the wrong side of the bed

my job. i really feel like my job should be easy. unfortunately my job is simultaneously boring and stressful. my job also requires organization, which i do not have. i can never find anything on my desk, and then i freak out and have to throw papers everywhere. after that, i don't file them, i through them right back in a jumbled pile. additionally, i can't seem to focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes at max. i'm always jumping up to do something else. today i am in the middle of typing up notes from parent conflicts. two annoyed parents in one day sucks. i am in the middle of entering names and contact information into a spreadsheet. i am in the middle of looking up numbers of girl registrations per elementary school. i am in the middle of preparing some mailings. i am in the middle of checking up on little things. pick one!

do i do this to myself because my job is so boring that i can't stay focused? it is probably a symptom of the same thing that leads to never cleaning my apartment. i start cleaning the bathroom. i decide to mop it, but then i go get the mop and use it in the kitchen instead. i'm in the kitchen, so i may as well wash some dishes. next to the sink is a can for recyclyng, so i put it in my recycling bin. there is a stack of paper to be recyclyed which inspires me to go around the house picking up magazines. as i am doing that, i notice that there are cords from thousands of appliances strewn across my floor. i start untangling them. i notice that my dvds are not in alphabetical order. i think about alphabatizing my books and notice that they are stacked up next to the shelves instead of on them. my playmobil collection happens to be on bookshelves, so i start setting them up. i think about the other toys in my apartment and.... anyway, i never actually complete any of these things.

this is why my life is a mess.

Labels: complaining, fucking up, i suck, work

can you believe that i have an uncle who is also named el jefe (AKA the goat)? it is totally true. this weekend i emailed the one in dallas thinking that i was emailing the one in california. i lost el jefe's phone number and emailed him to ask for it.

subject line: i feel like i might want to call you.
body: what's your dang phone number?


my uncle sent his phone number and a message. call away! the problem is that i have nothing, absolutely fricking nothing, to say to him. i don't even know if i can make up something to say to him. my sister thinks i should just come clean and confess to the mistake. what do you think?

Labels: family, i suck, questions, worry

i was just thinking that i am not that stupid when, for the millionth time in my life, i remembered that i lack discipline. how do i always seem to forget this? and why did no one ever teach me that doing things requires effort on my part? forget the job i have now. that clearly requires effort (and i am clearly not good at it* no matter how many hours i put in). forget that. forget about now altogether. focus instead on the fact that i could be doing more than i am.

i know, i am supposed to be thinking positive and not being mean to myself. this isn't exactly about that. i guess i just mean that if there is something that i want to do i shouldn't just think about doing it. maybe i should actually do it. maybe. i'm making no promises.

* for you optimists, i will say that i am not good at it yet. there is a possibility that i could get better, but it is slim. have i lamented yet about starting at roughly the same time as another employee in my same position? yeah, i was hired first. we were the top two picks for the job and they chose me. shortly after i was hired, another woman in the same position left, so they offered the job to the "runner up." it is sort of kind of horrible and embarrassing to suck so much more than the person i was chosen over. shouldn't i be doing better? she seems a natural in the position. all i am willing to say for myself is that i may yet improve.

Labels: complaining, i suck

i am not a positive person. i am discontented with my life, the world, and hundreds of thousands of petty things. i will argue with you about almost anything except for politics. * i will complain until the unfortunate listeners to my rants tries to claw off their ears. on thursday, after listening to me spew my bitterness and hatred for 30 minutes over the phone, my mother and i had this conversation:

"where does all of this anger come from? what happened to make you so, so angry?"
"i don't know, mom. i am just a bad person."
"oh, dorotha, i am going to give you one m&m everytime you say something positive."
"you aren't here, mom."
"i will send some in the mail."
"if you do that, i will eat the entire bag at once. i have no self-control."
"perhaps i should give them to your co-workers..."
"not a bad idea, mom. feel free."

my co-workers and jon do not think this is a bad idea. in fact, on friday at work, i received 2 m&ms and two hershey's kisses.

my question is this: do you think that jeff and my mother have been talking? i think so.

* i am very, very ignorant about politics. i've got no excuse.

Labels: i suck, sour

i am a super hero. did you know?



the incredible sulk. imagine the strength of my powers. do not taunt me as i may sulk out.

Labels: i suck, sad, sour

so, my life is pretty much stalled out. i've got no clue where i am or what i am doing. my little brother, on the other hand, is closing on a house today. yep. he will be a home owner today. additionally, he used the phrase "when we have kids..." today. my brother calls me little sister. four years older than he is, but i am the one who didn't mature at the right pace. so i am the baby of the family now.

Labels: family, i suck, pity party

being awake in the middle of the night is not a good thing at all. one begins to feel old. one begins to see all of their flaws. the questions come pouring through one's head. are my parents disappointed in me? does he love me enough? why am i such an angry drunk? will i ever feel close, close, close to my friends again the way i did when i was young? where is my youth? how do people manage to spend so much time alone? why am i such a slob? why don't i ever finish things? what do i do with all of these sociology books? what am i doing with my life? how am i going to pay my rent? why did no one ever tell me how boring it is to be unemployed? where did i leave my checkbook?

Labels: i suck, pity party, questions, sad

get ready for me to put on some weight. the stress of various things (finding a job, thinking about epilepsy, etc.) is leading to some unnecessary eating. the biggest factor is probably the prelim. everytime i sit down to study, i almost immediately want to eat a pack of twizzlers and a grilled cheese sandwich. better yet, i wish i could eat a tiny triangle of my stomach over and over again, like in that one itchy and scratchy cartoon.

* when i was a novice talker, one of my favorite things to say to people was whatever they had just said to me, but with the addition of "on a bun!" if you offered me a dolly, i would have said, "dolly on a bun!" if you offered me a bun, i would have said, "bun on a bun!" you probably get the picture.

Labels: academics, i suck, worry