the wrong side of the bed

this is exactly the email that my mom sent me earlier:


"I just came back from a horrible meeting. My phone says somebody text
messaged me and I don't know how to get it off. I've been thinking about
you all day.

I must have been in the chowder this morning when you called because I
didn't hear anything. The red light was blinking when I got home.

Daddy is in Austin going to a conference and I am going to go up on Friday.
My brother Bill is bringing Devin to see my mom. It is all getting to
poignant for me.... Too many maybe the last times....

She got a hair cut and Nancy helped her take a real shower, not just a
lickety split one. Mom says that's Nancy's job... Thanks Nancy!!

I really like you. I guess I will eat peanut butter and jelly.

Mom"

my grandmother is going to die soon. i didn't actually call my mom this morning, despite what she thinks. my mom calls showers "chowders."

Labels: family, sad

i used to be very good at this.

Labels: a bit angry, sad

i'm sure that everyone who reads this blog is probably already my friend, so you already know that jon and i broke up a few weeks ago. it is sad because these things are always sad, but it is also very good for me already. when i was dating jon we never did anything. he hardly ever wanted to leave the house except to go eat or go to toy stores. i'm already doing more things with other people. and while i am sad for myself, i am also very sad for him because the boy is so messed up. i don't think his particular vices help him any, either.

i also feel like a chump. he emailed me last week to ask if i would water his while he is in ohio. i said yes because i know there is no one else he can ask.* it really bothers me because he almost never called me before because he was too busy sitting, but now that his calendula and tomatoes might suffer he sends me longer emails.

things are actually quite good when i am not being sad. besides, i am in love with two people already. a friend of a friend i met at a bar who lives very far away, which is nice. i did copy two cds for him to take back, and i think i come off as only mildly creepy for doing that. i am also in love with the girl who is going to be my roommate. we talked for two hours when we met. we like some of the same things and are both collectors.** she is also just learning to sew and pulled a bag out of her back almost identical to the one i am making my friend monrovia.***

2 people, a 2 hour conversation, 2 cds, a boy a 2 degrees of separation. i will endeavor to make it 3's!

* rob, his roommate, is even more lethargic and self-medicated than jon.
** she collects chicken related things.
*** it will be cute. hope i didn't give too much away.

Labels: collections, happy?, jon, sad

i feel sometimes like i am completely happy and content. the very next day i will feel so isolated and desparately alone. of course, there isn't much i do about feeling alone. i mean, once you get all depressed and self-pitying, your ability to motivate yourself to do something about it kind of goes to shit. if i try hanging out with friends to cheer me up it sometimes just makes me feel more lonely. i put so much of my happiness in other peoples's hands. which is dumb because they are kind of busy with themselves.

i am not good at being happy on my own. i feel like i have to piece together feeling good from so many awkward scraps that don't fit well at all. it is like i am trying to make something out of bits of paper, warn out cordouroys, chicken bones, nail clippings, and the occasional nice thing (like stickers and my peanut shaped eraser). you can't make a lot from that. maybe i should try putting something together that is already complete. like making myself out of the visible woman.

i am sewing a monster today, though. on my new sewing machine. that is good, right? i am going to make my uncle some stickers with my sticker maker because i couldn't afford to get him a nice christmas present. that's good too, right?

Labels: complaining, excuses excuses, fucking up, pity party, sad

these are the lyrics to an all girl summer fun band song called "car trouble."

“So I guess I’ll see you around?”
“I’ll see you when I see you.”
Please don’t laugh at my broken heart
It’s bad enough that my car won’t start
There’s nothing worse than being lovesick
when your broken down car, a real piece of shit
You broke my heart, my car won’t start
You smile at me as is if you cared
With the smell of your goodbye, hands in my hair
Why did you wait till a quarter till one
When there are no buses running, not even one
You broke my heart, my car won’t start
You broke my heart, my car won’t start

i don't think these are exactly the right lyrics, but they are close. whatever.

anyway, jon and i didn't break up or anything, if you were worried. this is just how i feel today.

Labels: music, sad

i am a super hero. did you know?



the incredible sulk. imagine the strength of my powers. do not taunt me as i may sulk out.

Labels: i suck, sad, sour

being awake in the middle of the night is not a good thing at all. one begins to feel old. one begins to see all of their flaws. the questions come pouring through one's head. are my parents disappointed in me? does he love me enough? why am i such an angry drunk? will i ever feel close, close, close to my friends again the way i did when i was young? where is my youth? how do people manage to spend so much time alone? why am i such a slob? why don't i ever finish things? what do i do with all of these sociology books? what am i doing with my life? how am i going to pay my rent? why did no one ever tell me how boring it is to be unemployed? where did i leave my checkbook?

Labels: i suck, pity party, questions, sad

in so many ways, this past year has been the easiest i have had in a long time in terms of depression. i mean, i get depressed when i should. when the situation calls for it. i haven't been sad for no reason. the reasons i am sad are completely valid.

this is what i started telling my neurologist this morning. i told him all of this after we discussed the long term possibility of excising a piece of my temporal lobe. i told him that i felt overwhelmed by all of this. i also told him that i was angry, but i think that my anger is valid, too. i mentioned grad school to him, and the problems that i am having with that. i told him that sometimes i feel like charlie in flowers for algernon, and he smiled a funny smile. i think if i had said one more thing, i would have burst into tears and clung to him.

i think i am beginning to have a little crush on my neurologist. this is normal, right? i think it even has a name. despite how common this might be, it sort of wigged my out that i might want to hug my doctor and cry my heart out.

you know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.

Labels: epilepsy, sad