the wrong side of the bed

my job requires a lot of driving. sometime i enjoy it. yesterday, in addition to this sign, i also saw a sticker on a car of an american flag shaped butterfly (or a butterfly filled with an american flag). i understand an eagle, but a butterfly?

february 21st is also, as demonstrated by columbus, wisconsin elementary and middle school students, the united nations international day of peace. the display of pinwheels in the lawns of the two schools was much nicer to see than the usual nationalistic displays. i'm not sure how the butterfly fits into this.

Labels: driving, work

last week i didn't finish anything i needed to get done at work. the same for monday of this week. tuesday when i left my desk i still had things sitting there from august and i moved the most urgent of those in my chair so that i wouldn't be able to put them off. today i sat on them. i never looked at them. i just sat. it felt weird, but it didn't hurt.

my scheduled work hours are 8:00 - 4:30, assuming i don't have night meetings. today i left at 4:45. i would have stayed later but, thank god, i had a party to go to! my roommate's workplace was having a "talk like a pirate day" party. even though i think pirates are soooooo 2 years ago, i decided to attend because, well, my pool of friends is on the decline and it isn't getting any more promising. there were only a handful of people, but i actually knew two of them through friends.**

i was nervous before i got to the party. i'm scared of people. sometimes they bite and stuff. but, i went anyway. i wasn't a huge fuck up. i did talk to a few people. i managed to ask people questions about themselves, though not quite as much as i should. i tend to dominate conversations despite my social anxiety.

the funnest part, however, was somehow upsetting/hurting/annoying my roommate's boss. i have no idea how. i asked her if she liked the button i was wearing, erroneously assuming that, because my roommate had pinned it on me when i walked in, maria had either made it or that it had something to do with their company. it would seem that i was wrong, but i have no idea how. maria said she would tell me when we "weren't in front of the children." i am hoping it involves swingers.

this happened after i had already been there for around 2 hours, and i did not stay for cake.


*let me just say that when i searched my blog to see if i have ever used the above as the title of a post before, i came up with this. i am pretty funny. fuck you if you don't think so. i do wonder what that post was about, though.

** in the who time i have known them as friends of friends, i have never talked to the woman part of the couple as much as i did tonight. i have still barely spoken to the man. it turns out she is quite nice.

Labels: roommate, work

once again i would like to remind everyone that i must eat at a restaurant called beef o'brady's. additionally, i will be eating there on a friday evening with volunteers from a suburb of madison. my life is thrilling.

i think i am going to try to drug myself to sleep tomorrow evening around 9:00. my roommate takes prescription sleep aides. or i could just use antihistamines. they make me very sleepy.

Labels: complaining, work

my job involves a lot of driving around in madison and surronding communities. for the past three days i have gotten lost. on wednesday i missed an exit to marshall and had to drive an extra 10 or 11 miles before there was another. on thursday i made about a thousand wrong turns in deforest. i get lost there all of the time. in my defense, their street signs are hard to read (black and white with a strange, crowded font) and i think i need new glasses anyway. today i missed the 12/18 exit going to cambridge. on the way back, i went the wrong way on 12/18 for about 2 miles. i have no idea how i can get lost so easily. it makes my job challenging, but at least my teensy car gets good mileage. driving around, especially given the absented mindedness and confusion that sends me way off course, gives me a lot of time to think, which is often quite horrible given my often morose nature. today wasn't so bad. a little bad, but suprisingly okay. i thought through some things and made a couple of decisons, one of which was to make an optometry appointment.

anyway, the best part of my drive today was passing a truck weigh station that was actually open! in my experience they are almost always closed. not only did this one ask that trucks stop, but as they left, there was an electronic message board that said, "okay go ahead." cracked me up. i tried very hard to remember it, and i did. i also tried to remember the lyrics to a country song that i caught when i was scanning the radio signals. i think the song had the word "bone" in it, but that is all i can dredge up. like skeletal bones, befofe your mind takes that trip to the gutter.

Labels: funny, work

please, if you are bored, consider looking around for a new job for me. i am beyond ready to leave this job. send me anything you think i would be qualified for as i tend to think i am bad at everything. just something in madison for now.

i am incompetent, though, when it comes to my job. if a job post says that strong organizational skills are required, it is probably not a position i will be able to fill. send it anyway. maybe i can change.

i will be your best friend for ever.

