the wrong side of the bed

this is exactly the email that my mom sent me earlier:


"I just came back from a horrible meeting. My phone says somebody text
messaged me and I don't know how to get it off. I've been thinking about
you all day.

I must have been in the chowder this morning when you called because I
didn't hear anything. The red light was blinking when I got home.

Daddy is in Austin going to a conference and I am going to go up on Friday.
My brother Bill is bringing Devin to see my mom. It is all getting to
poignant for me.... Too many maybe the last times....

She got a hair cut and Nancy helped her take a real shower, not just a
lickety split one. Mom says that's Nancy's job... Thanks Nancy!!

I really like you. I guess I will eat peanut butter and jelly.

Mom"

my grandmother is going to die soon. i didn't actually call my mom this morning, despite what she thinks. my mom calls showers "chowders."

Labels: family, sad

my dad was in town this weekend. he had a conference in chicago and drove up after to hang out with me. we didn't do much of anything except for walk up and down state street and eat at restaurants a lot. at the end of state street there is a small barber shop. jon gets his hair cut there and dad needed a hair cut. he got one at college barber because jon, who is very ambivalent about his appearance, might have recommended it had he been there.

two things stand out about dad's visit. the first is that i had a chance to look at his arm and check out his scars from the surgery in which they gave him zombie bones. i am disappointed that i never got a picture of it.

thing #2 - we also talked about our family, primarily my mother's strange behaviors. this weekend she drove to austin from the woodlands to check up on her mother's health and well being and to entertain my dad's mother. my mother thinks that my evil grandmother must be very lonely because she no longer has my grandfather to abuse. maybe she is lonely. i told my dad that if grandmother is lonely it is because she reaps what she sows. my dad takes criticism of his mother well, even though i know it must hurt him to hear me talk that way about her. i think my dad would spend less time with her if not for my mom. he once again mentioned in passing that she physically abused him when he was a kid. if it were me, and i know that it isn't, i would be unhappy that my spouse kept forcing me to see her. i know i resent having to interact with her.

my mom saw her mother, too. on friday night, she helped her mother put furniture and things back in place after a visit from an exterminator. she stayed the night because she wanted to watch my grandmother go to bed. i think there is some worry that she just sits in a chair all night. on saturday morning, she talked to my grandmother for a spell. probably had a cup of instant coffee. when she went outside to leave, a neighbor came up to talk to her about my grandmother. she has lived in the house for a long time and her neighbors also check in on her and wanted to talk to my mom about their concerns. this made my mom 30 minutes late to my evil grandmothers house. she was upset. my mom felt guilty.

my mom stayed overnight at my evil grandmother's house on saturday this seems strange because her goal is to watch over her mother as she sleeps. creepy! she is staying tonight at my good grandmother's house. she will drive straight to work, leaving round rock at 4:00 in the morning. sometimes my mother will arrive in austin at 2 in the morning. sometimes my mother leaves work at midnight. my family cannot convince my mother not to drive in the middle of the night. we are all certain that my mother will fall asleep at the wheel one of these days. what can we do?

we cannot understand my mother's behavior and we cannot change it. it is hard to think about loving her and watching her martyr herself. it is confusing to wonder if she prefers her life this way and might miss it if we convinced her to stop. i feel guilty thinking that i am not doing enough to get her out of this, but we cannot even convince her to buy shoes that do not hurt her feet.

Labels: family, stubborn, things i do not understand

my sister, knowing that i am currently way into earth shoes, bought me a pair even though they cost a million dollars. she really hates to spend money. she found these somewhere online for sale. and i don't think i can really return them. before i received the shoes she told me that we could work out a way to return them if i didn't like them.

my brother and sister have very narrow comfort zones when it comes to color. this is weird to me because i find neutral colors sort of restrictive. i think that maybe my sister just doesn't understand color. sean told me that he will be teaching a color theory class for one semester.* i'm wondering if my sister might need to take this class. the shoes she bought me are a deep plum color. she thinks they match everything. blacks and browns. i agreed, but commented that they would not match the shirt i was wearing. bright orange (as you can see from the picture). she didn't understand why. how do you explain to someone over the phone that deep, deep plum doesn't really match with traffic cone orange? i would just understand without being shown a picture. christie might not understand even if she saw the two in person. i've got to say in the pictures i've attached the strange color of plum is not quite captured. imagine something a little redder and a little browner. i really wish the color came out better. in this picture i could sort almost see them matching. in any case, orange is a strange choice of color to pair with plum. i also had a difficult time explaining that only certain pants would go with platform mary janes. i was wearing very, very baggy men's jeans yesterday. it just looked weird. a person needs tighter, shorter pants so that the shape of the shoe is more obvious.


