the wrong side of the bed

jon emailed me today letting me know that he is a disertator. very good work for a mostly good boy!

i'm honestly very happy for him and am almost finding it difficult to feel sorry for myself. don't get my wrong, i'm still whiny and pathetic and way too into being whiny and pathetic. i just feel like i might normally hear this news and want to die. normally i would feel like a fuck up. i am super big on comparing myself to others and always finding myself wanting. today today i heard the news and felt good. i am not sure whether i am more proud of him for passing another hurdle in grad school or for expressing positive emotion about it, but no matter which way you slice it i am pleased or glad or something that is a slower, less ecstatic kind of happy. jon really is basically good. he may have been awful to date, but i do care for him and want to see him do well in life.

the picture is from the bathroom door of the karaoke kid. i swear it was not me who scratched the message into the door. i think i may have posted it before, but that doesn't make it any less appropriate.

Labels: academics, fucking up, happy?, jon

when sean and i were dating, i am embarrassed to admit, i was sometimes unreasonable in my expectations. i would become incensed if he told me the same story twice. this seems especially unfair given that, now, i cannot remember anything and repeat my own stories quite often. it does make it easier on the people around me because my forgetfulness makes everything they tell me all brand new.

i was also often shocked at the way that sean did things. usually the way he washed dishes or how loudly he left at television shows - the kinds of things you might pick up from your family. i tried not to be judgmental, but this has always been a challenge for me. my solution was to acknowledge a difference and then let it go. this didn't work because the label was a judgment.

i have a plant that i consider quite ugly. i want it out of my life. it isn't dead and i don't want to make it die. i neglect it horribly as it requires a great deal of water, but i always rescue it from the brink. today i emailed sean pictures of the beastly plant. he does not think it is so bad.

i have learned three things about myself since i started working at the place i currently work (shhh! i decided not to say where i work).

1. i don't like lemon. we sell a lemon flavored cookie that my co-workers love. people were incredulous that i don't like that cookie and i mentioned that i don't like lemon bars either, which are another favorite around the office.* in my mind, i went through a host of lemon flavored edibles and realized that i don't really like any of them. i don't hate lemon and i would eat your lemon pastries or lemonade if i were at your home. i'd just rather not.


2. i walk funny. i am pigeon-toed. i am only now realized that i have a funny gait. i swing one hip more, compensating for my weird, dragging, pointed in foot. i don't know how i didn't notice this. my office has a long hall that i am constantly walking up and down. i guess something about that little trip exaggerated the extra bit of swing. now i am hyper aware of it. have i gotten more pigeon-toed? it seems like maybe i have.

3. having low self-esteem doesn't just make me hate myself. i suffered the delusion for many years that i appear emotionally normal in most situations, but i realized that being a neurotic mess of insecurity affects my job performance in even the tiniest of ways. that, in turn, leads to people not trusting my actions. really. i've been told this by my boss. the fact that i don't "believe in myself" has given my co-workers the impression that i don't know what i am doing. wah?

those are things i have learned at my place of work. here is something i learned last night at karaoke.

1. i am sometimes incredibly shy and self-conscious. i sang "the growly song" with jeremy, but felt uncomfortable the whole way through because there were so many strangers at the kid. in the karaoke heyday, there were always so many sociologists. i am shy. from my asshole-ish-ness you might think that i am desparate for attention. i promise that it is something else.

2. i really need to work on not being such an asshole. sheesh. one of these days someone is gonna knock my teeth out.

i'm such a freak. i dashed off after the growly song, embarrassed an strange.

i do, as of now, still have my teeth and my bad foot.


* okay, so pretty much any sweet is a favorite around my office. if you need to put on a few pounds, i can hook you up.