the wrong side of the bed

my homework from group therapy is to come up with some positive things to say to myself to combat my negative inner dialogue. the only one i thought of on my own was to say to myself that i am trying. i found some more on the internet. i am going to write them down on some notecards. i am going to do this despite the incredible gag factor of daily affirmations. sorry cynics of the world, but i am at my wits end.

i am trying to improve my psychological well being
i am trying to be nicer to others
i am trying to get through grad school

jeremy, i hope this works. i hope i get out of the vicious cycle you posted on your blog.

jon, maybe eventually this will help me beat what you think of as my dependancy on the man's drugs.

constance, i love you. you have been the single most supportive person in my grad school career. you believe in me and tell me that i am smart almost daily. i could do with more friends like you. i could also do to be a friend like you.

careyoke and tlb, i love you, too. thank you so much for jumping to my defense when i was attacked by unknown departmental entities yesterday. if i were a hobbit, i would want you both to be my samwise gamgee.

sean, henry, carole, and monrovia, you are all amazing. having distant friends is sad and i miss you, but i love to think about you living your lives from austin to brooklyn. you make me feel connected to something larger than my little madison life.

if you are my friend, and i have left you off of these comments, please do not be offended. it just means that i am reflecting still on our relationship.

don't worry, all. i am not saying these things in preparation for some grand exit. i am just settling myself in for a battle. i am taking stock of what i have before i begin.

man, i should be on live journal so i could hide this post from all but my closest friends. well, maybe no one is reading this blog. i will probably delete this post shortly.

good luck, dorotha. you're doing a good thing.

go dorie go dorie go

Sweet Dorotha,

You are funny and loving and creative.
You can do anything you really set your mind to.
You will, someday, figure out what that should be. In the meantime, focus on being funny and loving and creative.

-A Stranger on the Web

D.: It's great that you are trying, but you should also give yourself credit for who you are right now. Among other virtues, you're creative, interesting, compassionate, clever, and on-the-side-of-good. It's good that you are working to change things that you are displeased with, but know that, irrespective of these efforts, I'm thankful to know the person you already are.

thank you everyone. i'm sorry i'm being a drama queen. i'm just having a rough week. i wish i had time to slow my brain down a bit.

jeremy, you are on the side of good, too.

anonymous, thank you, too. maybe my friends are not the only good people!

henry, you are just exactly who i want ezra to be when he grows up. is that weird? probably. i just think you are the bee's knees.

AK, thank you for being supportive.

I love and adore you. Here's another daily affirmation for you:

"I am the best boyfriend Gwen ever had, and she's had lots."

And you're one half of a clearly brilliant publishing team.

I *heart* you, Dorotha.

- Carole

Dorotha,

I just tell it like I see it. :)

And I second what Jeremy said. You ARE already great and awesome and wonderful. No one else is like you. You're fantastic. And, despite your acerbic wit and the constant threat of attack, you're really sweet and loving and it shows through.