the wrong side of the bed

jon emailed me today letting me know that he is a disertator. very good work for a mostly good boy!

i'm honestly very happy for him and am almost finding it difficult to feel sorry for myself. don't get my wrong, i'm still whiny and pathetic and way too into being whiny and pathetic. i just feel like i might normally hear this news and want to die. normally i would feel like a fuck up. i am super big on comparing myself to others and always finding myself wanting. today today i heard the news and felt good. i am not sure whether i am more proud of him for passing another hurdle in grad school or for expressing positive emotion about it, but no matter which way you slice it i am pleased or glad or something that is a slower, less ecstatic kind of happy. jon really is basically good. he may have been awful to date, but i do care for him and want to see him do well in life.

the picture is from the bathroom door of the karaoke kid. i swear it was not me who scratched the message into the door. i think i may have posted it before, but that doesn't make it any less appropriate.

Labels: academics, fucking up, happy?, jon

no, not so much. i feel sort of anxious-sick. work is stressful lately. my team is not living up to the goals, objectives, indicators, and whatnot. makes it hard to be happy. i come into work singing, but at the end of the day i am always scowling. too many meetings and too many other responsibilities. i'm not entirely sure what people in offices do with this. how do you get rid of that horrible feeling of not caring that much about your job but being expected to care about your job and it is your job so you better fucking do it?

so, yeah, i'm not in love anymore. i was pretty hyper and peppy this weekend, but that's kind of done for the week. i'm tired and down. i mean, i washed dishes and i am doing laundry, so that is sort of like being productive, but i really don't feel like doing anything else. i could probably bring myself to sew something.

i don't know. give me something else to be in love with. i think i am going to get rid of a plant, so don't ask me to love a plant. it is dying so i am going to give it to jon. not because i am going to be all like "here's a dead plant, fuck face!" more like, "dude, i can't take care of this, maybe you can since you seem to suddenly enjoy plants". so, give me something else to love. i don't want a mammal either.

i do still like my future roommate. i think. but i just like her, i don't like like her.

Labels: jon, things are relative, tired, trying to be positive, work

i'm sure that everyone who reads this blog is probably already my friend, so you already know that jon and i broke up a few weeks ago. it is sad because these things are always sad, but it is also very good for me already. when i was dating jon we never did anything. he hardly ever wanted to leave the house except to go eat or go to toy stores. i'm already doing more things with other people. and while i am sad for myself, i am also very sad for him because the boy is so messed up. i don't think his particular vices help him any, either.

i also feel like a chump. he emailed me last week to ask if i would water his while he is in ohio. i said yes because i know there is no one else he can ask.* it really bothers me because he almost never called me before because he was too busy sitting, but now that his calendula and tomatoes might suffer he sends me longer emails.

things are actually quite good when i am not being sad. besides, i am in love with two people already. a friend of a friend i met at a bar who lives very far away, which is nice. i did copy two cds for him to take back, and i think i come off as only mildly creepy for doing that. i am also in love with the girl who is going to be my roommate. we talked for two hours when we met. we like some of the same things and are both collectors.** she is also just learning to sew and pulled a bag out of her back almost identical to the one i am making my friend monrovia.***

2 people, a 2 hour conversation, 2 cds, a boy a 2 degrees of separation. i will endeavor to make it 3's!

* rob, his roommate, is even more lethargic and self-medicated than jon.
** she collects chicken related things.
*** it will be cute. hope i didn't give too much away.

Labels: collections, happy?, jon, sad

while home for christmas, i didn't really see any friends, except for sean (he doesn't count because he is very nearly family - i did live with him, you know). jon, hilariously, ran into a friend from middle school at a comic book store. his friend hadn't changed a bit. he still lived with his parents and, according to jon, still talked too loudly.

have i changed at all since middle school or high school? yes, decidely yes. at my good grandmother's christmas event, i learned from my aunt cathy that my mom and brother called me the anti-christ** when i was in high school. i was sort of prone to fits of yelling and i told my family that i hated them all of the time.

in college, i suppose i was much better. i didn't yell as much. i just moped and hated myself in a more quiet way. but, i also got a bit quirkier. i mean, i was a freak in high school. i wore ties in my hair in place of scarves. i kept a giant orange pig in the backseat of my car. when people asked me what it was doing there, i would tell them that it was my car pig. duh. his name was claudius, i think. my friend clare and i developed mock obsessions with sting, woodpeckers, and my friend adam jacks.**** in college i took to dying my hair funny colors, wearing totally insane clothes, including a pair of yellow polyester pants that were too short, and covering myself in temporary tattoos. in high school, i thought it was a sign of weakness to laugh; in college it was spit take after spit take.

anyway, at one point in college, i had bright red hair. not the kind of red i had about 3 years ago, but a more run lola run red. when i had hair that red, men were constantly hollering at me from passing cars. the homeless guys outside of the store where i worked made comments every day. i never have random people tell me i'm attractive.

