the wrong side of the bed

i slept like crap last night. in fact, it is still, for my money, last night, and i should be in bed dreaming about stickers and toys. but, i am awake and have been off and on since about 11pm. why? worry, i suspect. worry is keeping me from sleeping. this time when i woke up, i realized that i left something off of my syllabus, which i had already asked someone to print for me since i will be selling bagels for all of the hours leading up to the class i lecture. i am a mess.

also, the bagel job is stressful. at this exact moment in time, i want nothing more than to quit it. but, i need the money. so, i can't.

i like thinking about how this leave that i am taking was supposed to contribute positively to my mental health. initially, the decision felt good, but that has worn off.

i feel like a failure at grad school. don't argue with me.

i feel icky and annoyed because i am part of the casualization of education. seriously, do professors ever actually teach undergrads? do instructors ever get paid equitably?

i feel like a snob because i don't want to make bagel sandwiches. i really don't. it is not fun. not at all. plus, running back and forth between two jobs is not my cup of tea. i become really worried about time. punctuality freaks me out.

i am whiny and middle class. my parents would be ashamed of me right now. you do what you have to do, my mother would say.

but i am having so much anxiety, mom. i thought that i was supposed to be having an anxiety-free semester. do i have to move home and live in my parents attic in order to have peace in my brain? i will be a shut-in. this, or something better, will manifest itself for me.

Don't knock being a shut-in. I have barely left the house for the past 14 days and I like it. Though sometimes the boredom becomes physically painful. I have to leave the house today to buy a book because I have nothing left to leave. And nobody better tell me "but you're in Oaxaca, it's so interesting" because anyone who says that has not been here for more than a week.

Making bagel sandwiches is probably not very fun. You shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to do it. But I am pretty sure that you will get into a rhythm and it will become the anxiety-free job you need.

And the kids will forgive you for telling them that they need to add something to the syllabus.

I'd like to find out how many college students in the US have classes with professors. Because in most of the smaller schools, professors teach, but maybe there are more students in the few giant state schools. Anyone up for some research?

Anyway, hang in there Dorotha. Things always look worse after a lousy night's sleep. Perhaps a glass of wine before bed tonight will help?

okay I don't know why I used the word "leave" instead of "read." evidently i need to "read" the house.

"Do professors ever actually teach undergrads?"

They must. Or at least, I've never known a recent PhD who has been offered a tenure-track job, either at a public or a private university, that didn't involve teaching undergraduates.

Or did you mean real professors?

TB