Labels: work

in elementary school, if we finished our work early, we were asked to quietly put our heads on our desks. my head was often on my desk. our desk tops were "wood", our chairs were plastic, and the legs were metal. with your ear on the desk, you could kicked or hit the different elements and hear different sounds.* it was something to do and was sort of calming. the desk was cool against my face, but it would become warm and i would have to find another spot. other kids would do this, too, but i continued the practice well into middle school. high school was out of the question as i was weird enough already. i missed it. i would have put my head on the cool desk and kicked the leg of my chair. sit quietly. don't put your head down. don't fall asleep. in some classes i would read with my book on my desk, in other classes i had to hide my book in my lap so other kids wouldn't know i was reading.

i have work to do today. i have people to call, meetings to arrange, paper to file, spreadsheets to update. all i want to do is put my head on my desk.

* is this why i enjoy getting mri's?

Labels: childhood, work

my job. i really feel like my job should be easy. unfortunately my job is simultaneously boring and stressful. my job also requires organization, which i do not have. i can never find anything on my desk, and then i freak out and have to throw papers everywhere. after that, i don't file them, i through them right back in a jumbled pile. additionally, i can't seem to focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes at max. i'm always jumping up to do something else. today i am in the middle of typing up notes from parent conflicts. two annoyed parents in one day sucks. i am in the middle of entering names and contact information into a spreadsheet. i am in the middle of looking up numbers of girl registrations per elementary school. i am in the middle of preparing some mailings. i am in the middle of checking up on little things. pick one!

do i do this to myself because my job is so boring that i can't stay focused? it is probably a symptom of the same thing that leads to never cleaning my apartment. i start cleaning the bathroom. i decide to mop it, but then i go get the mop and use it in the kitchen instead. i'm in the kitchen, so i may as well wash some dishes. next to the sink is a can for recyclyng, so i put it in my recycling bin. there is a stack of paper to be recyclyed which inspires me to go around the house picking up magazines. as i am doing that, i notice that there are cords from thousands of appliances strewn across my floor. i start untangling them. i notice that my dvds are not in alphabetical order. i think about alphabatizing my books and notice that they are stacked up next to the shelves instead of on them. my playmobil collection happens to be on bookshelves, so i start setting them up. i think about the other toys in my apartment and.... anyway, i never actually complete any of these things.

this is why my life is a mess.

Labels: complaining, fucking up, i suck, work

no, not so much. i feel sort of anxious-sick. work is stressful lately. my team is not living up to the goals, objectives, indicators, and whatnot. makes it hard to be happy. i come into work singing, but at the end of the day i am always scowling. too many meetings and too many other responsibilities. i'm not entirely sure what people in offices do with this. how do you get rid of that horrible feeling of not caring that much about your job but being expected to care about your job and it is your job so you better fucking do it?

so, yeah, i'm not in love anymore. i was pretty hyper and peppy this weekend, but that's kind of done for the week. i'm tired and down. i mean, i washed dishes and i am doing laundry, so that is sort of like being productive, but i really don't feel like doing anything else. i could probably bring myself to sew something.

i don't know. give me something else to be in love with. i think i am going to get rid of a plant, so don't ask me to love a plant. it is dying so i am going to give it to jon. not because i am going to be all like "here's a dead plant, fuck face!" more like, "dude, i can't take care of this, maybe you can since you seem to suddenly enjoy plants". so, give me something else to love. i don't want a mammal either.

i do still like my future roommate. i think. but i just like her, i don't like like her.

Labels: jon, things are relative, tired, trying to be positive, work

my coworker lorene just came into my office and commented that it is not cheerful enough. i have toys all over the place! how is that not cheerful?

we have whiteboards on which we right down our numbers* and she thinks i should have a positive, uplifting quote on it. the numbers are depressing, so i guess i see her point. plus, i don't want to bring everyone down, i guess. do you have any suggestions? right now i just have a quote from bert (& ernie), but it isn't particularly uplifting. just "i love paperclips!" what would you write on my whiteboard?

* number of girls. we are down. there is a quota we have not met.

