the wrong side of the bed

Monday, May 31, 2004

family time

i just have one thing to say. my nephew, simon, is hilarious! he wanted cassidy, aaron, monkey boy, the small grey thing, and i to play a game he made up called "make a cake, IF YOU DARE!" i don't think he quite knew why we couldn't stop laughing when he would say, "come on! let's play 'make a cake, IF YOU DARE!' come on, you guys!"

i'm sure that there is more to report, but i am physically uncomfortable right now - it is a little hot tonight. i think i will just retire to my bed to read comic books.
10:43 PM | link | (0) comments

Sunday, May 30, 2004

feed lot

my mom feeds me too much. it's no wonder i've been chubby my whole life! she's making smoothies and biscuits for breakfast and for dinner we are going for indian food. for lunch, my guess is she will make me eat twelve avocados. avocado is my favorite food, so my mom has been careful to include it in almost every meal. she's also been feeding me sticks of butter. it is getting to the point where i am going to have to start putting branches through the bars when the witch comes by. nibble, nibble dorotha-mouse!*

last night, my mom, dad, and i watched "matchstick men". my pop picked it out. i was afraid it would make my mom worry about my mental health, but it didn't seem to. she made me watch "as good as it gets" and "what about bob?" because they remind her of me. i hated AGAIG but rather like WAB, probably because of my childhood crush on richard dreyfus.

* my nickname growing up was actually dorrie-mouse. you can call me that, if you like. it was also on my offical Discovery Zone nametag the summer i worked there and it was the name i went by when i hosted a children's radio show.
9:10 AM | link | (0) comments

Friday, May 28, 2004

six time losers

still in the woodlands. my dad and i had a contest tonight to see who could pick a movie that would make my mom cry the most. my dad won by about 10 tissues. i picked "Rabbit Proof Fence" banking on my mom's attachment to her own children and mother to tug the emotional heartstrings. my dad picked "Door to Door". if you haven't seen that move, be prepared to make a blubbering idiot of yourself. i mean, it is sad in such easy ways, but it still makes you cry. the interesting thing about these two films is that they are both based on true stories. i recommend both of them. especially if you love your mother.

last night my parents wanted to go to a meeting of people in the woodlands who support kerry for the presidency. i went along. it was a group of about 12 people who met at a starbucks (i told my mom that such a meeting would likely not take place at starbucks if we were in madison). the meeting was pretty funny because it really made nina's book, Avoiding Politics, hit home. at one point, an older man offered a suggestion for something that would rally people in the woodlands together and the organizer of the event said, "we are here to get a president elected, not talk partisan issues." the meeting was also funny, and a bit sad, because even i could recognize a lot of the people there. i mean, i haven't lived in the woodlands for 10 years, but i still can pick the 12 democrats out of a line-up. one of them is the head library for our branch. she helped co-ordinate my girl scout gold award project. it was embarassing because i was wearing my "i hate myself and want to die" shirt. there was another woman there that my parents and i thought we recognized from somewhere. she was thin and was dressed like a nurse. we were brainstorming where we might know her from and my mom said, "she looks like a unitarian" which caused us all to laugh because she did. the other funny thing is that it seemed to make sense to us that that was why she looked familiar even though we have never gone to church in the woodlands, unitarian or otherwise. my dad then told a joke he heard from garrison keeler (no, not in person). it goes like this: how do KKK members drive away unitarians? they burn a question mark in their lawn.

my question for you, dear reader, is this: is it okay to make fun of unitarians? can they be the new fat people?
11:23 PM | link | (0) comments

you're dead to me

i used to hate NYC. i'm not sure why. i think the idea of a city so large terrified me. i'm not some country girl, mind you. i grew up right outside of houston. but, growing up outside of houston, i never did much in the way of navigating. getting around NYC seemed an impossibly daunting task. when i was younger, i didn't understand the joys of the subway. and i have a phobia of buses.

i once told my friend sean that if he moved to new york, he was as good as dead to me and he should just say his goodbyes. he actually currently lives in the city that never sleeps and i still recognize his earthly pressence, so obviously my tune has changed.

i think, though, that my friends in madison must have a similar stance toward texas. guess what, y'all? i ain't dead yet! you can still email me. especially on my birthday and things like that. i will read it, i swear.

mumble, mumble... maybe i oughta just shuffle off this mortal coil. no one would notice. sniff.

an aside: i am still trying to finish my paper on schopenhauer and suicide. yesterday i wore my "i hate myself and i want to die" t-shirt in honor of my paper writing and to amuse my mom. the woodlands did not receive this shirt well. in madison, no one even looks at my when i wear it, but in my "hometown" it causes people to talk to me and offer hugs. huh.
3:56 AM | link | (0) comments

Thursday, May 27, 2004

they'll need a crane!

come mid june, they are going to demolish the houston IKEA. they have built a new and better one right next to it, so don't get your knickers in a twist over that. instead, start the twisting process over the fact that they are going to knock it down with the remaining merchandise STILL INSIDE! i find that to be distasteful. i mean, even if the cost of moving it next door is more than the profits that would be gained in selling the stuff, it still seems disgusting somehow, don't you think? maybe the last couple of days before the explosion they could let lower income families come in and just take stuff.

my mom and i are going to IKEA this evening. everyday until the destruction they are marking down merchandise. there are things that i need, for example a kitchen table and a bed, that i would like to get at IKEA, but i can't really get them home to madison. even if i could, i would have nowhere to put them until the move in august. i'm afraid the sale prices might go to my mom's head. she was talking about getting a kitchen table for me. i can just imagine liz and i driving back to madison with a table tied to the top of my car or sticking out of my trunk. we would be so much less aerodynamic then. how much would it slow us down?
8:47 AM | link | (0) comments

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

flowers and who'd a thunk it?

well, i'm in houston now. my drive from austin to the woodlands was uneventful except that i kept wanting to pull off the road to pick wildflowers. i wished the small grey thing were there so we could make bouquets. i saw flowers that were not available in the field between my sister's house and wal-mart. when i got home, i discovered that my mom has one small bluebonnet plant that still has some flowers. that was nice, too.

i have already had several lengthy email exchanges with my long-lost-friend, alyssa. seems she has a lot to say. i hadn't spoken to her in maybe six years, so i guess there was time for notable things to happen. the most notable by far is that she and my other friend alexis broke up. i have to say that i am very relieved for alyssa. it is a long and horrible story, which i will spare you the details of, the same details that i spared you in this post, but alexis has demonstrated the ability to screw with people's heads. i was once lamenting about alexis, probably to my friend carole, and carole suggested that i give alexis the benefit of the doubt. after all, we were barely 20 when we knew each other! carole thought that i should assume that, just as i had matured (a little), alexis had probably done the same (at least a little). i am both sad and glad to find out that she has not. so, "ha!" to carole. i knew i was right to be a cynical bitch! i take this to mean that my pessimism and lack of faith in humanity should always guide my actions. oh... who am i kidding? i didn't need evidence from the alexis/alyssa story to justify my bitter hatred towards the world. i would have done it and have been doing it anyway.
4:26 PM | link | (0) comments

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

will work for toys

once i actually did work for toys. it was the first christmas season after i moved away from texas. i didn't have a lot of money cuz i was just a temp and i figured that i should work at toy joy as long as i was in austin. i was actually paid in toys and not wages. illegal? perhaps. but, i got a lot of toys that year, and so did all of my friends and loved ones.

today i did some more shopping with money that i do not have. i went to the korean stationery store and bought a bunch of stickers, paper, etc. and then went to the japanese stationery store and did the same thing. after that, i went to the feminist bookstore to buy one specific thing for a friend who didn't believe there are gay people in texas (i'm sure he was joking). now, i find that i have again spent over $100! what am i thinking? i don't have that kind of money to throw away on cute things, even if a lot of it is for other people!

