the wrong side of the bed

a few weeks ago a friend of a friend told me that reading my blog makes her want to jump off of a building. i'm sorry, K, this may be one of those posts. i don't know why, but i've been in a funk for this past week. i feel so poorly equipped to deal with life. is there anything that i am capable of doing well? i was talking to sean just a bit ago while i was walking to school about how my life would be so different if i could only draw better. i think if i had the ability to draw cute little critters maybe i could make myself happy. or at least start my own stationery design company. social science research never made anybody happier, although maybe i shouldn't say that without any data to back me up.

i spent a good part of my evening yesterday crying. i was rejected by the women's studies department, although they encourage me to apply again in the future (yeah, right). it isn't just that i can't find funding next year that has me upset. i just feel like i am not quite good enough at or for anything. i'm supposed to be working on my self-esteem this summer - that's my progress in therapy. my first assignment from my therapist is to try to come up with reasons why i feel like i have to be competitive and what would happen if i weren't. i think that is a funny way to approach self-esteem, but whatevs. i told my sister about my homework and she said that our family is funny because we are so highly competitive and low achieving at the same time.

i got a letter from my friend carole yesterday. she said that she liked her occasional shout-out on my blog, but ultimately prefered anonymity. sorry to mention you again, but i am. anyway, a generally pretty melancholy person herself, carole said that she was at least glad that the new sleater-kinney album is due out (on my birthday). i guess i am glad about that, too.

Do you want Sleater Kinney for your birthday? Otherwise you get Ted Nugent.

i guess if i have to pick between sleater-kinney and the nuge, i'll go sleater-kinney. but, now i know what you are going to get me.

Motor-City Madman it is!

Nah, I will get you S.K. in addition to your other present. Just wanted to know that you wouldn't buy it yourself. . .

damn! you're being all nice to me and i went and got all up in your blog's grill. shit. i was supposed to be nice to you today since you are helping me with my scouts. can i be nice tomorrow instead? or maybe sunday, because i'm really busy tomorrow. might as well be nice to you on a day when you can enjoy it.

Aw, you only think you can't draw well. You actually kinda can. The only reason you aren't doing it is because you think you suck. But you don't. That is all.

henry, for reals, i can't draw. maybe i can draw better than people who just doodle boxes and such when they are bored in meetings, but i know tons and tons of people who draw better than me. you, sean, sara, etc... hell, henry, zak's been in the whitney!

Dear Dorotha,
I wish I could give you some of the drug I'm on this summer. I'm finishing my dissertation and leaving graduate school. (That's the drug.) And it feels soooo good. It's a very empowering experience. I feel a bit like a superhero. I wish I could bottle it and break it out when I have sad days. Or share it with others during their bleak moments. If I could I'd give you some now.
--K.

yeah, one day i hope to leave grad school. i've yet to figure out how exactly it is going to happen.

i'm glad it feels good to finish your dissertation, k. i imagine that if i get to the point of finishing my dissertation, it isn't going to feel the same way you describe.