Labels: happy?, toys, trying to be positive, work

i was nudged into taking a position on the "sunshine committee" at work. the committee is in charge of organizing snacks and whatnot for holidays i don't actually care about. st. patrick's day, valentine's day, popcorn day, etc. we are currently planning for a going away party and a wedding shower. a complicated and annoying thing happened today related to this party planning. it freaking pissed me off. yes, it is ridiculous to get upset about the sunshine committee, but it would seem that there is no thing so small that i can't get upset about it. try me.

i have been pretty grouchy about all of the sunshine committee related things that i have been asked to do so far. today i almost tried to resign, but i wasn't sure if i would be allowed. i briefly wondered if i should quit my job so that i could quit the committee.

the funny thing is that i was pushed to be on the committee because i am a pessimist and it was generally felt that this would help me be more positive.

fuck that shit.

Labels: complaining, fuck off, work

my job requires skills that i am just not good at. organization and meeting deadlines. i should think of these as challenges, i suppose, but instead i really just feel like a failure everyday. i feel worse than i did as a grad student. grad school was difficult, but in a different way. with grad school things were painful because i was fucking up my life. if i failed, it hurt me. grad school is a selfish endeavor. in this job i am failing at so many things. i am always behind and more things just pile up. i can't seem to get organized. i can't catch up. the job is not fun or rewarding. i am not pulling my weight. i am not meeting the goals for the organization.

i wasn't at work yesterday. i am scared to check my voicemail and emails. i don't want to know how i have fucked up yet again.

Labels: complaining, fucking up, work

now that i have a grown up job, i have to think about my future. when i was a grad student and expected to one day be a professor, i just put parts of my growing up on hold, thinking that one day i would just magically have a planned out life. i know that the 2 professors who might read my blog probably* think i am a nut job for saying that. unfortunately, now that it is entirely unlikely that i will be an academic, i have to think about what i am going to do with my life. i can't just think assistant, associate, full. i have to think about the fact that my career may not just advance in a magical way. i have to think about what i want to do.** and, i am suddenly thinking about how i will never be able to retire and about how i will never pay off the debts that i have aquired.***

anyway, i guess what i wanted to say is this: thank the heavens i do not want to have children. i do not see how i could possibly handle planning my life and the lives of any other hangers on. so, don't give me kids. i just can't take it.

* probably? let's be realistic. i know they think i am a nut job. i am a nut job.

** i hate this. i know what i want to do. sociologist.

*** debt depresses me. especially because i had a whopping zero dollars of debt before i started grad school. for various reasons, fiscal irresponsibilty, not making a lot of money, etc., i have a chunk of debt that will loom over me for a long time. and my debt is so pointless because my degree is so pointless. i'm not even sure that i have grown as a person. i don't even know if i have actually aged.

Labels: complaining, sour, work

i am watching a movie that someone gave me more than a year ago. i never watched and i don't know why. someone just said, "no one ever things of death in the supermarket."

this is not true. my first job was at a grocery store. at 16 and a half, i thought about death all of the time. i certainly thought about death when i was standing, robot-like, scanning boxes of cereal and soup.

so far, it is a good movie, despite the lie. i haven't watched it to the end. things could change.

Labels: work

tony roma's is a place for ribs,* not a place for vegetarians. yesterday, we had a huge, day long event at work, and, just to get out of the office for a bit, ten of us went out to lunch. the place they chose was tony roma's. i said before hand, "remember that i am vegeterian, will there be anything for vegetarians?" of course not, but they all said, "oh, yes. i'm sure there will be. maybe a salad or some pasta." i had a sad little baked potato and a side salad. i hate baked potatos.

i won't be going to lunch with the gang again.

i'm such an outsider at work. i don't want a baby. i don't want to get married. i don't eat meat. even the lesbians at work do these things. at this point, i'd kill for a wiccan co-worker.

* this was their ad campaign when i was a kid.

Labels: complaining, work

jeremy "the buggle" freese had congratulated me for getting a job, finally. okay, so i added the finally part, not him. but i do have to say it. i was getting really tired of unemployment. in fact, i had an interesting conversation about unemployment this morning on the bus. a man named willy has taken a liking to me. he's looking for a job right now. he's got an interview for a position with american girl this thursday. $12/hour to drive a forklift. i was looking at $12/hour jobs just two weeks ago. i hope it works out for willy. i think he was going to ask me out. to The Pub on state street. i'm not proud, but i made sure to drop into conversation that i have a boyfriend. the bus seems like the place to get hit on.

anyway, people have said that i seem to be doing better. some people attribute this to leaving grad school. some seem to think it is getting this job. my theory is that i am down from about 20 seizures a month to one. yep. one seizure. you have no idea how much beter i feel.