at the feminist bookstore, i knew the women working the register. she lived in the women's co-ops at the same time that i did. she was dating someone then who i have been trying to find for the past few years. i found out that alyssa, my missing friend, is at emory. but i forgot to ask kristin to remind me of her last name. stupid! so, now i am off to scour the women's studies and sociology webpages of emory university. good thing i have such great stalking skills!
2:49 PM | link | (0) comments

we're gonna have a good time

yesterday was my birthday. i celebrated with my family and then went to Spider House (a coffee shop) with my friends. a small group of people was supposed to show up, but in the end only henry and carole where there. we had a really good time, though. henry and carole have similar enough mindsets that they blend well together in social situations. this is especially good because they are both starting grad school next year at UT in a library science program. i tried to convince them that grad school is cut throat and that they should try to sabotage each other, but they seemed much more inclined to help than hurt. a mistake if you ask me.

since not very many people showed, we were able to play MASH. do you remember MASH? it is an odd game that one plays during free time in elementary school. you use it to predict the future. we made some adaptations to the game (for example, you can no longer pick your choices for future partner, etc.) and it is way more fun (way!) our way. here are the results:

henry, the lucky bastard, will be living in a house in cleveland with his partner ira glass. they will have one cardboard cut-out baby in lieu of a real child, but as pets they will keep michael jackson's children. henry will ride on the back of the incredible hulk to his job as a draw-bridge operator. sadly, he will be addicted to orchids (as in the movie Adaptation) and he will enjoy looking at elephantitis porn. his only enemy in life will be russel crowe.

carole will live in a mansion in borneo with her partner carmen electra. all of their children have run away, so it wasn't possible to do a head count. she will ride The Great Space Coaster and will work as a grammarian. at night, she will come home to her loving hagfish, simon. she will be addicted to shaved ice and suffer terrible bouts of sentimentality. her only enemy in life (and the afterlife? i think he is dead) will be E.F. Hutton.

brad pitt's niece and i will make a charming life together with our three children. we will live in a mansion in ancient massachuesetts where i will ride an elephant caravan around town and especially to my job as the village dunce. sadly, i will be addicted to chocolate milk and my vice will be eating crackers with mucus (don't knock it till you try it!). my beloved pet soda can will bark fiercely and attack whenver my mortal foe, marie antoinette, enters the yard.

so, now you know my future. it does seem to make grad school unnecessary.
8:48 AM | link | (0) comments

Monday, May 24, 2004

an odd detail from my life

as of the end of this semester, cassidy, monkey, and i all have master's degrees. my mom says that she feels left out. it is kind of a shame because my mother is quite smart and even went back to school for a while for a second bachelor's degree (if i remember correctly). she just never got a chance to finish her second degree because of, well, cassidy, monkey, and me. i feel a little bad about it. of course, she did make her own choices and i was just a kid...

my dad has a PhD. he did his post-doc at yale, where i was born (just like GWB). i lived in new haven until i was about 2, then we moved to michigan and then to texas. when i was growing up in texas (just like GWB), i used to feel that i didn't fit in and that it must be because i was really meant to live on the east coast. i was quite snobby about it and considered myself somewhat superior to the people around me (after all, they said things like "fixin' ta" and "y'all").

when i was 23 i moved to new haven again, this time with my then partner. we lived in graduate student housing a block away from the graduate apartments that i lived in after i was born. i hated the city of new haven a lot. i hated my life in new haven a lot. in one year there, i made one friend. my partner had planned that i would live with him in new haven for one year and then start grad school myself. after he finished his program, he would move out to wherever i was in school. this didn't happen... but i digress. the real point of my relaying this to you is to tell you about a conversation that my mother and i had while i lived in new haven. i was talking to her on the phone about how miserable i was in new haven because my life was not my own. everyone i knew was from my partner's program. i worked as a temp (at the same place for a whole year!) doing filing. everyone at my job assumed i was stupid for the first five months. i remember that i was able to convince one man (who routinely verbally sexually harrassed me) that i was intelligent by talking about comparative primate morphology with him. i would come home from work at this terrible job, watch television, wait for my partner to call me, pick him up from school, and (i kid you not) cook him dinner. often he would stay at the studio until 11 at night. i watched a lot of VH1 behind the music. the highlight of my week was watching MST3K on sunday mornings. when i was talking to my mother about this, she told me that sometimes life is miserable. i told her that i felt like i was living my partner's life. she told me that sometimes it is the other person's turn. i said i wanted it to be my turn and she said it couldn't be. i asked her whose turn it was when she lived in new haven, when i was born, and she said that it was my dad's. i asked her why she never went to grad school because she would have enjoyed it. she said that it had never been her turn and besides she didn't know (still) what she wanted to do with her life.

so now all of her children have master's degrees and it has still never been my mother's turn.
10:46 AM | link | (0) comments

from the past

on saturday my brother, monkey boy, had a going away/graduation party. i was bitten quite a few times by mosquitos while in his yard. the only one that bothered me at the time was the one on my thumb. this morning, however, i am itchy all over! why now? on friday night the small grey thing and i picked wild flowers in the empty lot between my sister's neighborhood and the super wal-mart. i somehow completely managed to miss being bitten by anything then even though i expected a number of chigger bites. i was waist deep in weeds and wearing open-toed shoes. when the small grey thing and i got back to my sister's house to show off our collection of flowers aaron told us about the reccent rattle snake sighting at the next door neighbors' house. perhaps i should have been more cautious. the small grey thing stayed on cement when she did her cutting, while i ventured into the thick of the field to get to the purple flowers.

do you think, if it took two days for the mosiquito bites to irritate me, that i might find myself suddenly overcome with snake venom by this evening?
10:12 AM | link | (0) comments

Sunday, May 23, 2004

if that is your real name!

a note on the names i use in this post:

sometimes i use the real names of people that i write about and sometimes i don't. why? generally speaking, if the person has a public persona on the web, i don't feel like i need to protect that person, but if they are relatively absent from the internet universe, i don't want to be the force that brings them in. i'm not consistent about this, however. i do think i will use fake names for my family, though. mostly in case they are googling themselves and find this. it just wouldn't do for my mother to read anything i write! it is bad enough that she found a note that read "i hate mom" when she cleaned out my room after i left for college. i can't have her knowing the truth about how i feel about what i'm wearing to my kid brother's wedding! anyway, i am going to pick names for my family and friends, and you are going to have to live with that.

monkey or monkey boy = my kid brother
cassidy = my sister (this is the horrible name she would have used if she had a child while she was still in high school. ick!)
simon = my nephew (this is what my sister would have named my nephew if her husband's last name didn't start with "S")
small grey thing = my future sister-in-law. she likes grey things. she especially likes fattening up grey things, but she herself is quite small.
aaron = my brother-in-law. i think this may actually be his middle name. anyway, it suits him just fine.
7:54 PM | link | (0) comments

made of $$$

today i spent money. that is pretty much all that i did. i played with my nephew in the morning, read a little bit, and then spent almost $200 on snacks, comic books, and toys. i bought some presents for people back in madison, some of whom don't even deserve anything, but benefit from sharing the same taste as i do. i spent the most money by far at the toy store i used to work for, but i go there so rarely that it seemed justifiable. plus, i got stuff for katy, ang, reba, loopy, and autumn. the clerk who rang up my purchases was an insipid moron. when i am at the store, i have to fight the urge to manage people (and to eat candy off the shelf - we could eat all the candy we wanted while we worked), and there is always someone in need of managing. some of the employees were off in a corner talking about music and the girl who rang me up was insultingly condescending. i spoke to her for a little while and mentioned that i used to be a manager (some employees will give anyone who ever worked at the store the employee discount), and we chatted for a bit. i asked after the owner and the cashier, kate, said she was well. i said i was thinking of sending her a letter and kate said, in a super emphatic way, "you should really do that. i bet she would really like that. really, you should." we made some more small talk and i expressed suprise at my total. she said, "well, you made some really good choices with your purchases." what does that even mean? i spent a lot of money on crap, kate, and i know exactly how much mark up there is at the store.

the biggest bummer of my day wasn't spending millions of dollars i don't have. it was when henry pointed out that my black converse are really a very dark navy. what? i swear they were black yesterday.
7:39 PM | link | (0) comments

Saturday, May 22, 2004


i feel really bad for not posting more while i am in texas. the problem is, i can't post exactly when i feel like it because i'm not operating under my usual procedures. another big problem is that my nephew has decided that he and i are stuck together with magnets in our heads. this makes things very inconvenient for both of us because we keep suddenly being pulled together with our faces smashed together. even when we manage to pry our heads apart, we sometimes find that someone has spread glue on our fronts and we a similarly prevented from moving apart. once we were even dipped in honey and then wrapped up with duct tape. needless to say, this is not only causing problems for us now, but will probably be even more problematic when i have to return to wisconsin. also, my glasses get really smudge-y. especially that time we were covered in honey.
11:06 PM | link | (0) comments

Friday, May 21, 2004

time's a-wasting!

my friend, sir edwin pegasus, has requested that her friends make lists of summer time-wasters. what do i do in the summer to waste time, you ask? well i like to...

