the wrong side of the bed

ugh. i need to grow up or snap out of it or something. i am so full of self-loathing today.

i want to own a toy store. i should not be a sociologist. what do i do?

update: jeremy had given me a present this morning and he just took it back because i am not studying right now. i don't think this is fair. don't child-rearing books frown on negative reinforcement?

update 2: jeremy gave me back the present on the condition that jon helps me make a schedule to study for my prelim. jon, this may be a lot of work for you, what with all of the whining that i will probably do. sorry. but, hey, the present i got is awesome. devil-headed toothpicks.

weird falls from the weird tree

my parents sent me some lovely and odd things for my birthday, the best of which was a set of cat salt and pepper shakers with lenticular eyes. at some point in their past, i think the cats may have meowed when tipped over, but now they just wink, which is good enough for me.

my dad made the birthday card. the envelope said "our daughter." you can read the card for yourself. it appears above. their is something the tiniest bit unsettling about the candles emerging from the top of the smiley face's, um, face.

i have wanted to post a picture for a few days now, but i can't seem to post pictures anymore. perhaps i became toooo stooopid when i turned twenty-nine. anyway, i will try and try and maybe you will see something soon. unless i get all flowers for algernon and entirely lose my ability to write.

tomorrow i fly to baltimore for monrovia's wedding. i have a lot to do to get ready, but i can't seem to get past the point where i make a to do list. i am having trouble prioritizing the things i need to do. blah. i think something is wrong with my brain.

i wish i had funnier stuff to tell, but everything is just a whirlwind. you know, snippets of ideas fly past here and there, but i can't grab them and string them together in any kind of way that makes any sense.

on another note: too many people are leaving me this summer. stinkers. the combined onslaught of weddings and departures is messing with my head. anyway, this week has hazel and careyoke leaving, but jeremy and katy will follow soon.

jon went and started himself up a blog. he has a very regimented posting schedule, it seems. one post a day, at the beginning of the work day, and then he works. all part of his super not-at-all-dorotha-like work ethic. if you read this post from back around the strike, you can see that he was already fascinating me with talk about his master's thesis.

a few weeks ago a friend of a friend told me that reading my blog makes her want to jump off of a building. i'm sorry, K, this may be one of those posts. i don't know why, but i've been in a funk for this past week. i feel so poorly equipped to deal with life. is there anything that i am capable of doing well? i was talking to sean just a bit ago while i was walking to school about how my life would be so different if i could only draw better. i think if i had the ability to draw cute little critters maybe i could make myself happy. or at least start my own stationery design company. social science research never made anybody happier, although maybe i shouldn't say that without any data to back me up.

i spent a good part of my evening yesterday crying. i was rejected by the women's studies department, although they encourage me to apply again in the future (yeah, right). it isn't just that i can't find funding next year that has me upset. i just feel like i am not quite good enough at or for anything. i'm supposed to be working on my self-esteem this summer - that's my progress in therapy. my first assignment from my therapist is to try to come up with reasons why i feel like i have to be competitive and what would happen if i weren't. i think that is a funny way to approach self-esteem, but whatevs. i told my sister about my homework and she said that our family is funny because we are so highly competitive and low achieving at the same time.

i got a letter from my friend carole yesterday. she said that she liked her occasional shout-out on my blog, but ultimately prefered anonymity. sorry to mention you again, but i am. anyway, a generally pretty melancholy person herself, carole said that she was at least glad that the new sleater-kinney album is due out (on my birthday). i guess i am glad about that, too.

my post yesterday lead to a worried phone call from sean and an offer of ice cream from a grad student in my department. i'm not that bad off, really. at least, not any more traumatized by life than normal. it is just that i have to start thinking about the prelim and figuring out a schedule for studying and that causes me piles of anxiety. yes, anxiety can come in piles. also buckets. and murders, just like crows.

i had an interview for a TA position in another department. it went well enough, but there is a lot of competition for two positions. i am not at all confident that i will get the job. sadly, other than teaching, there is not much that i am qualified to do. i ended up sobbing in the chair's office after the interview. i went up to talk to her about something else, but ended up losing it. she and i had a pretty frank discussion about grad school. she specializes in being frank. somehow, whenever she tells me that i can leave grad school, i end up wanting to do the opposite. i wish a faculty member other than jeremy would tell me that i am cut out for this. i don't really trust his judgement.

sometimes opening a toy store seems so fucking appealing. i like it when people encourage me to do that. it makes me laugh on the inside. why would owning my own business be easier than grad school? everything would be my responsibility. don't people know that i am the last person who should be in charge of anything?

someone, take over my life for me. you can have anything from me that i could possibly offer.

when i started this post, i was going to try to be upbeat so people wouldn't worry. guess i screwed that up.

my sister was in town. we didn't do much, mostly hung out with my friends, but i had a good time with her. i kind of had a bit of a breakdown yesterday, but managed to calm down after a fortuitously prescheduled therapy session. now that she is gone, i feel like i might not be able to hold myself together. as soon as i get my grades turned in, it is the end of this semester and i have to start thinking about all of the things that scare the shit out of me.

i'm going to the bathroom and then getting a soda. it won't help.

my friend sean is also my ex-boyfriend. he's perhaps the awesomest person in the world, aside from an annoying phobia of rain and a couple of other small things. anyway, he is now officially being represented by the Fredericks Freiser Gallery in NYC. sean and i met when i got a job at the toy store where he was working. on our first shift together, we did that small talk that undergrads do and asked each other about our majors. when he said studio art, i said, "are you good, or do you suck?" way to make a good impression, dorotha. fortunately for me, sean thought i was hilarious. it takes a certain kind of person to see through my surly exterior and realize that there is a surly interior, but appreciate me for it anyway.

so, here's the proof that sean is good and does not suck. he is a bit of a perv, tho. South Mouth, sean? ick!

South Mouth

Your Seduction Style: The Dandy

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations. Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories. It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you. You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

is this enough?

lately my friend jon and i have seen what seems to be an unusual number of cars with gigantic rear spoilers. do you think i need one? oh, they are ridiculous, but the ladies love them, and you know i love the ladies. we are thinking of constructing a spoiler out of cardboard and painting it with flames. should this be my car's summer look? let me know.