the wrong side of the bed

so, a couple things. i don't want to make it seem like i am a treat to date or something. i can drive people away with my tenacity and neediness. whatevs. there you go.

also, i am in love with jeff lewis. so there. he cheered me up a bit this morning. take that!

Labels: love, trying to be positive

so, i have previously blogged about the first person i kissed. the way he won me over and the way he let me go. when we started dating, he delighted in the fact that he stole me away from my roommate, who, honestly, at the time did not seem to care until i was being stolen. gary was mean to me, manipulative, fed on my insecurities, and seemed to take delight in telling me that i was just not good enough. why did this make him so appealing? (answer: i am really fucked up.) everyone i know who has known him is awed by his meanness, even his close friends.*

there is a funny part of me that is certain that i will prevail when presented with the challenge of turning someone who is just not into me** into someone who will stay with me forever. i am pushy and it makes things worse. i seem to be especially drawn to situations that i know will end poorly. gary was never going to like me and i knew it pretty early on. the mix tape was the only thing nice that he ever did. he was dismissive of me. i was always quiet and depressed around him.*** i thought he and i were alike because we were both so miserable. i thought maybe we could be miserable together. i worked very hard to be miserable with him, even though i was plenty sad on my own.

i don't think i am yet over gary. not because i love him or something, because i definitely don't and never did, but because being rejected by someone so horrible makes me feel like i must be even worse than that. how could something beastly reject me? wouldn't i be a good enough option? how could he think i wasn't? he did, and part of me regrets not convincing him of my worth because it makes me doubt the parts of me that might be good. additionally, any person who could be enough for him must certainly have been superior to me. this person must be more than me. more everything than me. more everything good and maybe even more somethings bad that then become lovable quirks.

* sean had no beef with gary. he liked him because once gary kissed him on the forehead. i have never understood how sean could feel this way about someone who actively tried to make my life worse.

** i can decide whether to link to the amazon page about the "just not that into you" book or to jeremy's posts about it, so fuck it. no link.

*** now i am more loud than quiet. probably a bit less depressed, but i think i cry more often.

Labels: fucking up, love, pity party

a few weeks ago i was in love with at least 3 or 4 people. then i decided that i probably wasn't. this weekend i decided that i wasn't even interested in pretending like i was in love with anyone, even just for fun. today i am singing a different tune. when i was doing laundry, a sock flew into my dryer from across the laundromat. my black, white, and burgundy argyle sock! a boy was putting his clothes in the washer i had just used and had rescued my sock from a life without it's pair!

as if that weren't enough, as i was leaving he rode up on his bicycle and smiled at me. someone should let him know that i am easy.

Labels: cute, love