1. shop for skirts that i will never wear
2. eat flavor ice
3. watch lots of movies
4. mope and pine
5. work in reba's yard - manual labor feels good when all you do is sit in front of a computer
6. surf the internet (a non-seasonal time-waster)
7. drink pina coladas at the edgewater and pretend that i am a yuppy
8. paper crafts
9. day trips!
10. i suspect that i will also blog a lot, but this is untested
1:56 PM | link | (0) comments

when god made me born a yankee, he was teasin'*

well, i'm home! more accurately, i am at my sister's home in austin. i suppose if i were really home, i would be in the woodlands (tm) bored out of my mind and wondering if i should go to barnes and noble to kill time. i have spent enough time in austin, though, that i think i will claim it rather than north houston as my home.

i have a bunch of things to report, so i'm going to number them. get ready for a long post.

1. i am enjoying leftovers from Kim Phung, the world's best pho house, for my breakfast right now. they changed their menu a bit and my favorite dish is spicier, but it is still amazingly good and it still only costs $5.50. someone needs to get kinchy out here just to enjoy this. yum! the dish that i like the best is a big bowl of vermicelli served on a bed of lettuce and sprouts. on top is a stir fry of pretty much just scallions with hot pepper, garlic, and lemon grass. on top of that, the awesomest fried tofu you will ever eat. on the very top they sprinkle peanuts. yum! sooooo good. they also have awesome spring rolls.

2. liz and i got along well on the trip. everyone is always worried that i might fight with the person that i am travelling with when i go on long trips. i know that in my real life i am kind of grumpy and tend to pick fights, but i know better than to do that in a car. besides, i'm the kind of person that likes to say something really mean, leave quickly, and then go cry. you can't do that in a car.

3. we listened to all of Running With Scissors on the way down. we kept having to turn of the CD and take breaks. what a terrible life augusten lived. eek! my skin crawled right off my body multiple times.

hmm. i thought i had more to say, but i guess that is all for now. i should have called in my posts from the road because i kept thinking, "i should blog that" but i have forgotten all of those things that i meant to say.

anyway, today i don't know what i am going to do. i don't have a key to my sister's house yet, so i am kind of trapped right now. i want to go to Toy Joy, the store where i used to work, but i don't feel very motivated. i could get a key from my brother's fiance, but i haven't taken a shower yet and i don't really feel like starting my day. laziness may win. i think i might go to a picnic at my nephew's daycare later.

* for indigo girls fans among my readers (and i know there are some). i personally think the song this line is from is pretty corny (like most of emily's songs), but i always liked this line because i was born a yank myself, but am much more at home in texas.
10:47 AM | link | (0) comments

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

washing my mouth out

i've decided that, from now on, when i use more colorful language, i am going to replace vowels with astrices. you know, for the kids.
9:23 PM | link | (0) comments

a story from my stupid, kid brother. thanks, jerk!

jeremy lent me running with scissors to listen to in the car when liz and i drive to texas tomorrow. thanks! books on CD make long trips fly by, i find.

my dad's a big fan of audio books, too. he commutes from one side of houston to the other twice a day (i swear it has killed part of his brain).

this weekend, my brother and his fiance were in town for a wedding shower. mom and dad took them out to lunch on saturday. dad turned on the car and his audio book started up. mom made a move to turn it off and my dad, charmer that he is, got mad and insisted on listening to it (even though no one else knew what the f*ck was going on in the story). before they even reached the end of the block, the narration was suddenly about sex. my mom got really uncomfortable, but since my dad had just been such an *ss, my mom didn't want to ask him to turn it off. by the time they turned onto the main road, one character said, "i prefer the word 'c*nt'. it's so much more... visceral." by then my mom was nearly apoplectic, but still didn't turn the tape off (because my dad is an *ss). dad finally turned the tape off, and then my mom tried to turn the conversation to something more benign.
9:00 PM | link | (0) comments

lose my head

well, autumn and i just tore the union apart looking for the things i lost yesterday at the TAA meeting, but to no avail. here is what i am now without:

an assortment of travel-sized soaps
two pens that also have bubble wands
a reader's digest
a symphony bar
a butterfinger
two packages of peanuts
two packages of almonds
a box of hot tamales
a crossword puzzle book
5 twenty dollar bills
an orange

i'm pretty upset because i really wanted to know about "life in these here united states" and about katie couric. and i truly needed some vitamin C.

oh, yeah, and i also really needed $100. i'm a fucking moron. from now on i'm hot gluing my belongs to me.
3:15 PM | link | (0) comments

i think i'll make a snappy new day

okay, i have a lot to do this morning -DMV, oil change, find something i lost at the TAA yesterday, buy my brother's wedding present - but i am loathe to leave the house. i'm just scared about beginning my day because then i will have to complete it. blah.
8:13 AM | link | (0) comments

Monday, May 17, 2004

going to texas, bright and sunny texas!

when i was in 4th grade, our school play was called Going To Texas. it was about whitey settling in the lone star state. the play was massively offensive and i will save that for another post. but, i am about to leave for texas and the song from the play is playing over and over in my head. before i leave, here are things i need to do:

1. get my driver's license renewed. it expires on my birthday which will happen while i'm away.
2. make sure my insurance bill is paid.
3. pay my rent.
4. gather some school work together for the trip.
5. clean my apartment.
6. get my oil changed.
7. buy an element of my brother's wedding present.
8. mapquest!
9. pay random bills.
10. pack.
11. turn in that stupid philosophy paper.

do you think i can get it all done?
8:17 AM | link | (0) comments

blogger invitational

angela wants us to weigh in on our favorite and least favorite madison restaurants. i'm gonna have to say that my favorite is Cafe Continental because of the awesome grilled polenta with roasted fennel. it makes my mouth water just thinking about it. i also love that it is sort of a classy place, but every time we decide to go there, we are dressed like we have spent the day cleaning out an attic. my least favorite restaurant is Vientiane Palace on gorham. i've only been there a few times, but every time there has been something wrong with my food. for example, the first time i ate there, the squash in my squash curry was burned to the point of being blackened. revolting!
8:05 AM | link | (0) comments

Sunday, May 16, 2004

spoiled rotten

katy's roommate darcie (darcy?) gave me a present because of a post in which i claim that i don't get enough presents. to be fair, i really do get a lot of gifts. angela says i get more than anyone she knows. it is probably true. before my nephew was born, i always had the biggest haul at christmas. my mom is always sending me care packages. reba and loopy buy me expensive dinners. jeremy copies CDs for me. i get lots of loot. i certainly don't deserve so many gifts, i guess. i think it is probably just that i like easy to get junk. i mean, stickers make me pretty happy. i'm easy to figure out. i purr like a kitten when people give me attention. some people have expensive tastes. i like crap, junk, and pats on the head.

