the wrong side of the bed

so, i have previously blogged about the first person i kissed. the way he won me over and the way he let me go. when we started dating, he delighted in the fact that he stole me away from my roommate, who, honestly, at the time did not seem to care until i was being stolen. gary was mean to me, manipulative, fed on my insecurities, and seemed to take delight in telling me that i was just not good enough. why did this make him so appealing? (answer: i am really fucked up.) everyone i know who has known him is awed by his meanness, even his close friends.*

there is a funny part of me that is certain that i will prevail when presented with the challenge of turning someone who is just not into me** into someone who will stay with me forever. i am pushy and it makes things worse. i seem to be especially drawn to situations that i know will end poorly. gary was never going to like me and i knew it pretty early on. the mix tape was the only thing nice that he ever did. he was dismissive of me. i was always quiet and depressed around him.*** i thought he and i were alike because we were both so miserable. i thought maybe we could be miserable together. i worked very hard to be miserable with him, even though i was plenty sad on my own.

i don't think i am yet over gary. not because i love him or something, because i definitely don't and never did, but because being rejected by someone so horrible makes me feel like i must be even worse than that. how could something beastly reject me? wouldn't i be a good enough option? how could he think i wasn't? he did, and part of me regrets not convincing him of my worth because it makes me doubt the parts of me that might be good. additionally, any person who could be enough for him must certainly have been superior to me. this person must be more than me. more everything than me. more everything good and maybe even more somethings bad that then become lovable quirks.

* sean had no beef with gary. he liked him because once gary kissed him on the forehead. i have never understood how sean could feel this way about someone who actively tried to make my life worse.

** i can decide whether to link to the amazon page about the "just not that into you" book or to jeremy's posts about it, so fuck it. no link.

*** now i am more loud than quiet. probably a bit less depressed, but i think i cry more often.

Labels: fucking up, love, pity party

Screw this Gary dude--sounds like you were looking for someone to confirm your negative opinion of yourself. Some people are just assholes and will treat you like crap if you let them. How you train yourself to stay away from these people is a long, hard road. My unschooled recommendation--start by treating your body with respect (healthy eating, exercise) and then it's easier to transfer that to your inner self. Good luck!

yeah, i only think about gary when i am mad at myself for having feelings of failure as a human being. i know i just wanted to make myself get sucked deeper into a hole when i would hang out with him. except that he was the first person who ever expressed romantic interest in me (aside from a guy from high school who reccently called me at 4:00 in the morning out of the total blue). and i was twenty. so i was a late bloomer and it was rough.

anyway, as for trying to make my self feel worse when i am riding a bummer, i also listen to the saddest music in my pile of cds. because i still use cds and have no ipod.

i don't eat that poorly. kinda. i should exercise more, true. but, i don't really know if i want to "treat my body with respect" first, maslow. i'd rather sort of not hate myself as much and then work on the rest.

thanks for the advice, though. it is nice of you to offer help. you are probably right. i have a hard time trying to make changes because i am scared of risks and always try to undermine them. so, very sincerely, thank you.

people have been very nice to me for the past few days and i am happy and grateful to have friends like you.

it's weird to me sometimes that your posts articulate feelings that I have. our situations are never the same, but sometimes you write something, and I'm like, holy crap! me too!

anyway. not sure if that's good or bad.

hey dr. alex! i can't remember if you are someone i know, but your profile makes me think that you are. anyway, i'm glad to know there are other people who sometimes feel like me. it is nice to be understood.

not that i think that feeling this way is healthy for either of us. cut it out!