the wrong side of the bed

i was just thinking that i am not that stupid when, for the millionth time in my life, i remembered that i lack discipline. how do i always seem to forget this? and why did no one ever teach me that doing things requires effort on my part? forget the job i have now. that clearly requires effort (and i am clearly not good at it* no matter how many hours i put in). forget that. forget about now altogether. focus instead on the fact that i could be doing more than i am.

i know, i am supposed to be thinking positive and not being mean to myself. this isn't exactly about that. i guess i just mean that if there is something that i want to do i shouldn't just think about doing it. maybe i should actually do it. maybe. i'm making no promises.

* for you optimists, i will say that i am not good at it yet. there is a possibility that i could get better, but it is slim. have i lamented yet about starting at roughly the same time as another employee in my same position? yeah, i was hired first. we were the top two picks for the job and they chose me. shortly after i was hired, another woman in the same position left, so they offered the job to the "runner up." it is sort of kind of horrible and embarrassing to suck so much more than the person i was chosen over. shouldn't i be doing better? she seems a natural in the position. all i am willing to say for myself is that i may yet improve.

Labels: complaining, i suck

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