thanks for the presents, darcie. it is so sweet of you.i will endeavor to be worthy. the gifts were perfect and i nearly cried when i saw them.
9:03 PM | link | (0) comments

flowers for emily

do you ever feel like other people's lives are progressing forward while you are trapped in some terrible regression? i sort of feel that way, but i know it not to be true. i think instead that it is more like i progressed to a certain point and then, rather than turning right back around, have taken turns for the worse. when i was in high school a boy in my art class told the rest of the students that i was exactly the same as i was in kindergarten. he was sort of right, but mostly not. aaron, what would you think now? i would be unrecognizably flawed in wholly new ways, i suspect.
4:48 PM | link | (0) comments

pot kettle

so, i re-read the interview with Tina Fey in the most reccent Bust. i have a lot more respect for her after watching "mean girls". anyway, here are some excerpts that might tickle some of you:

when asked if she was a mean girl in high school, tina said, "... i would try to make people laugh at other people's expense. i was always trying to craft the most cutting possible comment about any situation. by the time i was 20, i really felt like other people saw me and thought, 'oh, that girl is kind of funny, but she's really scathing and mostly just mean.' i didn't like feeling that way. i actually made an effort to cool it a little bit by the time i got to college..."

and when asked whether or not being mean is a necessary part of being funny, tina said, "i hope not. i'm really trying to move away from it. a lot of times, when we're getting an 'Update' ready, we'll count and go, 'mean, mean, mean - too many take one of these out. put a lighter one in.' Because i don't think you can have a long future in that. you can be mean and caustic in your teens and your 20s, but if you keep it going, by the time you're 40, you're just going to be a cunt. you're just going to be an old cunt..."

something to think about, i guess. i mean, autumn's nickname for me is "cunty" and there is probably a reason for that. i guess since i am a suck-ass grad student, i really have no excuse (like a career in comedy writing) to be a scathing bitch. hmm.
2:40 PM | link | (0) comments

project: crushed out!

i have a card that i have been sitting on for months now. i'm just waiting for someone to give it to. here's how it reads:

I'm an honest tax payer and a responsible consumer.
I've got ketchup packets in my glove compartment, and I
have to jiggle the handle to make my toilet stop running.
By all this I just mean to say that I'm a reasonably normal
person with a reasonably normal life. That is, except for the
increasingly obvious fact that I have a raging crush on you.

so, um, yeah. you see how i really need to get on this, right? i'm mean, this card isn't getting any younger, you know.
2:27 PM | link | (4) comments

5 things

ang and katy have been making lists of five things that are overrated and underrated, and in katy's case, five things that are, i guess, appropriately highly rated. i don't know if i can pull off a good list right now. here's how i think it might read:

5 things that are overrated:
1. people
2. people
3. people
4. people
5. breakfast food

i don't know. i am really grumpy. should i try for real? okay, i will.

5 things that are overrated:
1. aquaintances - i'd like to just keep things friends and strangers, thanks.
2. perfume
3. non-prescription drugs
4. glamor and elegance
5. crepes
BONUS: joseph cornell

5 things that are way underrated:
1. waking up early
2. girls with hairy armpits
3. the south
4. people with poor musicianship who make up for it with earnestness
5. "romy and michelle's high school reunion"

5 things that people are dead-on right about:
1. clean laundry
2. the farmer's market
3. funnel cake
4. red wagons
5. ergh... this is hard... ah... how 'bout new boxes of crayons?

that was harder than it looked.
1:13 PM | link | (0) comments

my so called straight dad

when i was in high school, i really wanted my father to be gay. my dad was sort of a jerk. i thought that, perhaps, he had a secret life and a secret gay lover. i imagined that the stress of pretending to be straight would be enough to make anyone something of an uncaring bastard. but, my dad is straight.

liz's dad is also, um, straight. okay, he's clearly not. take, for example, the fact that liz's dad has remarked on multiple occassions that "that hugh grant is one good looking man." for those of you who share a colin firth obsession, you will be glad to know that liz's dad also pops in "pride and prejudice" pretty much once a week. makes me feel like we should give colin and hugh a head's up come next christmas.
12:05 AM | link | (0) comments

Saturday, May 15, 2004

on second thought...

so, michelle has noticed that the women in "love actually" who have no familial obligations end up happy. the ones with children, spouses, husbands all end up sacraficing. ah. that does suck, doesn't it? the things i said yesterday are still true, though.

and it is still funny that there is sea life at the birth of jesus.

p.s. and back in the 80's, michelle thought you could get HIV through swimming pools.

p.p.s. you will want to watch yourself around dogs when it is your period. they may want to have sex with you. or so says michelle's mother. and, you should never have sex with dogs, or the puppies will be retarded. or so says sean's dad.
11:44 PM | link | (0) comments

go lady hormones!!!!

michelle and liz and i have been hanging out all day. i know, i know... i still need to finish my philosophy paper! tomorrow, okay? i had to watch "mean girls". i know what my priorities are. anyway, we thought it was totally awesome. laugh out loud funny and all that. my favorite part was probably tim meadows. as liz pointed out, he plays a great straight man. we give the movie a whole slew of stars.

after the movie, we decided to hang out at the mall. not only did liz and i introduce michelle to the wonders of Claire's Boutique and Hot Topic, but we also went to A Dollar. i want to say that this is the best dollar find i have ever had, but that goes to my favorite stickers ever (exotic fruits and vegetables on a glittery background). this is one of my top five dollar store purchase, though. i bought.... wait for it... athletic socks that say "lover" at the top. lover? what? seriously. they are athletic socks with stripes. above the stripes is the word lover. no joke. i bought two pairs.

liz, michelle, and i finally came up with a name for our softball team. we are The Lady Hormones. lady hormones is what liz's dad calls birth control since he can't bring himself to say "birth control." will you sponsor us so we can get some team shirts?
8:23 PM | link | (0) comments

consequences of watching a romantic comedy

the Beast and Wolverine are still dancing. they have been since tuesday. it is one of the sweeter things i've seen in this life. the Beast has his head resting against Wolverine's chest (they are not properly to scale). one thing that saddens me about the pair is that, even while dancing, Woleverine's adamantium claws are drawn. Beast, you are a smart man, hadn't you best run? i fear that Wolverine is too emotionally damaged.

following the theme of last nights film, i wonder what will happen to this mutant pair come christmas. in "love actually" all of the characters went around professing undying love on christmas with the rationale that it was ... christmas. liz and i suspect this may be some weird british tradition to which we are unacustomed. in the film they also, inexplicably, had lobsters and octopi in the nativity play.
11:22 AM | link | (0) comments

electrician's day

wednesday, one of the lights in my kitchen burned out. thursday morning a light went out in my bathroom. thursday night it was the light over my bed. does it mean something? when i was in high school i read a story about a girl with psychic powers who was constantly inadvertently causing lights to burn out. so, ask me a question about the future, why doncha? let's see what i come up with. for now, i'm gonna go try to bend some spoons.
8:40 AM | link | (0) comments

Friday, May 14, 2004

teen movie

tonight i watched "love actually" with liz. it was both funny and sad. i have to confess that i cried, but i pretty much cry at anything. it wasn't a good film, but it was an enjoyable film with something for everyone. it had moments of cleverness and cute children, what more could you want? it was a little shy of making sense, though. parts of it were ridiculously obvious and parts were strangely obscure.

it reminded me of "four weddings and a funeral" which reminds me of my friend kim. kim and i didn't go to prom. instead we drove to austin and stayed at my sister's place. the night of prom we watched "four weddings and a funeral." at the time, we both loved it, and i suppose i probably still would, except for andi macdowell.

for a long time after that, kim and i were constantly accidently asking the other if she had seen the movie yet. it really happened multiple times. we would both always be genuinely offended that it was forgotten that we spend the evening of prom together watching the film. eventually it became a running joke between us that we could forget so easily what we had been doing instead of prom and who with.

here is what i remember from that trip to austin: in addition to watching "four weddings and a funeral" we bought matching fimo rings from Toy Joy. mine had a sun and hers had a moon. that is about all that i recall, except that i made kim sleep on a mat on the floor and i took the couch because i am allergic to cats and wanted to be further away from the cat hair generated by my sister's pet.