Labels: bus, compliments, work

i'm starting my job today. i'm really scared that i won't be able to hack it. i am most afraid that i won't be able to arrange all of the rides that i need. plus, riding the bus takes so dang long.

i'm scared. i'm scared. i'm scared.

Labels: bus, work

so... i finally have a job! yep, i'm going to be working for the Girl Scouts as a membership specialist. it is pretty much the ideal job for me. one problem is that i have to give up my troops, but, i also have to eat. a paying job is really going to help with the eating part of things.

anyway, i'm going to need some help getting around. the job requires a little bit of driving and right now i can't. if you are in madison, and if you are interested in making a bit of pocket cash, i'm looking for people to drive me around. i don't care if you are a teenager. i trust you. in fact, if you just know someone who might be able to drive me around a bit, let me know. i can't pay a lot, but i will pay you. and i won't make you wear one of those silly driver's hats.

send me an email, would you? you know, if you can help?

Labels: bus, work

today at rocky rococo's, connie and i saw a girl with a confederate flag baseball cap. she wasn't wearing it, it was just on that ledge thingy behind the headrests in the backseat. it prompted a continuation of a discussion that we've been having ever since we saw the confederate flag cornhole set. though it seems somehow impossible to us, it seems as though people really don't associate the confederate flag with racism. i do and i'm from the south!* maybe this is just what my parents taught me. maybe other people just think it is about southern pride. still, what is "southern pride?" and if it is just about pride, how come i've never seen an african american or latino wearing a confederate flag hat or belt buckle?

anyway, as many of you know, i am looking for a job. on the jobsinmadison website today, i found an interesting factoid. i've crudely highlighted the part that you should look at. you might want to click the image to make it bigger.





this makes the civil war sound like a game of capture the flag in which the south ultimately lost because they weren't hardy enough to withstand the cold.

i am beginning to wonder, really, really wonder, what the heck people think the civil war was about**, what they think being "northern" and "southern" means, what they think the "legacy of the civil war" is, and why we continue to think the things we do. on our walk this morning, jeff, connie and i were talking about history. jeff, a historian, was saying that much of what he is interested in the field is research starting in the 80's that tries to undo all of our misconceptions about history that we have woven through the ages. you know, like undoing all of the lies about pilgrims and founding fathers, etc. so, the next question i have is whether or not i am curious enough to look for books that might tell me what people in the north and south think about northern-ness and southern-ness. given that i am lazy, could someone just recommend a book for me?

* normally i would argue that texas isn't really the south, but, in this case, if i am honest, it really is. i mean, you could buy confederate flags from creepy stands on the side of the road. in houston, you could also buy parrots and gulf shrimp*** from vans on the side of the road. it always seemed like a very bad idea, especially the shrimp.

** as a middle school student, i was told that the civil war was about slavery as a racist institution, in junior high i believe i was told that it was about state's rights, in high school i think i was told that it was about slavery as an economic institution. in college, i didn't take too much history. i only know that texas history was required again! all hail that mighty state and whatnot.

*** the shrimp was from the galveston area. so is the juneteenth celebration. last night my girl scouts (mostly african american girls) and i were talking about juneteenth. madison has its own juneteenth celebration. i asked them if there were a lot of white people there this year. they said there were a few, but wondered why i was asking. i said that it was a holiday mostly celebrated by black people. but i couldn't remember what it was a celebration of! when did i become such an idiot? anyway, i got home and looked it up online. the emancipation proclamation went into effect in january of 1862, but many former confederate states didn't recognize this. on june 19th, 1863, federal troops arrived in galveston and sort of reiterated that slaves were to be freed. the former slaves were understandably relieved to hear this and there was widespread revelry. every year since then in texas there have been juneteenth celebrations. it has spread to other states, too.

this is how the order actually read: "The people of Texas are informed that, in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of personal rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired labor. The freedmen are advised to remain quietly at their present homes and work for wages. They are informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military posts and that they will not be supported in idleness either there or elsewhere."

Labels: fucked up, south, texas, work