christie insists these are everyday shoes. there is nothing i could possibly wear that wouldn't match. sometimes when my mother buys me presents i obviously wouldn't like, i ask question whether or not she knows me. in this case i think something else is at play. i think maybe my sister just does not understand color or style.

she also looked at these shoes, but rejected them because she thought them so bizarre that no one would ever wear them. these are shoes i actually really like. i can't swap because my mother thinks it will hurt my sister's feelings. if you see me in these shoes, you now know why. i am trapped. they are quite comfortable. i should stop being whiny and instead be more practical.

* i think he said that he will be but he could have said might be.

Labels: birthdays, complaining, family, fashion

on monday my sister-in-law fell and broke her radius, basically right at the elbow. she was eating a bagel and talking on her cell phone while walking down stairs. she's very banged and bruised. tonight my father had a bicycle accident. a woman was using her cell phone while riding her bike. she cut my dad off or something and he flipped over the front of his bike trying to stop. his arm is broken in multiple places. my mother says it is also hanging at a funny angle. they iced it with frozen edamame. my parents are at the emergency room right now. dad brought the current issue of the bulletin of the atomic scientist and an AARP magazine. my mom is just watching non-stop coverage of the virginia shooting.

i am thinking i should avoid using my cell phone for a few days. then i will forget and get all willy-nilly with safety again.

Labels: family, ouch

i was thinking about my relationship with my older sister last night.* specifically, i was thinking about how much i wanted to be like her when i was a kid. it was just a passing thought, but it came up again at lunch today when my co-worker was talking about her daughters. her girls are 7 or 8 years apart in age. my sister and i were 4.5 years apart. when christie was in high school and i was in middle/jr. high school, i thought she was the bees knees. same with my co-worker's daughters. often my sister and i were good friends, but sometimes she would get so pissed off at me for being a younger sister. same with my co-worker's kids. the funny thing is that my sister and i got to be friends a bit more because we were closer in age. as a little sister, i feel bad for riley, the younger one, and less sympathy for the older one.

* i was thinking about the many times my sister would go to the mall, buy herself a beatles t-shirt (she loved the beatles), and give it to me. i later found out that she really wanted the shirts for herself but felt to guilty about purchasing them. she'd always give them to me when she got home. i just thought she was a great older sister. every once in a while, though, she would flip out on me when i wore one of the shirts and accuse me of being a copy-cat and not having my own personality. what a meanie!

Labels: children, family

i don't normally take calls in dressing rooms, but my sister and i don't get a chance to talk very much anymore. christie works weird shifts (she is a nurse) and i never know when she is awake so i wait for her to call me. about once every other week i get a call from her as she drives to work. today we mostly talked about my nephew's birthday party, although i also discussed the pants i was trying on when she called.

christie wants to treat some of ezra's friends to a movie. ezra wants to have an astronomy and mythology themed birthday party. christie is willing to spend the $100+ it will cost to take the kids to the movies just so that she doesn't have a heard of screaming children in her house (there was a lack of involvement from adult family members who were supposed to supervise). christie claims the cost would be the same anyway. i think she can do a home party on the cheap. my idea is that if the other adults she recruits are given very specific tasks, they might be able to stay focused. i think that one adult per five children should work (maybe 1 extra just in case).



here's how it will work: there will be a couple of activity stations. each one will have very specific instructions and outcomes. activities will center on astronomy and mythology. i'm thinking that one station could be learning a bit about some culture's mythology and then creating an original constellation. a paper plate can be penetrated with a pin in the shape of the constellation. a flashlight would then be employed to illuminate the constellation in a dark room (ezra's closet?). another station could be about the origin of the names of the planets or something and the kids can make one of those silly styrofom ball models or something. station 3 could involve decorating star shaped cookies. station four could be about glam rock. the kids could put on make up like david bowie or maybe even the star child from kiss. station five could be about comic book mythology and could focus on the evolution of the dark phoenix from the x-men series. fun!

before the kids go home, christie could just sprinkle the kids with glitter that will get stuck to their sticky scalps. parents will be struggling to get that out of hair for days!

my nephew's birthday is on april 7th. i did not get the pants i was trying on. please send me ideas for birthday party activities and treats.