(okay, once, walking outside a gay bar, a woman told me, "you are beautiful, do you know that?" but that is about it. oh, and i guess there was that jim anchower looking guy who sent a drink to me when i was at paul's club. also, when i worked at a grocery store during high school, a woman told me that i had a nice hairline.)

when i had red hair, it wasn't always flattering what men said to me. i'm suprised i didn't get that "do the drapes match the carpet" thing. mostly guys tell me that i am fat. seriously, drunk men tell me that i am fat all of the time. hey, guess what? i totally know that i am fat. so, i guess, more people think i am fat and ugly than think i am attractive. in fact, at least one boy a day told me i was a "fat cow" when i was in elementary school. "do you want to go with me? just kidding, you are a fat, ugly cow." thanks boys, i get it.

anyway, what is it with guys and red hair? seriously. i like having red hair because i like looking like a comic book character, so it is either red, black, or blonde. black makes me look kind of washed out, and when i am blonde, there are practically arrows drawn on my face pointing out every blemish, so red it is. i kinda hate that i get more attention when i have red hair. aren't i attractive when i have brown hair? my ex-boyfriend sean didn't think i was cute at first (for the record and to be fair, i didn't think he was cute, either). he didn't think i was cute until one day when i had bright red hair and was wearing a white t-shirt and blue pants. he decided i looked like a fisher price little person. um, hot.

sean is constantly telling me that people find attractive what they find attractive. this is usually after i go on a rant about how his pal zak only likes pencil thin girls with giant breasts. i especially hate that zak dismissed me when he first met me because i wasn't (1) a hot girl or (2) a boy. boys, while not hot, are clearly more fun to talk to than ugly girls. sean doesn't realize that zak blew me off because sean is a boy, and thus worthy of zak's attention. he obviously didn't see things from my perspective. eh. fuck zak. but not in the nice sense of the word because he would just like that. at least he would like that if it weren't me.

anyway, i guess sean is sort of right about people being attracted to what they find attractive. i mean, my first crush was on keith from voltron. i've had a thing for people with dark brown hair and brown eyes ever since. sorry to all of you blondies out there. not that i wouldn't like you if you were towheaded. it just might take me a bit longer to, you know, get all warm for your form.

my hair is somewhere between brown and red red right now. best of both worlds.

* jon admitted in the car today that this was a good song. i think it is one of the best songs in reccent musical history, but what do i know. anyway, jon is such a metal head that i didn't think he'd like bob dylan. who knew?

** i am so johnny rotten.

*** my family rules the school. i am going to chalk my cruelty up to my undiagnosed epilepsy. what can't i blame on that? it is probably the most awesome excuse i have ever had in my life.

**** adam, if you are reading this, i had a tremendous crush on you. i'm sure you knew that, tho. you do have pretty brown eyes. in fact, i just google-stalked you and found a picture you from your brother's website. i almost posted it here, except you are wearing a dorky headband. you know the picture; it is the one from the from the MS bike ride. anyway, don't tell clare, all right? hey, i just google-stalked clare! i found clare! should i email her? i'm scared.

Labels: epilepsy, family, jon, sean, texas

jon and i went to see of montreal at the barrymore tonight. we were sitting in the second row of the theater waiting for the band to come on when a kid sat down next to us. he chatted with us for awhile, asking if we were students and such. he wanted to know our majors.* the kid was annoyingly friendly and, i think because of this, jon decided to get us some beer. as jon was standing to go to the concession stand, this interaction took place:

kid: do you have any acid?
jon: sorry, man, i don't have any aspirin.
kid: do you want any acid?
me (to kid): no, we are fine.
me (to jon): i'll go with you to get the beer!

later jon went outside to smoke a cigarette. when he came back in, he said that someone else had tried to sell him acid. he said, "i didn't know it was that kind of show!"

* when jon said that he was in material science, the kid said, "i don't know what that is and i know a little bit about everything!"

Labels: jon, music

1. it always sounds funny to me when i say, "my neurologist..."

2. jon and i had a great idea tonight. a cd compliation of the originals of the songs weird al has parodied. well, he has an extensive discography, so maybe a "best of" sort of thing. jon said that he didn't want to have to sit through all of "lola" and "american pie." i like lola.

3. connie, jenna, and i were talking on friday about how greatful we are that we were in high school when grunge was really big. girls today must feel a hell of a lot of pressure about their bodies and clothes. when we were younger, we just threw on oversized t-shirts< with a flannel on top, and headed out the door! my favorite flannel was brown. i think i wore it twice a week. i had a very specific rotation.

4. the people in my neighborhood were obviously not raised by my mother. she would not be happy at all about the number of fireworks going off in the parking lot behind my house. someone could get hurt.

* jeremy points out that i have the wrong "their" in the title. oops. i make this mistake about 10 times a day. can't we just pick one? english blows chunks. i'm switching to esperanto.

Labels: friends, jeremy, jon

from jon. a video of a centipede killing a bat. i immediately thought of my mother. guano features heavily in my mother's cup of tea. as does death. eye of newt, too, if she could get it.

Labels: animals, family, gross, jon

yesterday at jon's apartment, his roommate's girlfriend asked if she could open a window or turn on the fan. she felt it was stuffy in the apartment. jon's roommate said, "of course you can. in this apartment, girls can do whatever they want." i said, "so i can do what i want?" "no," he said, "you aren't really a girl. well you aren't girly."

right. i suppose he wouldn't consider the fact that, while walking to their apartment, some guy screamed out his car window, "hey, you have a fat ass!" because people scream that at boys all the time.

Labels: complaining, fuck off, fucked up, gender, jon

happy national day of slayer!!! for extra fun, check this out. make sure to follow the sociology link at the top.

Labels: fashion, fun, jon