the wrong side of the bed

i was pretty happy today until a few minutes ago. i gotta remember good stuff. like, um, projects* and, um... frozen novelties. hrm... there's also socks. i like socks a lot. and this book amused the hell out of me when i was a kid.

* the kind my nephew likes to do, not the kind that grad school requires.

i was talking to jon just now about my friend sean. sean, i said, is more a man of words than actions.

"which am i?" asked jon.
"i don't know. you aren't a man of words, that's for sure. i guess you are a man of action. but i don't know. my friend grace always thought there were just two kinds of people in the world: those that find Topanga from Boy Meets World hot, and those who don't. grace thought she wasn't hot. dichotomies like that are pretty silly. i guess there aren't just two kinds of people. but, i guess you are more a man of action than you are of words."

then later...

"hey, jon, am i more a man of words or a man of actions?"
"you are a woman... a woman... of nerds!"

good answer!

i'm on a higher dose of lamictal now. i am worried again about the fatal rash. so, of course i feel very itchy today.

i'm going to an award/appreciation breakfast this morning and i am scared. i'm scared for two reasons: 1) i was nominated for an award. what if i win? i will feel bad about myself all day long because i will feel myself undeserving. 2) i'm going to the breakfast alone. i will have to make small talk with people i don't know. i am amazingly bad at this. i will inevitably tell someone something that most people wouldn't say to a stranger. for example, i can't shut up about my epilepsy. i can't shut up about being nudged from the program. i will probably also tell someone that my grandfather is about to die. i might also go on a rant about the class privelege that allows all of us volunteers* to have the opportunity to even volunteer to begin with.

* the award/appreciation breakfast is for community volunteers. a woman from the girl scout council nominated me.**

** i am also constantly afraid that someone will look at me and decide i shouldn't be around impressionable girls. why did i paint my nails black yesterday? this will surely cause someone to think, "she's giving the girls drugs!"***

*** i worry to much.

would you rather live in a town with only 3 slightly non-white looking people, or a town where the only occupations for women are pastry chef, emt, librarian, and fitness instructor?

you can have both! check out these offensive toys. i'm puking on myself with disgust.

i have never been to the essen house. i don't know. i'm part german. i'm part irish. i'm part some other white stuff. but, i really hate that so much of being irish means drinking, at least in popular representations of the irish. in madison (and in parts of texas), being german means beer (or bier) and sausages. i know, i know, it could be worse. i could have to deal with nazi stereotypes all of the time. fortunately, wisconsin is so german that being german is a given, really. still, sometimes i get tired of the drunken stereotypes. and the idea of people going to the essen haus to eat ground up meat shoved in intestines and drink from a boot that is not supposed to be set down irks me.

but, this is not the only boot that madison has to offer me. the program seems to want me gone, too. oh, i'm advised that i can come back in a spell, no problem. you know, once i get my shit under control. this just seems unlikely to happen. since when has my shit ever been under control? i'm irritated by all of this. i'm being pushed out into the real world. i have a useless degree. seriously, what is master's degree in sociology going to get me? i'm simultaneously over qualified and under qualified for office jobs. i'd rather have a job that paid more than that, anyway, because i have debts that i need to pay off, but if i get a real job, how likely am i to be to come back to grad school? but, at the same time, i'd just like a damn job. i am not fond of the real world. it isn't something i am good at. maybe i am worse at the real world than i am in grad school, but, hey, i will supposedly be able to get my life together.

the only good thing that can come of getting the boot is that i don't have to engage in the debate on jeremy's blog.

jon and i are two seconds away from completing our screenprinting set-up. oh yeah! we are going to be making all kinds of fun stuff. t-shirts with cute things for me and t-shirts that are all metal looking for jon. he wants a shirt that says "very metal" in some goth looking font. i suggested "too, too metal" instead. jon thinks my shirt should have big puffy letters. hee!

and connie gets a dino shirt.

Who can take tomorrow
Dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow
And collect up all the cream?

okay, so i just want everyone to know that today is not going to go well. there is NO WAY that everything that needs to happen today will. NO WAY.

and, yes, i had a seizure yesterday. seems like i am having MORE than i was before, but maybe i am just keeping better track.

if you have a trick or a spell that will make today work out okay, lemme know.

UPDATE: henry pointed out some typos, so i fixed 'em. thanks henry. really. you are a great friend. i don't know what i would do without you to fix my minor mistakes.

last year, my mother and i had a ridiculous "argument" about easter. i told her it was my least favorite holiday because it had almost no meaning for me. i don't believe in god, so what do i care about jesus being resurrected? i like christmas because it is fun to give people presents. i like thanksgiving because i love eating and i love winter squash (we always have acorn squash with a pat of butter and some brown sugar). i can handle the one day holidays that are more secular, even though they generally celebrate war, because i get a day off. but easter's got nothing for me. i can eat chocolate whenever i want, and i do. i'm not a big fan of eggs. i'm not gonna eat a lamb. i just don't know why i should care.

"but, dorotha," my mother says, "it is really a pagan holiday!"
"mother," i counter, "we aren't pagan either!"

anyway, in addition to the fact that my grandfather had emergency surgery to get a pacemaker yesterday, i have another reason to dislike easter.

i was egged.

i was walking to jon's house last night. halfway there, someone threw an egg at me from their apartment window. the sad part was that on saturday when i walked to jon's house, i noticed that there were broken eggs outside of that apartment. obviously, someone had spent their free moments this weekend throwing eggs out of their window at those who passed by.

because i am ridiculous, i had to fight the urge to scream at their window, "i hope those are free range eggs!" well, i do. i would hate to think that chickens were being mistreated so that some deranged college student could toss eggs out his or her* window.

anyway, i don't think egging is a christian tradition. could this be a pagan rite?

* yeah, like it was really a girl.

had a seizure in the shower this morning. wasn't sure what happened in the shower because i have an "altered state of consciousness" when i, um, seize. a quick smell test of my armpits right now leads me to believe that i didn't wash them. also, i don't seem to have put on deodorant after the fact. i'm in a daze for a bit after i have a seizure.

guess i'm lucky i left the house with clothes on!

i'm not having a very good day with boys. i wouldn't be suprised if today is the day i finally engage in a fight with that one kid in class who always tries to bait me.

anyway, if you are a boy and you are reading this, please, please, please do not even bother to respond. i don't care who you are or how long i have known you, it could just end our relationship.

maybe everyone should ignore me, though. i've interacted with more boys today than i have girls. just because the one girl i have spoken to hasn't hurt me (or been hurt by me) doesn't mean that things won't go wrong with the next girl.

consider me infectious.

thanks to jon, i've got a new friend!his name is super malfi. holy crap, he's fun to hug.

...this picture is terrifying!

for more interesting pictures, and for this guys comics, go to his site.

the bic logo guy is wearing shorts. look at his knees! look at them!!!