Labels: birthdays, children, family, questions

can you believe that i have an uncle who is also named el jefe (AKA the goat)? it is totally true. this weekend i emailed the one in dallas thinking that i was emailing the one in california. i lost el jefe's phone number and emailed him to ask for it.

subject line: i feel like i might want to call you.
body: what's your dang phone number?


my uncle sent his phone number and a message. call away! the problem is that i have nothing, absolutely fricking nothing, to say to him. i don't even know if i can make up something to say to him. my sister thinks i should just come clean and confess to the mistake. what do you think?

Labels: family, i suck, questions, worry

watch this and have all of your dreams realized.

on the other hand, watch this and... nothing. this is my mother's favorite website. my dad says that she is obsessed. it is an african watering hole. you can watch it live. it is cool and all, i suppose, but you have to wait a long time to see something. or else you have to check it as obsessively as you check your email.

update: i guess the link to the awesome cartoon is gone. i found it on you tube, but it isn't that clear. try searching there for adventure time.

Labels: animals, awesomely awesome, cute, family

while home for christmas, i didn't really see any friends, except for sean (he doesn't count because he is very nearly family - i did live with him, you know). jon, hilariously, ran into a friend from middle school at a comic book store. his friend hadn't changed a bit. he still lived with his parents and, according to jon, still talked too loudly.

have i changed at all since middle school or high school? yes, decidely yes. at my good grandmother's christmas event, i learned from my aunt cathy that my mom and brother called me the anti-christ** when i was in high school. i was sort of prone to fits of yelling and i told my family that i hated them all of the time.

in college, i suppose i was much better. i didn't yell as much. i just moped and hated myself in a more quiet way. but, i also got a bit quirkier. i mean, i was a freak in high school. i wore ties in my hair in place of scarves. i kept a giant orange pig in the backseat of my car. when people asked me what it was doing there, i would tell them that it was my car pig. duh. his name was claudius, i think. my friend clare and i developed mock obsessions with sting, woodpeckers, and my friend adam jacks.**** in college i took to dying my hair funny colors, wearing totally insane clothes, including a pair of yellow polyester pants that were too short, and covering myself in temporary tattoos. in high school, i thought it was a sign of weakness to laugh; in college it was spit take after spit take.

anyway, at one point in college, i had bright red hair. not the kind of red i had about 3 years ago, but a more run lola run red. when i had hair that red, men were constantly hollering at me from passing cars. the homeless guys outside of the store where i worked made comments every day. i never have random people tell me i'm attractive.

(okay, once, walking outside a gay bar, a woman told me, "you are beautiful, do you know that?" but that is about it. oh, and i guess there was that jim anchower looking guy who sent a drink to me when i was at paul's club. also, when i worked at a grocery store during high school, a woman told me that i had a nice hairline.)

when i had red hair, it wasn't always flattering what men said to me. i'm suprised i didn't get that "do the drapes match the carpet" thing. mostly guys tell me that i am fat. seriously, drunk men tell me that i am fat all of the time. hey, guess what? i totally know that i am fat. so, i guess, more people think i am fat and ugly than think i am attractive. in fact, at least one boy a day told me i was a "fat cow" when i was in elementary school. "do you want to go with me? just kidding, you are a fat, ugly cow." thanks boys, i get it.

anyway, what is it with guys and red hair? seriously. i like having red hair because i like looking like a comic book character, so it is either red, black, or blonde. black makes me look kind of washed out, and when i am blonde, there are practically arrows drawn on my face pointing out every blemish, so red it is. i kinda hate that i get more attention when i have red hair. aren't i attractive when i have brown hair? my ex-boyfriend sean didn't think i was cute at first (for the record and to be fair, i didn't think he was cute, either). he didn't think i was cute until one day when i had bright red hair and was wearing a white t-shirt and blue pants. he decided i looked like a fisher price little person. um, hot.

sean is constantly telling me that people find attractive what they find attractive. this is usually after i go on a rant about how his pal zak only likes pencil thin girls with giant breasts. i especially hate that zak dismissed me when he first met me because i wasn't (1) a hot girl or (2) a boy. boys, while not hot, are clearly more fun to talk to than ugly girls. sean doesn't realize that zak blew me off because sean is a boy, and thus worthy of zak's attention. he obviously didn't see things from my perspective. eh. fuck zak. but not in the nice sense of the word because he would just like that. at least he would like that if it weren't me.

anyway, i guess sean is sort of right about people being attracted to what they find attractive. i mean, my first crush was on keith from voltron. i've had a thing for people with dark brown hair and brown eyes ever since. sorry to all of you blondies out there. not that i wouldn't like you if you were towheaded. it just might take me a bit longer to, you know, get all warm for your form.

my hair is somewhere between brown and red red right now. best of both worlds.

