the wrong side of the bed

i was nudged into taking a position on the "sunshine committee" at work. the committee is in charge of organizing snacks and whatnot for holidays i don't actually care about. st. patrick's day, valentine's day, popcorn day, etc. we are currently planning for a going away party and a wedding shower. a complicated and annoying thing happened today related to this party planning. it freaking pissed me off. yes, it is ridiculous to get upset about the sunshine committee, but it would seem that there is no thing so small that i can't get upset about it. try me.

i have been pretty grouchy about all of the sunshine committee related things that i have been asked to do so far. today i almost tried to resign, but i wasn't sure if i would be allowed. i briefly wondered if i should quit my job so that i could quit the committee.

the funny thing is that i was pushed to be on the committee because i am a pessimist and it was generally felt that this would help me be more positive.

fuck that shit.

Labels: complaining, fuck off, work

i was at a party this weekend where people were playing drinking games (something called "flippy cup"). i was talking to two boys. i don't really remember how it got to the point that i was arguing with them because i hadn't intended to be arguing. when i am drunk i do tend to give boys a hard time because i feel less inclined to put up with bullshit. so, this is probably what was happening. i was probably asking too many questions about the rules of "flippy cup", but i don't know for sure. all of a sudden one of the boys said, "you like to argue." i said, "i guess, but i was just asking about the rules of flippy cup." one of the boys tried to get me to just play flippy cup but i said that i didn't want to play until i knew the rules.

anyway, next thing i know, one of the boys said, "whatever, hillary clinton."

Labels: fuck off, gender

i am actually kind of glad that i am a bad person. i don't really give a flip what YOU think about that.

Labels: fuck off

update: i'm putting this update at the top so that all my "readers" catch it. a commenter doesn't understand why i am angry. first off, in the title of the post, i indicate that i am unnecessarily angry. i think i should really have put unjustifiably. or maybe unreasonably. but, i am also unnecessarily angry because, honestly, my seething dislike of my grandmother doesn't do me a whole lot of good. nothing much comes of it.

as to why i am angry, let me see if i can explain a bit better. my grandmother prevented (or at least inhibited) my grandfather from going to church. no one stopped her from going to church, she just didn't go after the death of my uncle. prior to his death, she just went to a different church than her husband and children. when my uncle died, she stopped going to her church and forbade the rest of the family from going to catholic church. yes, they could have just gone, but it would have adversely impacted the rest of their family life. sure, it was their decision ultimately (except for the two that were still in her custody), but she also had a great deal of control over their lives in many ways.

all through my life, if my grandfather started to say grace at a family meal, usually only at thanksgiving or christmans, she would yell at him, cutting him off mid-blessing. my grandad still wanted to participate in the catholic church. when he died, and my grandmother was his next of kin and made all decisions for him at the hospital, she did not allow him to have last rites. seriously, i think that is foul. i don't believe in god, but, holy crap, that is mean.

my great uncle john was deaf his entirely life. when my grandfather's hearing started to fail, she said she wouldn't pay for a hearing aid because only stupid people need hearing aids. her brother was born hearing impared and also apparently stupid as a result. when my granfather needed medications, she didn't want to get them for him because, in her words, she didn't want to spend the money because he was "already no good." okay, maybe she is just cheap, but that seems heartless to me.

so, for her to be going to church now seems, i don't know, somehow false. it doesn't seem like it is coming from the heart. perhaps her cruelty is finally making her feel guilty enough to repent her sins or something. i, being the horrible grandchild (and person) that i am, don't want her to feel forgiven. i don't want her to find solace in religion. she was intolerant of other peoples' faith. she wouldn't say my nephew's name for a year because it "sounded too jewish."

yeah, i am a bad person for being angry. it just hurts me. screw it. i don't care if i am angry. i just am.

end of update

my mom went to visit my evil grandmother this weekend. when she called, grandmother didn't answer, but she drove over anyway. when she got there, my grandmother was coming in from church. my mother's email actually said CHURCH. why was my mom email yelling? because my grandmother hasn't gone to chuch since before i was alive. i think she stopped when her favorite child died in a car accident (he was 17 and drunk driving).* my grandfather just died in may. is she going to church again?** when granddad would sometimes "slip up" and say grace at thanksgiving and christmas dinner, my grandmother would say a reproachful, "LARRY!" we would all shoot her angry looks and encourage granddad to keep going.

i asked my mom about it just now and confirmed that, though my granddad raised my dad and his siblings catholic, my grandmother was episcopalian. is this why she is going to church again? my granddad died so she is finally free? when graddad was in the hospital, she wouldn't let him have last rights. his kids had to sneak behind his back to arrange it. my mom says she has hated*** the catholic church since charlie died because they didn't send food or something like that. i don't know. i'm not religious, but i really don't see how it is the fault of the catholic church that charlie died.

* yes, this is the famous incident in which my grandmother, at the funeral, told my father that the wrong son died.

** i suppose it is not out of the realm of possibilty that she is trying to deal with her grief. more likely the guilt she must feel for treating him so poorly while he was alive.

*** my mom just told me that i use the word "hate" too much and that it reflects poorly on me. i should have more forgiveness in my heart. maybe i was raised wrong.

Labels: complaining, family, fuck off, religion

my mother and i began the day with a conversation on humility. i proceded to have an incredibly trying day, and called my mother multiple times to ask her what she would do. i'm not christian, but my mother was a nun. sometimes, when i am having WWJD? moments, i ask my mother instead. she tried to help, and somehow i made it through the day. in fact, she is probably the only thing that kept me from kicking someone in the teeth.

but , i lost it when i finally got home at 8:30. i am responsible for taking out the trash for three houses on my block. i find this job incredibly irritating. people do the grossest shit with their trash and recycling. you know, like dumping kitty litter in without a bag... in the recycling bin! the thing that bugs me the most, though, is that there is a broken trash can behind my apartment. it has no wheels, but it is supposed to. it can't balance. it falls over. i haven't figured out how to throw the trash can away. i'm just not sure how. do i put it in another trash can? what torments me about this trash can is that someone, or more than one someone, insists on using this trash can despite the two other empty trash cans. why? why?!?!?!

today was a terrible day. so terrible i had to use (my mother's) teacher voice on a four year old. so terrible that i waited three hours for someone to show up late just to have them get mad at me. but it wasn't until i was taking out the trash that i was driven to yell. standing alone in the mud behind my house, i shouted, "do you have eyes!?!? can you even see?!?!"

and then, i immediately felt guilty. what if i have a neighbor who can't see? a neighbor who has no eyes? what if they are putting trash in the broken can? and yet, this is impossible. because whoever uses this trash can sets it upright to put the trash in. sets it upright and then leans it against something, like an empty trash can.

what do i do, mom? what do i do?

Labels: complaining, family, fuck off

yesterday at jon's apartment, his roommate's girlfriend asked if she could open a window or turn on the fan. she felt it was stuffy in the apartment. jon's roommate said, "of course you can. in this apartment, girls can do whatever they want." i said, "so i can do what i want?" "no," he said, "you aren't really a girl. well you aren't girly."

right. i suppose he wouldn't consider the fact that, while walking to their apartment, some guy screamed out his car window, "hey, you have a fat ass!" because people scream that at boys all the time.

Labels: complaining, fuck off, fucked up, gender, jon