i was a bridesmaid in kim's wedding, for those who are keeping a tally. i was also her lab partner in AP biology.
10:23 PM | link | (0) comments

in like a lion

march tends to be a tumultous month for me. i have a relevant story, but think i will keep it to myself. i was twenty. things were unnecessarily complicated. i think i will leave it at that. however, the particular march i am thinking of brought with it a Big Change In My Personality, which, for the sake of simplicity, i think i will also keep to myself. what i will tell you, though, is that the change was accompanied by me giving up a habit. i used to pick up paper clips off the street and pin them to the pockets of my pants. my clothes were lined with paper clips. when i decided to change, i stopped picking up paper clips. i think i need to enact a similar change in my life, but what can i give up this time to remind myself? it needs to be something fairly innocous so that i can actually do it. i mean, giving up not cleaning my dishes won't work because i will inevitably not clean my dishes. i think that i will stop putting half & half in my coffee, which i only do if i buy coffee out. at home, it is always soy milk.
10:14 PM | link | (0) comments

nothing ever happens

boy am i grumpy! i just had a series of really unsatisfying, mostly unpleasant interactions. i am so glad that i am leaving for texas next week. i'm tired of this madtown bullshit. i need a fresh lime slush from sonic and a hug from my nephew. i think i would probably feel better if i finished my philosophy paper, but it seems as though i am not quite capable of doing that.

i've got nothing entertaining to tell you. wish i did. i don't even have a good rant to deliver or a funny website to link. i think i have what my friend henry calls "the boils" or something disturbingly similar. stupid boils.
10:35 AM | link | (0) comments

birth to earth, womb to tomb

i spoke to my mom last night about my heart murmur. she reminded me that immediately after i was born, my parents drove from connecticut to texas to show me off to the grandparents. okay, that's sweet and all, but i was born with a fucking heart murmur! the doctor told my parents to take me to the hospital if i cried a lot and turned red or if i stopped breathing. so my parents jumped in the car with their 4 year old and their one week old and drove to texas. my mom said that every time i cried, she wanted to go to a hospital. thanks, ma. i'm almost glad we didn't stop at every hospital in appalachia or east texas. anyway, they took me to my dad's pediatrician in dallas and the hospital where my aunt worked in mcallen. i was fine. good thing, or i'd be pretty pissed at my parents. or dead.

anyway, speaking of taking steps closer to the grave, it was reba's birthday on tuesday. i told my mom about it. she said that 39 was hard for her. it made her feel quite old, but that 40 was no biggie at all. she's 59 now. she said it feels sort of like being 60 two years in a row. i was suprised my mom even cared how old she is. worrying about aging seems sort of vain to me. i do it, but i'm sometimes vain. my mom, on the other hand, seems completely outside of that world.

my grandmother is probably about 87 years old. i'm not sure. she is the awesomest person ever. there is no one who doesn't like my grandmother. she chain smokes, watches c-span all day, and rarely bathes. she likes to putter around her house and garden and complain about republicans. anyway, she and my mom were talking this weekend and she told my mom, "god is overrated." you probably can't picture it, but i can. my grandmother is seriously cute, by the way. seriously.
6:51 AM | link | (0) comments

Thursday, May 13, 2004

one thing

i'm allowing myself to emerge from a pool of self-loathing to deliver a small, outwardly directed rant. what is up with every episode of ER being like "a very special blossom"? i mean, come on, it ends with a random road rage shooting? the single-mom nurse has to leave town to escape her deadbeat ex? what's going to happen next? some kids gonna get stuck in a fridge while playing hide and seek? natalie is gonna be the first one of the girls to have sex?
10:02 PM | link | (0) comments

for angela

this is an audio post - click to play

um... just trying out the new technology. i think this could be great for our karaoke outings. we can record jeremy's terrifying rendition of "girls just want to have fun" and other catastrophes.
2:49 PM | link

not mine

these are things that my friend henry does not like, but he thinks that you might:

Post-Henson Kermit the Frog
"Red, Red Wine" by UB40
Joe Matt's Peep Show
The comedy of Drew Carey
The scene in Superman 3 where the ray turns the woman into a robot
Sports video games
The science fiction of L. Ron Hubbard
Phantom of the Opera (the musical)
Home videos of mishaps and accidents
Star Wars, Episode II, Attack of the Clones
Hot tomatoes

i think i agree with henry that these are things that might suit you better.
11:32 AM | link | (0) comments

spousal hire me!!!

i'd been thinking lately that the only hope i have in this world is to be a spousal hire. i'm pretty mediocre as a grad student and i lack drive, but i'd be very happy to teach and think and make fun of other faculty members. isn't that what it is all about? but, god, don't make me work hard! instead, marry me! then i can take it easy, daddy-o.

so, that was my plan. my other plan is to leave grad school and open a toy store. but i need health insurance. so, if you are canadian, marry me! then we can peddle toys.

if you marry me, i promise to keep my area clean.
9:41 AM | link | (0) comments


i could not be grumpier this morning. i feel like the world is conspiring against me and yet, when i actually stop to assess things, i see that it is not. in fact, i am conspiring against me. why haven't i written my paper yet? shit.

just to get it out there, i am also incredibly worried after reading angela's post about financial aid. why would the faculty senate decide something like that? it is just evil. had i known, i would not have moved to a larger apartment. it is a damn good thing that i actually like ramen.
8:04 AM | link | (0) comments

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

glutton for punishment

dude, basically, i'm an idiot. you've read all my grousing about the TAA lately, right? well, tonight at the e-board meeting i agreed to 1) continue in my role as membership secretary this summer, 2) co-chair (with boian) the elections committee for fall officer ballotting, and 3) co-chair (with jon)the constitution and policy handbook update committee. the only one i really want to do is revamp the constitution. it's so vague that it makes me crazy. i actually have consistently been the most conservative in my interpretations of said document and i would really like to see it made more clear so that ridiculous things can't be read into it.

i worry that i might have some control issues.
7:48 PM | link | (0) comments

reasons i suck # 237

so, i can't write papers. i have one due today. i need to hand it in by five. out of 10-12 pages i have, oh... i guess about ZERO written! could i suck more? jeez louise!

i am really struggling with this philosophy paper. i just don't know what to argue. i don't know how to write a philosophy paper.
1:23 PM | link | (0) comments

utter failure

my trip to the dentist did not go well. i won't go into it too much. basically, i couldn't get my teeth cleaned because i had a heart murmur as a child. don't make me explain the relationship.

i did, however, learn that i have one small cavity and that i need to get my wisdom teeth removed.
12:05 PM | link | (0) comments

me and my llama are going to the dentist today

i haven't been to the dentist in years. it started when i was uninsured and has just continued as a bad habit throughout my adult life. i am not afraid of going to the dentist, at least not in the sense that most people are. i am nervous about the guilt they are gonna lay on me for not flossing. yes, world, that is right. i don't floss. i am lazy and gross. i don't floss. i own floss, i think about flossing, but i don't floss.

am i ready for this? bring on the guilt, hygenist! i will chomp on your guilt and spit it back out. grrrrrrr.
8:03 AM | link | (1) comments

hush-a-by and goodnight

you know i love you all dearly, yes? well, i have a confession to make. i'm so tired of the ongoing discussion of theory six that can be found on this blog and that blog. okay, so i have participated, i know. i have even fueled the discussion. hell, i nearly attacked someone at a bar because of it. but, i am ready to move on! why am i still single? is it because i'm boring? no! it is probably because i'm slovenly, mean, and i don't really care that i'm single! while this isn't true of the other people concerned with theory six - they all bathe and are all very nice - and not all of them have expressed the desire to end their singleness, i'm willing to bet that there are other factors afoot.

now, as for the ongoing debate on the relative numbers of boring men and boring women - isn't this in the eye of the beholder as dr. freese suggested a few posts back? i mean, i must confess to having dated at least one boring person in my day, but i was willing to let it slide. i went out of my way to find interesting things about the person* to fill my time when i might otherwise be thinking wistfully on the witty things they said. why? because he or she was tall. superficial? yes. i like dating people that are a lot taller than me, though i have also dated people shorter than me (keep this in mind, ang). mostly i feel like an oaf and dating someone taller than me makes me feel smaller. dumb, no?

anyway, as to the question of who is more boring men or women, i answer a resounding "theory six!"

