the wrong side of the bed

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

you were kinda sorta my best friend

i've been trying to think of a good story to make of this post for quite some time now, but i can't get the narrative right. i'm just not sure what i want the message here to be. i think there are really two things going on here: the first is that i am incredibly jealous and insecure by nature, and the second is that i am a committed pessimist. i know it isn't really "done" to tell you right off the bat the themes of my post, but i'm just not that skilled a writer, and i want to make sure you get the take home message, okay? so, yeah, here you go.

on friday i am flying out to NYC to see my friend sean, who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend. sean and i are still very close and talk at least 3 times a week. there have been times, even after we broke up, when we spoke to each other every day. i am visiting him because he has his first big art opening this weekend. i couldn't be more proud of him and i want to be there because i feel like it i am somehow part of his life as an artist.* i mean, i moved to the east coast with him while he was getting his MFA at yale, so, really, this is sort of a milestone for me, too. his hard work is paying off, but so (sort of) is mine. i picked him up every night at his studio during the year we lived together. i lent him money for art supplies. i helped him stretch canvas. i'm in one of his paintings (only one!). i feel like this show is important to me, too, even though i'm not with the boy anymore.

so, the problem with going to see sean has nothing to do with his art show or that i am really too busy to go (ugh, so much work!), but that i will meet his girlfriend. though sean and i have been apart longer now than i think we were together, i am still insanely jealous and protective of my relationship with him. like i said, i am insecure. i see his girlfriend as a threat to what i have with sean, who is my best friend on earth. sean, whether he likes it or not, is mine. he is part of my life. he was there in the hospital with me right after my nephew was born. my family considers him a member. mine, get it? he's mine. anyway, i am, of course, threatened by his girlfriend, even though sean and i will never get back together (tons of reasons i won't go into).

a week or two ago i was talking to sean on the phone, telling him that i was worried about meeting his girlfriend. he was sort of worried, too, especially because i can be so aggressive with people when i meet them (this is some sort of poorly thought out strategy on my part that makes it easier for me to interact with strangers). i told him that i would try to be good, but i just couldn't predict what would happen. sean didn't (and still doesn't) think the two of us will get along, that we will be too different. i asked to speak to his roommate, and sean put zak on the phone. i told zak about my fears and he said, "it's like this, dorotha: if there were a green rapist, you would say, 'i hate him! he's a rapist!!!' amy** would say, 'but he's green! i like him.'" amy, you see, likes all things green. this cracks me up, but, geez, i wouldn't really like a rapist no matter what color. i have been walking around ever since this conversation thinking about how my glass his half full, but half full of rapists.

i was talking to my mom about my visit and i told her that i was a little nervous about meeting amy. i relayed zak's comparison between us. this is how it played out:

...and she'd say, "but he's green!"
she sounds really nice.
yeah, ma, i think she is.
that sounds like it could be really good for sean. sean should be with someone nice.
ma, do you hear what you're saying?
you are implying that i was bad for sean because, as everyone knows, i am so mean.
that's not what i meant!
whatever, ma.

i told sean this story. he laughed for what seemed like hours. thanks, pal.

anyway, in addition to being nicer than me, she beats me in a lot of other ways. i pretty much have 2 good traits. quirky and funny. otherwise, ick.

here are all of the ways that amy beats me:

better at art (holy crap, she's good!)
more lizards

anyway, expect me to come back from new york feeling more insecure than i do at this incredibly low moment.

* sean is one of the only people on earth who actually appreciates my unholy mean streak. some people put up with it. some people ignore it. sean actually likes me the better for it. sean and i met when i got a job at the toy store where he worked. we were both undergrads and so, when introduced, we asked each other our majors. when he told me he was in studio art, i asked him "are you good, or do you suck?" instead of being offended, he laughed, and then told me he was good, very good.

** her name isn't amy.
7:32 AM


laugh, i thought i'd die, i did, they buried me...
Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:42 PM  
...sand leaked in and tickled my toes, but then what?
Blogger dorotha, at 3:28 PM  
When I was in college I had sort kinda maybe similar situation. I had a friend (we'll call him Dave) and he wasn't my boyfriend (I had one of those, and I loved him, and even at the time I knew Dave would have been a terrible boyfriend for me for a great many reasons). But he didn't have a girlfriend, and I was his surrogate--he liked to loop his fingers in my hair when I curled it, I was allowed to come in his dorm room at any time of the day or night without knocking, we cooked dinner together, all kinds of little things. He was MINE. Well he met a girl (we'll call her Jo) and started dating her. I was SO jealous and SO mad at myself because I had no claim to him and didn't even want a claim to him, dammit.

Fastforward, Jo became one of my best friends (and I don't have many women friends) and we talk every day and Dave became a Christian fundamentalist and told Jo and I (among other people) we were going to hell and I talk to him a couple times a year (usually once because I'm curious about what he's up to and once because he wants to talk). I'll always care about him but if I had to choose, Dave or Jo, I'd pick Jo without even thinking about it.

The world's a funny place. Good luck this weekend.
Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:29 PM  
dorotha: there isn't any more to it. it repeats! endlessly! but hey, try this: type "laugh i thought i'd die i did" (include the quotes around it, otherwise it won't work as well) into google. every single person has a different way to say it! some talk about the sand doing the tickling. others say it was worms. worms! it's crazy. who's saying it right?! tell me! anyway, have fun in new yicky. say hi to the fabulous Artist Still Currently Known As Seans for me. tell him that afseanistan has been balmed. he'll know what it means. it's like a secret code.
Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:33 PM  
He'll always love you and your quirky funniness. When people add significant others, it's like adding children: you love 'em all, just differently. Don't be jealous -- you're irreplaceable. Plus, you have a history with him and newcomers can't begin to compete with that. When I get together with my best pals in Poland (all men), the wives are cool, and they've raised kids together and bought cars and retirement plans, but they didn't share in the wonderful years we had prior to their mating and marrying. That does not get erased. Didn't they make a movie about this?
Blogger nina, at 6:37 AM  

Post a Comment