the wrong side of the bed

while walking up the hill to school today, a boy ran past me who looked startlingly like my high school debate partner who, strangely enough, went on to date chelsea clinton at stanford. yes, if you recall, he was the swimmer who was studying theology. in high school, we weren't debate partners for long. he was much better than i was and eventually teamed up with my friend kim. i did not have the killer instinct that was needed for CX debate or the oratorical skills needed for Lincoln-Douglas. matt had blood thirst to spare. in fact, after we lost our first two debates (largely because of me), matt told me, "if we lose the next debate, i am going to fucking kill you!" such a nice young man! i rather hated him. when he was dating chelsea, i was tempted to contact the secret service and let them know about the threat on my life.

thinking about this reminded me of my mother's attempts to encourage me between the rough years of 5 and 18. i was not very popular, as you might expect given that i was (am) fat with bad skin and quite odd. my mother used to tell me that all of the popular kids would have used up their allotment of hapiness and success as teens and that they would be washed-up and sad as adults. afterall, she said, where do you go once you are no longer head cheerleader? only down. her theory hasn't played out very well over the years. i, for example, i have never dated chelsea clinton. i am still the lonely fat kid that i always was. take that, mom!

when i got to school today, i found a terrifying thing in my mailbox from my mother. she sent me a postcard that had obviously been sent to her first. it is from the gigantic methodist church near are home. the head dude of the church was our neighbor for a very long time. we never particularly liked them, nor did they like us. their children used to throw things at our house. the youngest son was a particular terror and would taunt me on the bus. anyway, the postcard mom sent advertises "prayer for dummies" which is a "valuable reference for people new to prayer and seasoned veterans as well." i believe that i will be googling this family very soon. how did the minister's children fair? they were more popular than me (but who wasn't). by my mom's calculations, they should be in jail by now. here's hoping.

I tell ya, dorotha, it sounds like you would have fit in right nicely in my debate team. I was captain my senior year, so I reckon I can make you an honorary member. You wanna?

Just remember the team motto (Generic High School Debate: We don't NEED luck! WE need a friggin miracle!) and be sure to keep Stimpy away from the coke or he'll be belching all damn night.

i think we all owe highschool debate kids a huge debt. how else would the world have been introduced to pencil twirling? i shudder to think.

-anonymous philanthropist

drek- please add me to your squad!

anon. phil.- i know only to well the sting of being unable to twirl my pencil. do you think drek will still have me on his team?

Consider yourself a member of the Eagle's Debate Team. Remember: participation in the yearly candy sale is mandatory, though if you choose to purchase all of your own product, that's your business. It's an honored approach by some.

As for pencil-twirling... hell, I never mastered that one either, though I can't say I ever really tried that hard. Seemed kinda pretentious to me.