the wrong side of the bed

Monday, August 27, 2007

green eyed

my roommate is spending a lot of time with her girlfriend.* i am unhappy about this for a few reasons. i like to think that the most upsetting is how annoying i find the girlfriend. she is very superficial. in middle school, i think superficial was an insult of choice, but i think it applies in this situation. there is just no depth. today she and maria came in to find me sewing a hook onto one of my shirts. she told maria and me that her mother sews well and she is going to start sewing. she recently bought some really sweet patterns. a pattern for some really sweet pants and a pattern for a really sweet shirt. and she got the fabric at the vogue fabric store in chicago.** the fabric is, i hear, sweet. i dunno. i just can't handle that level of inanity. i'm not saying i'm super smart or anything; anyone who knows me knows that i am on a quick trip to stupidville. i would just ask that there was one interesting thing she could say that would make me give a shit. i find it disheartening that maria likes her because, though i don't know maria well, i like to think she should be with and would want to be with someone with a little more to her.

i am also, unfortunately, jealous. in two ways. i am jealous because i wish maria were around to hang out with more. it was more fun to sit around with her in the apartment when she wasn't just rushing around to go out, talking to her girlfriend, or talking about her girlfriend. so, even though she has only been dating this woman for a week, i am jealous of the time she takes up, which is also weird because i barely know maria. i just really like having people around to talk to. it is a wonder i didn't die living alone. seriously, i hate being by myself.

i am, of course, also jealous that maria is in a relationship that she seems to be enjoying. i can't remember ever being in a relationship were you meet someone and they really like you and you really like them. i only date people i have been friends with and usually only because i have worn them down with my relentless insistence that they hang around me. it is no one's fault that i am unpalatable and am like a thing you might eat because it is in front of you.*** it certainly has nothing to do with maria and there is no reason i should even think of her life and compare it to my own and wonder why she gets to have an exciting new person who wants to date her. so i am jealous and it is because i am a bad person. secret is out. i am a bad person. i even sort of want the relationship to end disastorously. maria was also much more fun when she was unhappy. happiness makes people boring. so, i am jealous of her happiness and made bored by it.

presumably i would also be boring if i were happy, so maybe i shouldn't wish that on myself.

* i guess they are girlfriends.

** i think it was chicago. she may have said that it was a suburb of chicago and my brain just turned it into chicago.

*** i dislike popcorn immensely but will still eat it if there is a bowl placed in front of me.
9:56 AM


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