the wrong side of the bed

update: i'm putting this update at the top so that all my "readers" catch it. a commenter doesn't understand why i am angry. first off, in the title of the post, i indicate that i am unnecessarily angry. i think i should really have put unjustifiably. or maybe unreasonably. but, i am also unnecessarily angry because, honestly, my seething dislike of my grandmother doesn't do me a whole lot of good. nothing much comes of it.

as to why i am angry, let me see if i can explain a bit better. my grandmother prevented (or at least inhibited) my grandfather from going to church. no one stopped her from going to church, she just didn't go after the death of my uncle. prior to his death, she just went to a different church than her husband and children. when my uncle died, she stopped going to her church and forbade the rest of the family from going to catholic church. yes, they could have just gone, but it would have adversely impacted the rest of their family life. sure, it was their decision ultimately (except for the two that were still in her custody), but she also had a great deal of control over their lives in many ways.

all through my life, if my grandfather started to say grace at a family meal, usually only at thanksgiving or christmans, she would yell at him, cutting him off mid-blessing. my grandad still wanted to participate in the catholic church. when he died, and my grandmother was his next of kin and made all decisions for him at the hospital, she did not allow him to have last rites. seriously, i think that is foul. i don't believe in god, but, holy crap, that is mean.

my great uncle john was deaf his entirely life. when my grandfather's hearing started to fail, she said she wouldn't pay for a hearing aid because only stupid people need hearing aids. her brother was born hearing impared and also apparently stupid as a result. when my granfather needed medications, she didn't want to get them for him because, in her words, she didn't want to spend the money because he was "already no good." okay, maybe she is just cheap, but that seems heartless to me.

so, for her to be going to church now seems, i don't know, somehow false. it doesn't seem like it is coming from the heart. perhaps her cruelty is finally making her feel guilty enough to repent her sins or something. i, being the horrible grandchild (and person) that i am, don't want her to feel forgiven. i don't want her to find solace in religion. she was intolerant of other peoples' faith. she wouldn't say my nephew's name for a year because it "sounded too jewish."

yeah, i am a bad person for being angry. it just hurts me. screw it. i don't care if i am angry. i just am.

end of update

my mom went to visit my evil grandmother this weekend. when she called, grandmother didn't answer, but she drove over anyway. when she got there, my grandmother was coming in from church. my mother's email actually said CHURCH. why was my mom email yelling? because my grandmother hasn't gone to chuch since before i was alive. i think she stopped when her favorite child died in a car accident (he was 17 and drunk driving).* my grandfather just died in may. is she going to church again?** when granddad would sometimes "slip up" and say grace at thanksgiving and christmas dinner, my grandmother would say a reproachful, "LARRY!" we would all shoot her angry looks and encourage granddad to keep going.

i asked my mom about it just now and confirmed that, though my granddad raised my dad and his siblings catholic, my grandmother was episcopalian. is this why she is going to church again? my granddad died so she is finally free? when graddad was in the hospital, she wouldn't let him have last rights. his kids had to sneak behind his back to arrange it. my mom says she has hated*** the catholic church since charlie died because they didn't send food or something like that. i don't know. i'm not religious, but i really don't see how it is the fault of the catholic church that charlie died.

* yes, this is the famous incident in which my grandmother, at the funeral, told my father that the wrong son died.

** i suppose it is not out of the realm of possibilty that she is trying to deal with her grief. more likely the guilt she must feel for treating him so poorly while he was alive.

*** my mom just told me that i use the word "hate" too much and that it reflects poorly on me. i should have more forgiveness in my heart. maybe i was raised wrong.

Labels: complaining, family, fuck off, religion

my family celebrates christmas in a very secular way. we buy crap for each other and eat too much and don't think about jesus or whatever. we celebrated halloween when i was a kid, and we get a bit festive about it still (i don't think that wearing orange to work today counts as actually celebrating). when i was growing up, i was taught the following:

christmas = jesus was born (but he was just some dude, not some saviour. it is really just a birthday party, not like a big whoop or anything. don't talk about it too much at school cuz some people believe it.)
halloween = dress up to scare away spirits so they don't getcha (but ghosts aren't real. this holiday is an artifact of when people believed in malicious spirits. some people still do believe in ghosts, so maybe better not talk about this one either.)
easter = jesus came back to life (yeah, right. but don't talk about it. just eat some eggs and be glad you have yet another excuse to gorge your self on sweets. besides, it is really a pagan holiday, not that we are pagans.)
thanksgiving = be thankful you have food (but don't talk about how native americans were treated throughout modern history. just eat your turkey and pretend things are rad. and be glad they are rad, even though you have something to be thankful for and other people have a lot less to be thankful for.)

so, yeah, they are all sort of religious. except for thanksgiving, which is religious for some people because they are thankful to god for food (rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub) and probably they are also thankful for family, even though i hear lots of people fight with their families on holidays.

anyway, weigh in, why doncha?

Labels: family, questions, religion