* one tall, boring person i dated had a tiny upturn at the corner of her mouth. this was from the year she had been a mummy for halloween. at the end of the night, her step-father was cutting her out of the bandages and cut the corner of her mouth. i used to think about that story a lot. how did it fit into the formation of her personality? was it significant? what was her relationship like with her step-dad after that? when asked, she would say she never much thought about it. she and i were in a class together and she sat in front of me and slightly to the right (we had assigned seats). i remember that there was a black stain on the left leg of the overalls she would wear.
7:50 AM | link | (0) comments

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

disappointed in all my disappointments

yesterday i acted as though going to Target was not enough of an adventure for me. truthfully it is. it is, in fact, an adventure that i regularly participate in, and it is enough. i suppose that is good because i can keep myself satisfied with little things, but maybe i just don't want enough. you know, no risk taking and the like.

at Target i bought two small X-Men figurines. tonight, for my own amusement, i made the Beast and Wolverine dance. mostly because the package claimed they were poseable, but they can really only move their arms and swivel their hips a tiny bit. Hank and Logan slow danced with all the grace of 8th graders.

of all of the years of my life, i think i remember 8th grade the least. i can barely remember who i was friends with. danielle, erica, jeffrey, jeanette... anyone else? i can't even remember the teachers i had that year. mrs. beller for "earth science" and mrs. orebaugh for algebra. i took other classes. what were they?

the day that jeanette moved i didn't say goodbye. i was supposed to meet her after class to trade addresses, but she was running late or i was running late and i didn't want to miss the bus, so i left. i should have missed the bus. i have no idea what happened to jeanette. i am not even sure where she moved or what her last name was. i was too scared to miss the bus and so i lost a good friend.

for christmas, jeanette had given me some silly present - candy in a tiny red, metal basket, i think - and it was wrapped with a piece of metallic green mylar. i kept the paper pinned to my wall all through high school. i was actually quite scared of the piece of mylar. i used to sleep with two fans on when i was a kid because i never felt that i could breathe. the mylar was held to the wall with one thumb tack and it would flap a great deal in the wind tunnel that was my bedroom. i was always afraid it would fly off the wall when i was asleep, land directly over my mouth, and suffocate me. i never took it down and i never pinned it more securely to the wall. i remember staring at it when i couldn't sleep at night. i remember waiting for it to swoop down at me like a bat. why didn't i take it down? why did it scare me so much? why did it mean so much to me?

i miss jeanette. i am ashamed of myself for not saying goodbye.
10:29 PM | link | (0) comments

saints preserve us!

i dyed my hair last night and now i reek like embalming fluid. it's, um, disturbing. if the color weren't so obviously fake, i would just tell people that i was hanging out at the morgue last night. ah, the morgue.

when my mom was a kid she and her family lived on an old army base. the buildings had been converted to housing. my uncles' shared a room that was actually the old morgue for the base. explains so much about my mom's side of the family.
11:05 AM | link | (0) comments

Monday, May 10, 2004


check this super nice (if grammatically problematic) email from a student:

"Hey Dorotha,

Thanks again and Im glad you enjoyed my comment on my favorite author of all-time being R.L. Stine in discussion."

thanks, anonymous student! that particular day of class was a treat.

today at the final exam, my student dorotha, with whom i am obsessed, came up to me and said that she and some of the other students were going to ask me to hang out with them this summer. i could barely contain myself. angela became quite disturbed.

overall, i think this has been one of my worst semesters of teaching. i mean, i still cared about and enjoyed my students, but i didn't put as much into preparations for classes as i should have. i'd taught the class before, so i found myself winging it quite a bit when i didn't have time to adequately prepare. i hope my charms are enough to rescue my evals from the abysmal pits where they belong.

10:52 PM | link | (0) comments

big, dumb life

i was supposed to go on an adventure this afternoon, but just ended up at Target. that seems to be pretty par for the course in my life.

when i got home, i was feeling pretty ill. i didn't get enough sleep last night and i had my second caffeine of the day later than i like. my head was killing me. i took some painkiller. i had a panic attack. i went to sleep. i woke up drenched in sweat. blah. sometimes when i have panic attacks, i end up feeling really frustrated and sorry for myself. i mean, i have had anxiety problems since i was five years old! hardly seems fair, you know.

anyway, so i woke up feeling better (except for the drenched in sweat part, which is pretty gross) and made myself some dinner. started watching TV while i ate. ah, The Swan.

okay, i realize that commenting on reality TV is the stupidist thing a person can do next to actually watching reality TV. but, kee-rist! this show is nauseating and terrifying!

am i sick that this show actually makes me feel better about myself? i mean, i have this fucking panic disorder, but i am not on TV having someone suck the extra fat out of my body while i go to fake-o therapy and talk about how mean people were to me in middle school.

7:14 PM | link | (0) comments


the new blogger interface is so fucking terrible that i am thinking of writing an email of complaint.

where is my angry friend mike when i need him?

1:45 AM | link | (0) comments

misery loves

ugh. i feel terrible right now. i can't tell if it is a physical terrible (i feel sort of shaky and my stomach is upset) that is making me feel psychic distress (i am antsy, nervous, and sad), or if it is the other way around. urgh. i almost wish it were like throwing up when one has a migraine. i don't get migraines, but i hear that is the only way to get relief. come on up, dinner.
1:36 AM | link | (0) comments

Sunday, May 09, 2004

scoolgirl fantasy

i was reading Bitch earlier. there is an article about romantic attachments between teachers and students. i remember when i was an undergrad having lots of crushes on my TAs, but, to my knowledge, no student has ever had a crush on me. i mean, there was one kid who wrote "I love Dorotha" on the back of his exam, but he was just angling for a better grade. some may argue that the kid did have a crush on me, but i sincerely doubt it. he was an asshole-ish frat boy! it was probably more of a "martha dumptruck" moment than anything else.

one philosophy TA i had a crush on, ian, was from ireland. he wasn't a very good TA, but he would always say, "the professor is a fecking ee-jot!" in his thick irish accent. i don't really know how much of an idiot the professor actually was, but at the time i totally believed it to be true.
10:23 AM | link | (0) comments

same old, same old

this morning my mother tried to convince me that, if i made myself consciously aware, i would notice that at least once a day someone around me* claims that "what goes around comes around." or, is it "what comes around goes around?" in either case, i have not heard it today, except from my mother, but does that count? i suppose today it does, but in the future it will not count if i hear it from her. i mean, she could just call me everyday to say it.

my mother used to always say to me, "with you, dorotha, i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. a rock and a hard place." and "dorotha, with you i am damned if i do and damned if i don't. damned if i do and damned if i don't." she used to always repeat it, just like that.

from this you may guess that my mother is, at heart, a pessimist. and a bit fatalistic.

anyway, i wish i could molt. i was thinking about this just now as i was washing my face before bed. i bought some scrubby, disposable face towels with the thought that i needed a greater amount of exfoliation in my life. scrubbing my face, though, didn't seem enough. i feel like there is quite a thick layer of epidermis that i could stand to lose. i think i need something with ground up apricot pits.

* i believe my mother would also count references to this saying in any form of media that i am exposed to in a given day.
1:40 AM | link | (0) comments

Saturday, May 08, 2004

students suck

why do students have such a huge sense of entitlement? i'm so angry right now at one student. reba wouldn't let me send a scathing email to her, but i have saved a draft of it in case she gives me any more attitude.
6:19 PM | link | (0) comments

um... gross!

i'm watching some saturday morning cartoons. i just saw commercials for some very disgusting products. the first was for JELL-O pudding sticks which are tubes of cookie flavored pudding that you can just squeeze into your mouth. the other product was from Lucas Candy, a Mexican candy company that I had never heard of before. the "treat" they were advertising was for crazy hair, a sour ooze that is extruded through a grate to make strands of lickable goo.

not much grosses me out, but ICK!!!
9:34 AM | link | (0) comments

Friday, May 07, 2004

best friends forever

the little boy who comes to my girl scout troop drew a picture for me today. i was helping the girls cut things, so he drew me holding scissors. i asked if he could draw himself, too. he did. it looks like we might be holding hands, but since i know what the picture was before, i know that i am actually about to cut his hand off with the aforementioned scissors. underneath he wrote "your my fired!" i believe he means that i am his friend, however, given the damage i am about to do to his hand, perhaps he is meaning to fire me.
11:44 PM | link | (0) comments

all i wanna do is ride bikes with you, and stay up late and watch cartoons

jeremy thinks that in the movie version of life, i should be played by a cartoon. i should think that would actually make a lot of sense, given that i try to look like a comic book character.

my friend sean has a roommate that i kind of hate*. i have to say that the only thing that i like about zak is that he once described me as looking like "a claymation girl who might ride a dinosaur." i don't know where i would get a dinosaur, but i appreciate the sentiment.

