the wrong side of the bed

update: i'm putting this update at the top so that all my "readers" catch it. a commenter doesn't understand why i am angry. first off, in the title of the post, i indicate that i am unnecessarily angry. i think i should really have put unjustifiably. or maybe unreasonably. but, i am also unnecessarily angry because, honestly, my seething dislike of my grandmother doesn't do me a whole lot of good. nothing much comes of it.

as to why i am angry, let me see if i can explain a bit better. my grandmother prevented (or at least inhibited) my grandfather from going to church. no one stopped her from going to church, she just didn't go after the death of my uncle. prior to his death, she just went to a different church than her husband and children. when my uncle died, she stopped going to her church and forbade the rest of the family from going to catholic church. yes, they could have just gone, but it would have adversely impacted the rest of their family life. sure, it was their decision ultimately (except for the two that were still in her custody), but she also had a great deal of control over their lives in many ways.

all through my life, if my grandfather started to say grace at a family meal, usually only at thanksgiving or christmans, she would yell at him, cutting him off mid-blessing. my grandad still wanted to participate in the catholic church. when he died, and my grandmother was his next of kin and made all decisions for him at the hospital, she did not allow him to have last rites. seriously, i think that is foul. i don't believe in god, but, holy crap, that is mean.

my great uncle john was deaf his entirely life. when my grandfather's hearing started to fail, she said she wouldn't pay for a hearing aid because only stupid people need hearing aids. her brother was born hearing impared and also apparently stupid as a result. when my granfather needed medications, she didn't want to get them for him because, in her words, she didn't want to spend the money because he was "already no good." okay, maybe she is just cheap, but that seems heartless to me.

so, for her to be going to church now seems, i don't know, somehow false. it doesn't seem like it is coming from the heart. perhaps her cruelty is finally making her feel guilty enough to repent her sins or something. i, being the horrible grandchild (and person) that i am, don't want her to feel forgiven. i don't want her to find solace in religion. she was intolerant of other peoples' faith. she wouldn't say my nephew's name for a year because it "sounded too jewish."

yeah, i am a bad person for being angry. it just hurts me. screw it. i don't care if i am angry. i just am.

end of update

my mom went to visit my evil grandmother this weekend. when she called, grandmother didn't answer, but she drove over anyway. when she got there, my grandmother was coming in from church. my mother's email actually said CHURCH. why was my mom email yelling? because my grandmother hasn't gone to chuch since before i was alive. i think she stopped when her favorite child died in a car accident (he was 17 and drunk driving).* my grandfather just died in may. is she going to church again?** when granddad would sometimes "slip up" and say grace at thanksgiving and christmas dinner, my grandmother would say a reproachful, "LARRY!" we would all shoot her angry looks and encourage granddad to keep going.

i asked my mom about it just now and confirmed that, though my granddad raised my dad and his siblings catholic, my grandmother was episcopalian. is this why she is going to church again? my granddad died so she is finally free? when graddad was in the hospital, she wouldn't let him have last rights. his kids had to sneak behind his back to arrange it. my mom says she has hated*** the catholic church since charlie died because they didn't send food or something like that. i don't know. i'm not religious, but i really don't see how it is the fault of the catholic church that charlie died.

* yes, this is the famous incident in which my grandmother, at the funeral, told my father that the wrong son died.

** i suppose it is not out of the realm of possibilty that she is trying to deal with her grief. more likely the guilt she must feel for treating him so poorly while he was alive.

*** my mom just told me that i use the word "hate" too much and that it reflects poorly on me. i should have more forgiveness in my heart. maybe i was raised wrong.

Labels: complaining, family, fuck off, religion

don't ever lessen your use of the word hate, dorotha. if anything, intensify it. i think i speak for the world at large when i admit it's one of the reasons we love you.

Do you hate that you use the word hate so much? Do you hate that people complain about how frequently you use the word hate? That just seems hateful to me. You go ahead and hate whatever you want to hate.

I have read this a number of times, and I am still at a loss to figure out what you are mad about. Maybe if I knew you I'd get it. Is it that your mother went to see your grandmother, that your grandmother went to church, that it was the wrong brand of church, that she didn't like your grandfather going to church, that she has changed her mind? I relly don't see it.

I think widows often start going to church because they are lonely. Mean people are probably even more likely to be lonely.

jeremy - loneliness is a motivation that my mother and i discussed, but i forgot to mention it here. it could be that my grandmother is lonely. if she is, i am very glad. however, if she is going because she is lonely, it doesn't make me any less angry. whatever comfort she gets from going to church is too much.

anyway, she has bridge. she should just play bridge.

You give other people too much power over the things that happen in your life.

ask your grandmother this holiday season why she is such a heartless bitch. i'm sure she has her reasons, like abusive parents and such. maybe she was molested by a catholic priest.

happy holidays!
joe