the wrong side of the bed

while home for christmas, i didn't really see any friends, except for sean (he doesn't count because he is very nearly family - i did live with him, you know). jon, hilariously, ran into a friend from middle school at a comic book store. his friend hadn't changed a bit. he still lived with his parents and, according to jon, still talked too loudly.

have i changed at all since middle school or high school? yes, decidely yes. at my good grandmother's christmas event, i learned from my aunt cathy that my mom and brother called me the anti-christ** when i was in high school. i was sort of prone to fits of yelling and i told my family that i hated them all of the time.

in college, i suppose i was much better. i didn't yell as much. i just moped and hated myself in a more quiet way. but, i also got a bit quirkier. i mean, i was a freak in high school. i wore ties in my hair in place of scarves. i kept a giant orange pig in the backseat of my car. when people asked me what it was doing there, i would tell them that it was my car pig. duh. his name was claudius, i think. my friend clare and i developed mock obsessions with sting, woodpeckers, and my friend adam jacks.**** in college i took to dying my hair funny colors, wearing totally insane clothes, including a pair of yellow polyester pants that were too short, and covering myself in temporary tattoos. in high school, i thought it was a sign of weakness to laugh; in college it was spit take after spit take.

anyway, at one point in college, i had bright red hair. not the kind of red i had about 3 years ago, but a more run lola run red. when i had hair that red, men were constantly hollering at me from passing cars. the homeless guys outside of the store where i worked made comments every day. i never have random people tell me i'm attractive.

(okay, once, walking outside a gay bar, a woman told me, "you are beautiful, do you know that?" but that is about it. oh, and i guess there was that jim anchower looking guy who sent a drink to me when i was at paul's club. also, when i worked at a grocery store during high school, a woman told me that i had a nice hairline.)

when i had red hair, it wasn't always flattering what men said to me. i'm suprised i didn't get that "do the drapes match the carpet" thing. mostly guys tell me that i am fat. seriously, drunk men tell me that i am fat all of the time. hey, guess what? i totally know that i am fat. so, i guess, more people think i am fat and ugly than think i am attractive. in fact, at least one boy a day told me i was a "fat cow" when i was in elementary school. "do you want to go with me? just kidding, you are a fat, ugly cow." thanks boys, i get it.

anyway, what is it with guys and red hair? seriously. i like having red hair because i like looking like a comic book character, so it is either red, black, or blonde. black makes me look kind of washed out, and when i am blonde, there are practically arrows drawn on my face pointing out every blemish, so red it is. i kinda hate that i get more attention when i have red hair. aren't i attractive when i have brown hair? my ex-boyfriend sean didn't think i was cute at first (for the record and to be fair, i didn't think he was cute, either). he didn't think i was cute until one day when i had bright red hair and was wearing a white t-shirt and blue pants. he decided i looked like a fisher price little person. um, hot.

sean is constantly telling me that people find attractive what they find attractive. this is usually after i go on a rant about how his pal zak only likes pencil thin girls with giant breasts. i especially hate that zak dismissed me when he first met me because i wasn't (1) a hot girl or (2) a boy. boys, while not hot, are clearly more fun to talk to than ugly girls. sean doesn't realize that zak blew me off because sean is a boy, and thus worthy of zak's attention. he obviously didn't see things from my perspective. eh. fuck zak. but not in the nice sense of the word because he would just like that. at least he would like that if it weren't me.

anyway, i guess sean is sort of right about people being attracted to what they find attractive. i mean, my first crush was on keith from voltron. i've had a thing for people with dark brown hair and brown eyes ever since. sorry to all of you blondies out there. not that i wouldn't like you if you were towheaded. it just might take me a bit longer to, you know, get all warm for your form.

my hair is somewhere between brown and red red right now. best of both worlds.

* jon admitted in the car today that this was a good song. i think it is one of the best songs in reccent musical history, but what do i know. anyway, jon is such a metal head that i didn't think he'd like bob dylan. who knew?

** i am so johnny rotten.

*** my family rules the school. i am going to chalk my cruelty up to my undiagnosed epilepsy. what can't i blame on that? it is probably the most awesome excuse i have ever had in my life.

**** adam, if you are reading this, i had a tremendous crush on you. i'm sure you knew that, tho. you do have pretty brown eyes. in fact, i just google-stalked you and found a picture you from your brother's website. i almost posted it here, except you are wearing a dorky headband. you know the picture; it is the one from the from the MS bike ride. anyway, don't tell clare, all right? hey, i just google-stalked clare! i found clare! should i email her? i'm scared.

Labels: epilepsy, family, jon, sean, texas

a former acquaintance said of my ex-boyfriend sean that he was an enjoyer. this was after we ate together and she noticed that he was humming while he ate. sean is an enjoyer. he especially loves eating yummy foods. it is fortunate for him that he is now dating a chef. i don't totally suck in the kitchen, but i don't really try to make special meals nor do i always pay attention to whether or not things are burning. i think his girlfriend is a good match for him.

if sean is an enjoyer, then what am i? rather than feeding me, people seem pretty intent on giving me presents. have any of you ever been in my house? have you seen how many toys i have? am i a hoarder? is that what i am? am i a collector? can people tell this when they meet me? why do they humor me? i don't even have room for more toys, but three people have already asked me what new playmobil i "need" for christmas.

because you care, i am listing things i have collected at various points in my life.

turtles
stuffed animals
wrapping paper
origami paper
baby name books
ugly neckties
found paper clips
eggplants (not actual eggplants, though i do enjoy eating them)
strange lamps
stationery
stickers (okay, this is pretty much an ongoing obsession)
notebooks
socks
comic books
old cookbooks
lenticular things
playmobil

please, if you can, try not to get me these things. i know you all want to. my sister has told me that it is fun to get me toys and other wacky things because i light up with joy when i open the packages. i always get more christmas and birthday presents than anyone in my family with the exception of my nephew (but only for the past 7 years). toys are awesome. they are really, really awesome. i know. shiny things are great. i bought myself something lenticular just today. i get it. my obsessions rock. but, please, just think before you give me anything. i might also need non-perishable foods. i could use a new bottle face lotion (neutrogena face lotion for combination skin, please). i'm getting too fat for most of my pants. i'd like a sewing machine so i can return the one i am borrowing. i love pickles.

Labels: sean, toys

on the phone with my ex-boyfriend this morning, i delivered a lengthy account of my trials and tribulations yesterday.

"...and then i had to pick up a trash bag covered with maggots!"
"last week in bushwick there was a bad thunderstorm. all of the rats were squealing all night long."

Labels: gross, sean, things are relative