* jon admitted in the car today that this was a good song. i think it is one of the best songs in reccent musical history, but what do i know. anyway, jon is such a metal head that i didn't think he'd like bob dylan. who knew?

** i am so johnny rotten.

*** my family rules the school. i am going to chalk my cruelty up to my undiagnosed epilepsy. what can't i blame on that? it is probably the most awesome excuse i have ever had in my life.

**** adam, if you are reading this, i had a tremendous crush on you. i'm sure you knew that, tho. you do have pretty brown eyes. in fact, i just google-stalked you and found a picture you from your brother's website. i almost posted it here, except you are wearing a dorky headband. you know the picture; it is the one from the from the MS bike ride. anyway, don't tell clare, all right? hey, i just google-stalked clare! i found clare! should i email her? i'm scared.

Labels: epilepsy, family, jon, sean, texas

update: i'm putting this update at the top so that all my "readers" catch it. a commenter doesn't understand why i am angry. first off, in the title of the post, i indicate that i am unnecessarily angry. i think i should really have put unjustifiably. or maybe unreasonably. but, i am also unnecessarily angry because, honestly, my seething dislike of my grandmother doesn't do me a whole lot of good. nothing much comes of it.

as to why i am angry, let me see if i can explain a bit better. my grandmother prevented (or at least inhibited) my grandfather from going to church. no one stopped her from going to church, she just didn't go after the death of my uncle. prior to his death, she just went to a different church than her husband and children. when my uncle died, she stopped going to her church and forbade the rest of the family from going to catholic church. yes, they could have just gone, but it would have adversely impacted the rest of their family life. sure, it was their decision ultimately (except for the two that were still in her custody), but she also had a great deal of control over their lives in many ways.

all through my life, if my grandfather started to say grace at a family meal, usually only at thanksgiving or christmans, she would yell at him, cutting him off mid-blessing. my grandad still wanted to participate in the catholic church. when he died, and my grandmother was his next of kin and made all decisions for him at the hospital, she did not allow him to have last rites. seriously, i think that is foul. i don't believe in god, but, holy crap, that is mean.

my great uncle john was deaf his entirely life. when my grandfather's hearing started to fail, she said she wouldn't pay for a hearing aid because only stupid people need hearing aids. her brother was born hearing impared and also apparently stupid as a result. when my granfather needed medications, she didn't want to get them for him because, in her words, she didn't want to spend the money because he was "already no good." okay, maybe she is just cheap, but that seems heartless to me.

so, for her to be going to church now seems, i don't know, somehow false. it doesn't seem like it is coming from the heart. perhaps her cruelty is finally making her feel guilty enough to repent her sins or something. i, being the horrible grandchild (and person) that i am, don't want her to feel forgiven. i don't want her to find solace in religion. she was intolerant of other peoples' faith. she wouldn't say my nephew's name for a year because it "sounded too jewish."

yeah, i am a bad person for being angry. it just hurts me. screw it. i don't care if i am angry. i just am.

end of update

my mom went to visit my evil grandmother this weekend. when she called, grandmother didn't answer, but she drove over anyway. when she got there, my grandmother was coming in from church. my mother's email actually said CHURCH. why was my mom email yelling? because my grandmother hasn't gone to chuch since before i was alive. i think she stopped when her favorite child died in a car accident (he was 17 and drunk driving).* my grandfather just died in may. is she going to church again?** when granddad would sometimes "slip up" and say grace at thanksgiving and christmas dinner, my grandmother would say a reproachful, "LARRY!" we would all shoot her angry looks and encourage granddad to keep going.

i asked my mom about it just now and confirmed that, though my granddad raised my dad and his siblings catholic, my grandmother was episcopalian. is this why she is going to church again? my granddad died so she is finally free? when graddad was in the hospital, she wouldn't let him have last rights. his kids had to sneak behind his back to arrange it. my mom says she has hated*** the catholic church since charlie died because they didn't send food or something like that. i don't know. i'm not religious, but i really don't see how it is the fault of the catholic church that charlie died.

* yes, this is the famous incident in which my grandmother, at the funeral, told my father that the wrong son died.

