tastes. tell me what to buy.
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

would you rather.....

...come home to a broken heart or come home to a broken toilet?

why not both?

well, my toilet miraculously started working again after a mysterious and upsetting 30 minutes. nothing very bad happened, but i really wasn't looking forward to searching through my papers to find the after-hours emergency number for my rental company. plus, before it just decided to up and work, i had to stick my hand in a very rusty, very slimey toilet tank and screw around ineffectually with various mechanisms.

my heart isn't really broken, either. it is more like it is tired. and it has the faintest murmur, but nothing to worry about. anyway, i'm hoping not to have to open my chest and fiddle around with those mechanisms. i bet i would be just as slime and just as rust colored by the end of it, though.

update 10:51pm: well, my heart is much less broken than my toilet.
8:44 PM | link | (1) comments

Monday, October 03, 2005

i should be asleep

i am not. i am tired, but i am not asleep.

go to sleep. go to sleep.

who will wish me pleasant dreams?
11:45 PM | link | (3) comments

Sunday, October 02, 2005

inky, binky, bonky, daddy bought a donkey

yesterday, when constance and i were chatting, she said a word that rhymes with ink and into my head popped an "insult" that my brother and i used to toss back and forth like a game of hot potato. chuck and i checked out a book of insults from the children's section of the library when we were young. why? because of this comedic gem:

pink, pink
you stink

we were hoping for more as good as that one, but it was the cream of the crop. i haven't told my brother that he stinks in quite some time (though i did go through a phase about 6 years ago in which i called everyone i had affection for either "stinky" or "smelly" and sometimes i still use those terms with my brother).

i think it is about time for a phone call.
1:13 PM | link | (3) comments

like a good little orphan, i am never fully dressed without a smile

yesterday was crap. i felt miserable all day long. very moody. prone to outbursts of anger and tears. dunno why. today is starting out much better. so much better, in fact, that, unbidden, the lyrics to tomorrow popped into my head.

i have gone from pissy teenager angst to sacharine sweet optimism. i actually hope it doesn't last.

an aside: for those of you who know me well, i actually want to take a shower today. what is that about?
9:15 AM | link | (3) comments