* don't read too much into me hating zak. hating is really sort of a hobby of mine and shouldn't be taken seriously. incidentally, my friend jon last night expressed doubt that i am full of hate. he thought i didn't have it in me. oh, jon, the things you don't know!
8:59 AM | link | (0) comments

Thursday, May 06, 2004

master of the universe

my brother and i once tried to remember the name of he-man's cat. we argued about it for a long time on a car trip or something. anyway, tonight i was reminded, by a member of the press, that when not in battle mode, and thus called "battle cat", he-man's cat was named "cringer."

11:12 PM | link | (0) comments

i thought i was teaching my students, but all along i was learning from them!

my students arranged a study session last night, but only four of them showed up. they were, as i expected, very cute while studying. i answered questions for them, so i don't think my presence there was a total waste, but i suppose they would have preferred a review sheet. i just said things like, "no, you are thinking of symbolic interactionism." big help, right?

there is one student, also named dorotha, who i am rather fond of. she seems a lot like me. we have the same favorite movie, the same shoes, the same taste in comic books, etc. last night she told me that she has seen me walking to school and lives one block behind me. this is just one more coincidence that will fuel my growing obsession with this student. i actually told her, "we can hang out together when you are no longer my student!" the last time she was in my office, reba had to usher her out before i made her look at all of the toys i keep at my desk.

the other day a different student came by my office hours to get help with her paper. after we finished talking about her paper, i started lamenting about my philosophy paper (which i am supposed to be working on right now). i told her that i am stupid and i hate writing. she told me, "just write your paper, sweetie. you will feel so much better once you turn it in." my own students feel the need to mother me! it is kind of cute. in a turn much like my own mother, she followed that sentence up with "sometimes it helps to pretend that your professor will actually kill you if you don't turn your work in." yeah, thanks ma.

i got an email from yet another student this morning that ended with this:
"I GREATLY appreciate your continuous effort!"

glad i could help!
6:25 AM | link | (0) comments

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

my name is dorotha. i live on the third floor.

as predicted, i saw the philosophy kid today. it was at the union when i was studying with my students. fortunately, we both pretended not to notice the other.
11:21 PM | link | (0) comments

when i was just a little girl, i asked my mother, "what will i be?"

remember how my kid brother is getting married? well, i exchanged some emails with him today about what i am supposed to wear as a bridesmaid. i am not to keen on the idea of wearing a dress, you know. i sort of have the build of a forgotten claymation figurine circa the heyday of Gumby. that being the case, i am not really interested squishing myself into a spaghetti strap thing just to match the other bridesmaid. my brother said it was fine if i wore what the groomsmen are wearing, which will be guayabara shirts and slacks. seems fine to me!

i told my mom that chuck and jenny said i could wear a guayabara shirt "just like my friend henry" and she freaked out. she thinks if i do this i will somehow being taking attention away from the wedding couple. "ooooh!" people will squeal, "gender transgression!!!!" people will leave the wedding not even knowing that it happened. all because i will be dressed like a boy!

i don't understand my mother sometimes. she has some wacko ideas about gender, if you ask me. i mean, when this whole wedding thing started, she told me that she and my dad had actually had a discussion when i was thirteen in which they started saving money for my wedding. what? i told my mom when i was five that i had no intention of getting married. people never listen to kids. anyway, my parents didn't save money for chuck's wedding because he is a boy.

i told my mom that she was "anti-feminist" and then i told her she wasn't allowed to argue with me about it because i would win. yes, i'm a jerk.

after i talked to my mom, i asked my brother, just to make sure, and it is fine with him if i dress like henry and david. henry is very excited about it.
10:56 PM | link | (0) comments

i'd like to visit the moon, but i don't think i'd like to live there.

last night the moon was amazingly large in the sky. it looked like a paper disc that someone was hanging above from a fishing line. was i in a play last night? it would have been boring, unless the focus was on the sky and not on the people involved.

i don't know. i'm not often struck by the beauty of the world, but sometimes the sky is beautiful. in fact, yesterday i noticed the color of the sky on three separate occasions. when i was walking to school, the contrast between the blue of the sky and the pink of the trees near library mall was stunning.

sometimes i also appreciate people being people-y. most of the time, people fill me with a slowly bubbling contempt that may someday overwhelm me, but sometimes, even when i see people fighting with each other, i get a funny feeling, like this is what it is supposed to be about. when i think about my students, in the abstract, i often get this feeling. i love thinking about my students studying. they are so cute, determined, and worried. the abstract idea of my students suddenly coincides with the reality at this time of year. tonight i'm going to a review session that my students coordinated on their own. i told them i didn't have time to plan it, but if they scheduled one, i would show up. so, tonight at seven i will join my students at memorial union to study. will they seem as perfect as last night's moon? should i let them know?

you, dear reader, are the perfect color of blue.
7:27 AM | link | (0) comments

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

like an old married couple

if i were to marry anyone, it would be ang. mostly to irritate her, i confess. i get so much delight in hearing her say, "how many times do i have to tell you i'm straight!" for some reason, our office is always trying to get angela to at least try-out for the other team.

today, sadly, i realized that angela and i have run out of things to say to each other. i started telling her two or three stories only to have her say, "yeah, i've heard that one, too." angela, where are all of the stories that, according to jeremy, we should have been creating together? don't you find me funny anymore? don't you love me anymore?
9:39 PM | link | (0) comments

girls don't always make passes at boys who wear glasses

my last philosophy class for the semester (life?) was today. i really hated that class, i didn't care for the professor (though he was nice to me today), and i found most of my classmates boring. one kid in particular irritated me a lot. he had a very precise way of speaking, clearly read a lot of ayn rand, and sucked up to the professor and the thin girl in class. today, the professor gave us some beer as an end of semester treat (i am giving my students pencils). at the end of class, the kid i dislike said, "thank you for the libations, sir." libations?!?!?! what a tool!

anyway, i just got back home from getting groceries. as i was walking across my parking lot, i looked up as someone opened their blinds. it was the tool-y kid! his apartment is right across from mine. how had i never seen him in the hall all semester? i mean, i almost never see anyone in my apartment. i remembered, all of a sudden, that i had seen him before. i remembered once talking to the guy across the hall from me a year ago and thinking "cool glasses."

of course, when i got to my apartment door, he was coming out of his apartment.

