the wrong side of the bed

when i was in 4th grade, i had two best friends, christina and clare. we considered ourselves equally "best" friends - a three-way relationship rather than the normal two girl arrangement. in 4th grade i was sick a lot. i had bronchitis three times. once i was out of school for a week. when i came back, clare and christina wouldn't speak to me. they claimed they were mad at me for not being at school the last week. finally, they relented, but from then on i was asked to walk behind them while they walked together with arms linked. being the spineless twit that i was, i went ahead with their demands because i thought that (1) i wasn't worth very much and that it was kind of them to befriend me and (2) perhaps with time, i could win back their affections (provided i didn't get sick again). anyway, in fifth grade, christina moved to mexico city, and clare was stuck with just me. she was tremendously cruel any chance she could get. christina came back in 6th grade. by that time, clare had a whole new, more popular group of friends (that strangely accompanied her move to a nicer neighborhood). both of them denied ever having been my friend. i didn't really make friends again until 10th grade.

i tell you all of this not just because i can't get over my childhood despite its relative lack of trauma, but also because i am scared. i've been reading my friends' blogs while i have been in texas. they have all been hanging out together. what if they make me walk behind them? i don't have much choice here. people's lives go on with or without me. i may spend my evenings crying and waiting for phone calls, but tomorrow, i think i will call my friends and let them know that i am available to go to the yarn store even though i don't knit. anyone looking for a lapdog?