** i suppose it is not out of the realm of possibilty that she is trying to deal with her grief. more likely the guilt she must feel for treating him so poorly while he was alive.

*** my mom just told me that i use the word "hate" too much and that it reflects poorly on me. i should have more forgiveness in my heart. maybe i was raised wrong.

Labels: complaining, family, fuck off, religion

my family celebrates christmas in a very secular way. we buy crap for each other and eat too much and don't think about jesus or whatever. we celebrated halloween when i was a kid, and we get a bit festive about it still (i don't think that wearing orange to work today counts as actually celebrating). when i was growing up, i was taught the following:

christmas = jesus was born (but he was just some dude, not some saviour. it is really just a birthday party, not like a big whoop or anything. don't talk about it too much at school cuz some people believe it.)
halloween = dress up to scare away spirits so they don't getcha (but ghosts aren't real. this holiday is an artifact of when people believed in malicious spirits. some people still do believe in ghosts, so maybe better not talk about this one either.)
easter = jesus came back to life (yeah, right. but don't talk about it. just eat some eggs and be glad you have yet another excuse to gorge your self on sweets. besides, it is really a pagan holiday, not that we are pagans.)
thanksgiving = be thankful you have food (but don't talk about how native americans were treated throughout modern history. just eat your turkey and pretend things are rad. and be glad they are rad, even though you have something to be thankful for and other people have a lot less to be thankful for.)

so, yeah, they are all sort of religious. except for thanksgiving, which is religious for some people because they are thankful to god for food (rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub) and probably they are also thankful for family, even though i hear lots of people fight with their families on holidays.

anyway, weigh in, why doncha?

Labels: family, questions, religion

we are having a suprise family get together this weekend in new orleans. my dad is turning 60 on the 9th. many of us will be arriving in new orleans after my dad. i suggested that we all wear masks of his face and that he should have to guess who is under the mask. only my mom thought this was funny. what do you think?

Labels: family

my mother and i began the day with a conversation on humility. i proceded to have an incredibly trying day, and called my mother multiple times to ask her what she would do. i'm not christian, but my mother was a nun. sometimes, when i am having WWJD? moments, i ask my mother instead. she tried to help, and somehow i made it through the day. in fact, she is probably the only thing that kept me from kicking someone in the teeth.

but , i lost it when i finally got home at 8:30. i am responsible for taking out the trash for three houses on my block. i find this job incredibly irritating. people do the grossest shit with their trash and recycling. you know, like dumping kitty litter in without a bag... in the recycling bin! the thing that bugs me the most, though, is that there is a broken trash can behind my apartment. it has no wheels, but it is supposed to. it can't balance. it falls over. i haven't figured out how to throw the trash can away. i'm just not sure how. do i put it in another trash can? what torments me about this trash can is that someone, or more than one someone, insists on using this trash can despite the two other empty trash cans. why? why?!?!?!

today was a terrible day. so terrible i had to use (my mother's) teacher voice on a four year old. so terrible that i waited three hours for someone to show up late just to have them get mad at me. but it wasn't until i was taking out the trash that i was driven to yell. standing alone in the mud behind my house, i shouted, "do you have eyes!?!? can you even see?!?!"

and then, i immediately felt guilty. what if i have a neighbor who can't see? a neighbor who has no eyes? what if they are putting trash in the broken can? and yet, this is impossible. because whoever uses this trash can sets it upright to put the trash in. sets it upright and then leans it against something, like an empty trash can.

what do i do, mom? what do i do?

Labels: complaining, family, fuck off

i think i have the best family i have ever met. my parents are generous and supportive (for the most part). my brother and sister and i are close. i want to live near my family. i love my nephew. my in-laws are pretty good, too.

i was just thinking about how my brother and sister and i often end our phone conversations by stating our familial relationship. "you are my brother!" "you are my sister!"

then i remembered that my sister often calls me "sister-friend." i think that is sweet. i'm glad my siblings and i are friends, too.

Labels: family, trying to be positive

so, my life is pretty much stalled out. i've got no clue where i am or what i am doing. my little brother, on the other hand, is closing on a house today. yep. he will be a home owner today. additionally, he used the phrase "when we have kids..." today. my brother calls me little sister. four years older than he is, but i am the one who didn't mature at the right pace. so i am the baby of the family now.

Labels: family, i suck, pity party

from jon. a video of a centipede killing a bat. i immediately thought of my mother. guano features heavily in my mother's cup of tea. as does death. eye of newt, too, if she could get it.

Labels: animals, family, gross, jon