the wrong side of the bed

so, i have previously blogged about the first person i kissed. the way he won me over and the way he let me go. when we started dating, he delighted in the fact that he stole me away from my roommate, who, honestly, at the time did not seem to care until i was being stolen. gary was mean to me, manipulative, fed on my insecurities, and seemed to take delight in telling me that i was just not good enough. why did this make him so appealing? (answer: i am really fucked up.) everyone i know who has known him is awed by his meanness, even his close friends.*

there is a funny part of me that is certain that i will prevail when presented with the challenge of turning someone who is just not into me** into someone who will stay with me forever. i am pushy and it makes things worse. i seem to be especially drawn to situations that i know will end poorly. gary was never going to like me and i knew it pretty early on. the mix tape was the only thing nice that he ever did. he was dismissive of me. i was always quiet and depressed around him.*** i thought he and i were alike because we were both so miserable. i thought maybe we could be miserable together. i worked very hard to be miserable with him, even though i was plenty sad on my own.

i don't think i am yet over gary. not because i love him or something, because i definitely don't and never did, but because being rejected by someone so horrible makes me feel like i must be even worse than that. how could something beastly reject me? wouldn't i be a good enough option? how could he think i wasn't? he did, and part of me regrets not convincing him of my worth because it makes me doubt the parts of me that might be good. additionally, any person who could be enough for him must certainly have been superior to me. this person must be more than me. more everything than me. more everything good and maybe even more somethings bad that then become lovable quirks.

* sean had no beef with gary. he liked him because once gary kissed him on the forehead. i have never understood how sean could feel this way about someone who actively tried to make my life worse.

** i can decide whether to link to the amazon page about the "just not that into you" book or to jeremy's posts about it, so fuck it. no link.

*** now i am more loud than quiet. probably a bit less depressed, but i think i cry more often.

Labels: fucking up, love, pity party

my job. i really feel like my job should be easy. unfortunately my job is simultaneously boring and stressful. my job also requires organization, which i do not have. i can never find anything on my desk, and then i freak out and have to throw papers everywhere. after that, i don't file them, i through them right back in a jumbled pile. additionally, i can't seem to focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes at max. i'm always jumping up to do something else. today i am in the middle of typing up notes from parent conflicts. two annoyed parents in one day sucks. i am in the middle of entering names and contact information into a spreadsheet. i am in the middle of looking up numbers of girl registrations per elementary school. i am in the middle of preparing some mailings. i am in the middle of checking up on little things. pick one!

do i do this to myself because my job is so boring that i can't stay focused? it is probably a symptom of the same thing that leads to never cleaning my apartment. i start cleaning the bathroom. i decide to mop it, but then i go get the mop and use it in the kitchen instead. i'm in the kitchen, so i may as well wash some dishes. next to the sink is a can for recyclyng, so i put it in my recycling bin. there is a stack of paper to be recyclyed which inspires me to go around the house picking up magazines. as i am doing that, i notice that there are cords from thousands of appliances strewn across my floor. i start untangling them. i notice that my dvds are not in alphabetical order. i think about alphabatizing my books and notice that they are stacked up next to the shelves instead of on them. my playmobil collection happens to be on bookshelves, so i start setting them up. i think about the other toys in my apartment and.... anyway, i never actually complete any of these things.

this is why my life is a mess.

Labels: complaining, fucking up, i suck, work

jon emailed me today letting me know that he is a disertator. very good work for a mostly good boy!

i'm honestly very happy for him and am almost finding it difficult to feel sorry for myself. don't get my wrong, i'm still whiny and pathetic and way too into being whiny and pathetic. i just feel like i might normally hear this news and want to die. normally i would feel like a fuck up. i am super big on comparing myself to others and always finding myself wanting. today today i heard the news and felt good. i am not sure whether i am more proud of him for passing another hurdle in grad school or for expressing positive emotion about it, but no matter which way you slice it i am pleased or glad or something that is a slower, less ecstatic kind of happy. jon really is basically good. he may have been awful to date, but i do care for him and want to see him do well in life.

the picture is from the bathroom door of the karaoke kid. i swear it was not me who scratched the message into the door. i think i may have posted it before, but that doesn't make it any less appropriate.

Labels: academics, fucking up, happy?, jon

i feel sometimes like i am completely happy and content. the very next day i will feel so isolated and desparately alone. of course, there isn't much i do about feeling alone. i mean, once you get all depressed and self-pitying, your ability to motivate yourself to do something about it kind of goes to shit. if i try hanging out with friends to cheer me up it sometimes just makes me feel more lonely. i put so much of my happiness in other peoples's hands. which is dumb because they are kind of busy with themselves.

i am not good at being happy on my own. i feel like i have to piece together feeling good from so many awkward scraps that don't fit well at all. it is like i am trying to make something out of bits of paper, warn out cordouroys, chicken bones, nail clippings, and the occasional nice thing (like stickers and my peanut shaped eraser). you can't make a lot from that. maybe i should try putting something together that is already complete. like making myself out of the visible woman.

i am sewing a monster today, though. on my new sewing machine. that is good, right? i am going to make my uncle some stickers with my sticker maker because i couldn't afford to get him a nice christmas present. that's good too, right?

Labels: complaining, excuses excuses, fucking up, pity party, sad

my job requires skills that i am just not good at. organization and meeting deadlines. i should think of these as challenges, i suppose, but instead i really just feel like a failure everyday. i feel worse than i did as a grad student. grad school was difficult, but in a different way. with grad school things were painful because i was fucking up my life. if i failed, it hurt me. grad school is a selfish endeavor. in this job i am failing at so many things. i am always behind and more things just pile up. i can't seem to get organized. i can't catch up. the job is not fun or rewarding. i am not pulling my weight. i am not meeting the goals for the organization.

i wasn't at work yesterday. i am scared to check my voicemail and emails. i don't want to know how i have fucked up yet again.

Labels: complaining, fucking up, work