"oh, it's you!"
"i didn't know you lived here all along!"
"yeah, i didn't know until i looked up in the parking lot just now and saw you opening your blinds" (yes, this is a creepy thing to say)
"how did we never see each other before?"
"actually, i think we did. i remember your glasses now." (here we both touch our glasses)
"neat. is yours the car in the lot with the TAA sticker?"
"yeah." (i know the kid is anti-union and i didn't want to talk about that)
"well, um, cool beans!"

cool beans?!?!? who says cool beans? i mean, my sister used to say it 15 years ago when she was in high school, but even then it made no fucking sense! cool beans! bah!!!!

now i hate this kid even more and i will probably see him everyday.
9:08 PM | link | (0) comments

do you like pina coladas?

i have started a quest for the perfect glasses to date. if you have any glasses that you are not using anymore, consider donating them to me. i will select one pair (perhaps to wed?) and give the rest to a charity that gives glasses to those in need. whadaya say? ang already gave me a pair...
8:18 AM | link | (0) comments

friends like these

i went out last night to celebrate my friend's defense of her dissertation. she's in physics and atmospheric something-or-other, so i really have no idea what the hell her dissertation is about. most of the people that we were hanging out with were from the union and none of them were sociologists. i was having fun getting them to explain their research to me while i pretended to understand. here's the break down:

jon, from material sciences and engineering: something about crystalline structures and strain?

pablo*, from geography: refused to talk about anything except for porn. this isn't his research. i think he is thinking of dropping out.

boian, from math: i don't know! but i do know that he is the "grand integrator" of madison. some math contest he recently participated in.

rob, from english: the history of intellectual labor.

amihan, physics and atmospheric and oceanic sciences: something about the topography of something.

anyway, we also made lists of our bad habits, at my urging. here is the list they came up with for me:

1. unexpected rages
2. sociologist
3. creepy (i added this one)
4. stalker tendencies
5. too much time on internet (i added this one)
6. hates tentacle-rape anime (is this a bad habit? everyone should hate tentacle-rape anime.)
7. demanding
8. narcissistic
9. awesome (i added this one)
10. please take the spoon (boian added this one)
11. smokes crack (i must have just said something weird)

there was also some mystery dude there that i don't know. he's amihan's officemate. anyway, his list of bad habits includes the fact that he plays soccer badly. i think that is an awesome bad habit. i'm going to nominate that for my twelfth bad habit. if you have any others for the list, please let me know. i promise to compile a profile of my negative traits. i think it could be for the good of the world.

* names changed to protect the, um, innocent.
7:45 AM | link | (0) comments

Monday, May 03, 2004

letter of recommendation

i just had a meeting with jeremy. i wanted him to tell me definitively, "dorotha, get the heck out of here!" or "dorotha, the discipline needs a mind like yours!" of course, he said no such thing. he told me to set myself some concrete deadlines. good advice, no?

i wish this weren't the case, but every semester i have conversations about wanting to leave. i don't know if i am cut out for this stuff. blah.

anyway, after my meeting with jeremy, i suddenly remembered the conversation i had with a faculty member at the university of texas. i was a junior in college, i think. my semester was going pretty poorly and i was having some serious mental health issues. i went to tell the professor that i was going fail the class because i had no intention of writing the final paper. he told me "you remind me of a bipolar grad student i once had who killed himself." the professor gave me an incomplete, i never wrote the paper, and in a year the grade turned into an F. later, he was actually a reader for my undegrad thesis, and eventually wrote me some letters of rec for graduate school. it occurs to me now that, if i really reminded him of a student who committed suicide, was it that kind of him to recommend me for grad school?
5:05 PM | link | (0) comments

All your life you've never seen a woman taken by the wind

today in a presentation, a student mentioned the website devoted to pictures of stevie nicks with fans. why would this student suddenly mention this website? do you think he is stalking me? this is the same student who, after he saw angela give a guest lecture in another class, confessed to me that he was "enamored" of her.
2:49 PM | link | (0) comments

my boyfriend's really shy. he's such a quiet guy.

autumn recently got contact lenses. usually i am all about glasses, as you know, but autumn does have quite striking eyes, and i think it is a good look for her to go without. i was joking around with ang, reba, and loopy at breakfast the other day that perhaps, since she is no longer using them, i could ask autumn if i could date her glasses. they are pretty hot. they don't, however, fulfill my other requirements in a partner, which are smart, funny, and neurotic. would the relationship work?

this morning i was delighted to read jeremy's post on theory six. i think the glasses may fit into the boring swan category. perhaps, as my relationship with autumn's glasses grows, i will just begin to see them as smart, funny, and neurotic despite the obvious absence of these qualities!

so, um, autumn? how were those trial contacts working out?
7:57 AM | link | (0) comments

Sunday, May 02, 2004

icky for sickies?

in an attempt to cheer myself up a bit, i called my big sister. she was actually having a kinda rough day because my nephew was sick today. my sister told me that she was "in trouble" with husband and child because she had been unreachable for six hours today. she is a SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner) nurse and had a case that lasted a long time. my sister is still in training to do this. the supervising nurse said that she suspects my sister will be very good at sexual assault exams because she is so thorough. that seems awfully creepy to me. my sister says that she notices injuries like scratches that other people just don't see.

anyway, while my sister was at a SANE case, my nephew was running a fever and throwing up. poor kid. he seemed to be feeling better by the end of my phone conversation with my sister. he wanted orange juice. my sister gave him gatorade, explaining to him that orange juice has too much acid and pulp for sick people. he said, "orange juice is icky for sickies! is gatorade icky for sickies?" ah, kids are so cute!

my nephew really likes the word "icky" of late. he has what he calls an "icky collection" of pet fish that have passed away. he keeps them in a tin can. his "icky collection" is modeled after my mother's. she has a large number of skulls, dehydrated frogs, squid tentacles in jars, and whatnot scattered throughout our house.

the other day my dad called me to talk about the TAA contract. after we spoke for a spell, he wanted to hand the phone of to my mom, but couldn't because her hands were bloody. why? "your mom is dissecting a blue jay head at the kitchen table, just a minute." my question for you is: is my mom "icky for sickies" or just a sicky?
9:31 PM | link | (0) comments

shut up, dorotha

shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

i've been alone for too much of the day, i think. i need to go outside or something. my brain is mush.
7:51 PM | link | (0) comments

you've totally got me pegged

recently, a friend of mine, let's call her autumn, met an former co-worker, who we shall call jimmy, online. jimmy, upon hearing where autumn worked, suggested that she might ask my opinion of him, as a reference of sorts. i had always liked jimmy just fine, so i said, "he's very nice and he's cute, but in my opinion, he is not crush-worthy. only because he is not weird enough. you may like him though. you don't have the same rules that i do."*

autumn, angel that she is, turned right around and told him what i said! for his part, he took it pretty well. he said that he didn't think he was my type anyway. according to jimmy, what is my type? i'm glad you asked! he suspects my type to be more along the steve buscemi line.

well, jimmy, you are right! take your good looks and pleasant outlook on life and scram!

* my rules? crush-worthy=smart+funny+neurotic+glasses (preferably plastic framed).**
** those of you who know me may notice that this describes me. perhaps i should read jeremy's post about narcissism again.
5:23 PM | link | (0) comments

buckminster fuller

i had written a long post about eating at Maharaja with liz and michelle today, but it disappeared when my horrible computer froze and i had to restart. bah! anyway, the funniest bits where liz's stories about being forced to attend church with friends and family. liz and i were both raised atheist, but her extended family is more religious than my own. she also had many friends who were religious whereas i, sadly, had almost no friends at all. one of liz's stories is about being ostracized by a bunch of little girls while singing at a church wedding with some baptist bigwig sitting in the front pew.

another funny liz moment was when she described some family as "the kind of family where the boys climb on the roof all the time and drink their own pee." i have to say, i did know families like this when i was growing up. the particular family that liz described took things one step creepier by naming two of their sons brad. one was bradley and the other bradford, but still, couldn't they think of something else?
4:55 PM | link | (0) comments

Saturday, May 01, 2004

shoo-be-doo, i've got a crush on you!

i've been meaning to post about a crush that i have, and angela has given me the perfect opportunity to do so. interestingly, i have a crush on the same person she mentions in her post. hands off, girls! he's, um, mine, i mean, um, not available! i don't think i've got it as bad as ang does, but it still stings, don't it?

i have been trying to foster harmless crushes of late. i'm not very good at it. i tend to lose interest or else become at bit of a stalker (i'm quick to consult google on everyone i meet). i was doing pretty well with a particular crush (this one different from angela's) for awhile until angela and i decided that the individual in question was sort of mean. i did, however, while still in full crush mode, accost said person in a bar demanding to know his opinion of angela's theory #6. it was a shining moment. i think i have to add a seventh theory to angela's list, at least as it pertains to me.

theory 7: i'm an asshole. an obnoxious, mean asshole. who'd wanna date that?
5:53 PM | link | (0) comments