the wrong side of the bed

...but, clare is not, and my friend clare was positively anorexic. she also had undiagnosed mental health issues that were pretty severe. and then she disappeared. we were friends in elementary school, then we were enemies in the way of middle school girls, and we were friends again my junior and senior years of high school. we both went to the same college, but, after awhile, clare faded away. at first we remained close, but clare had a habit of abandoning me when she had a boyfriend. our friendship had rocky spots and finally she pushed the limits of my acceptance too much. i feel bad because i fully believe that clare is dead. i wish i could have helped her, but she was so helpless that it was beyond my capabilities. she had no food in her house except for condiments. she would often sit in the dark for days at a time. the only thing that ever made her remotely excited was art,** but friends that had art classes with her said she had irregular attendance. i suspect that clare may have disappeared in a quite literal sense. wasting away to dark nothingness when the lightbulbs burned out and the mustard was gone.

the reason i am remembering clare right now is because she and i would have the most fun, even in college, playing "make-believe". we were not unlike the girls from Heavenly Creatures (i was the dark, scowling one). in high school, clare and i spontaneously developed an accent together, and neither of us knew how it came about, but blamed the other. we planned silly holidays to celebrate. we spent hours chatting in parks. i miss clare a lot sometimes. especially right now because i am in desperate need of some imagination. will someone go to a park with me and pretend that we are somewhere else entirely?

* this line is from The Breakfast Club, and, while clare loved the movie, this tended to rankle her a bit.

** her favorite artist is klee. does that put her in your group?

I have old friends who haven’t turned up in a long time, but there’s only one that I therefore assume he might be dead. You didn’t throw in any clincher about Clare, so I hope you’re wrong. Some people go away and become too happy or comfortable in another world to find their way back to us, rather than too sad. One can always hope--sometimes more for others than for oneself-—well, why not? It's good that you still care. Maybe somewhere out there, she does too.