the wrong side of the bed

jon emailed me today letting me know that he is a disertator. very good work for a mostly good boy!

i'm honestly very happy for him and am almost finding it difficult to feel sorry for myself. don't get my wrong, i'm still whiny and pathetic and way too into being whiny and pathetic. i just feel like i might normally hear this news and want to die. normally i would feel like a fuck up. i am super big on comparing myself to others and always finding myself wanting. today today i heard the news and felt good. i am not sure whether i am more proud of him for passing another hurdle in grad school or for expressing positive emotion about it, but no matter which way you slice it i am pleased or glad or something that is a slower, less ecstatic kind of happy. jon really is basically good. he may have been awful to date, but i do care for him and want to see him do well in life.

the picture is from the bathroom door of the karaoke kid. i swear it was not me who scratched the message into the door. i think i may have posted it before, but that doesn't make it any less appropriate.

Labels: academics, fucking up, happy?, jon

i'm sure that everyone who reads this blog is probably already my friend, so you already know that jon and i broke up a few weeks ago. it is sad because these things are always sad, but it is also very good for me already. when i was dating jon we never did anything. he hardly ever wanted to leave the house except to go eat or go to toy stores. i'm already doing more things with other people. and while i am sad for myself, i am also very sad for him because the boy is so messed up. i don't think his particular vices help him any, either.

i also feel like a chump. he emailed me last week to ask if i would water his while he is in ohio. i said yes because i know there is no one else he can ask.* it really bothers me because he almost never called me before because he was too busy sitting, but now that his calendula and tomatoes might suffer he sends me longer emails.

things are actually quite good when i am not being sad. besides, i am in love with two people already. a friend of a friend i met at a bar who lives very far away, which is nice. i did copy two cds for him to take back, and i think i come off as only mildly creepy for doing that. i am also in love with the girl who is going to be my roommate. we talked for two hours when we met. we like some of the same things and are both collectors.** she is also just learning to sew and pulled a bag out of her back almost identical to the one i am making my friend monrovia.***

2 people, a 2 hour conversation, 2 cds, a boy a 2 degrees of separation. i will endeavor to make it 3's!

* rob, his roommate, is even more lethargic and self-medicated than jon.
** she collects chicken related things.
*** it will be cute. hope i didn't give too much away.

Labels: collections, happy?, jon, sad

my coworker lorene just came into my office and commented that it is not cheerful enough. i have toys all over the place! how is that not cheerful?

we have whiteboards on which we right down our numbers* and she thinks i should have a positive, uplifting quote on it. the numbers are depressing, so i guess i see her point. plus, i don't want to bring everyone down, i guess. do you have any suggestions? right now i just have a quote from bert (& ernie), but it isn't particularly uplifting. just "i love paperclips!" what would you write on my whiteboard?

* number of girls. we are down. there is a quota we have not met.

Labels: happy?, toys, trying to be positive, work

this is the kind of thing that makes me really wish that i had been diagnosed with something other than anxiety when i was in college. this story is pretty much what happened to me. i was out of my gourd when i would drink while on paxil. it felt awesome, but caused my friends great deal of concern. and i wanted to drink a lot.

this thursday, the 29th, is the anniversary of my diagnosis with epilepsy. i am happy about this because it was the day that i was put on medication to stop my seizures and the day that i finally was put on the path to kicking effexor. i wasn't allowed to stop taking it until they were sure that i was going to tolerate the lamictal. they didn't want to get me all screwy with my body chemistry, i guess. so, it probably took me 6 months to actually be rid of the stuff. i think i might have been taking something else, too.

i just remembered that i started seeing a counselor when i was in high school. i remember begging my mother, even though she agreed readily. i thought she was going to say no. i'd been hinting around at it for a couple of months and she had even said that there must be something wrong with me.* i wanted to go because i was having those weird episodes that i assumed were anxiety. i would get really confused in class and i complained of having deja vu** all of the time. i even complained about feelings of unreality and that the light would get really strange and that i couldn't see properly.*** i probably could have been diagnosed properly in high school. anyway, i will stop being all cranky and bitter. instead i am planning to treat thursday as a celebration of sorts. so yay for me! i told some of my friends that i am expecting greeting cards.

* okay, probably some of what is wrong with me is anxiety and depression. my mom had previously mentioned that i seemed like i had problems with both at earlier times in my life, but i don't remember having seizures before high school. i mean, maybe i was having seizures, but they were milder or something. anyway, the first time my mom suggested that i might need some sort of therapy was when i was five. i cried a lot and had insomnia when i was little. my mom said that if i didn't cheer up, she was going to send me to a psychiatrist. i don't know.

** feelings of deja vu are common for people with temporal lobe epilepsy. it is "classic". i wonder if a doctor would have caught this.

*** unreality and mild hallucination are also common. i remeber that it always got lighter when i had a seizure (in the early days). i would get weirded out because everything would get really bright but washed out looking. some people have visual hallucinations and some people smell things that aren't there. some people can have full on hallucinations, but i am not so lucky. that would probably be scary, but so much more impressive. i just lose all sense of place. dang, i am so boring.

Labels: childhood, epilepsy, happy?, mom, things are relative

i normally do not like to take showers, but this morning, it felt soooo good. i just wanted to let everyone know that i am very clean today! beautiful, marvelous girl!*

* only my brother and sister will recognize this reference, and they don't read my blog. eh, the rest of you can just wonder. or you can go back to not caring what i write on my blog. no biggie. i'm just going to sit here, relishing my cleanliness, no matter what you do!

Labels: happy?

this cracks me up: nothing makes me burp more than the combination of peanut butter and a coke. seriously. i had an english muffin with peanut butter and a diet coke for breakfast and i am belching up a storm, um, of peanut butter scented burps. hee!

stand back, world.

Labels: fun, happy?