the wrong side of the bed

why am i insecure? why do i say such horrible things to myself?

henry just sent me this link. thank goodness for henry. and chef boyardee. but for totally different reasons.

i am having a hard time with my life. it is going no where. i am angry and grumpy with myself because i lack motivation. the thing i am best at in the world is being judgemental. what can i do with this skill? is this marketable? could i be the next judge judy? here's hoping.

in other news, i am having trouble communicating. my boyfriend* seems not to understand my need to have positive affirmations about our relationship. hmmm. i dunno. many of you know that i have trouble maintaining friendships. i am feeling this very much lately. the people i talk to most are jon, connie, sean and belle. connie is out of town at an interview and jon scored a 9 on the empathy test. belle and i seem to have out of sync schedules. sean is in new york. i go crazy when i have no one to talk to. i hate being left to my own brain. it isn't always pretty in my head.

jeremy wrote a story about a woman seeing a life coach. i am sure that he was thinking of me when he wrote it. in truth, this could be benefitial for me. will you be my life coach? or, even better, could someone else just be in charge of my life? i hate being left to do these things on my own.

* i guess he is my boyfriend. there has been nothing formal decided. we don't talk about our "relationship" - except sometimes through puppets.

i feel chilled to my bones and i haven't even been outside.

why do people insist on claiming that men and women are so different? feh. anyway, i took the empathy quiz on this site just now. women supposedly average 47 points, men 42, and people with asperger syndrome get 20 points. my score? 25 points. seriously, though, take the dang test. i have social anxiety problems! that somehow makes me fall between men and (genderless?) people with asperger syndrome. i didn't take the systemetising quotient test yet, so who's to say what "kind" of brain i have.

UPDATE: just so you know, jon scored a 9 on the empathy quiz. a 9. well below asberger level.

also, i finally took the systematizing part of the quiz. i got a pretty average score, but my low empathy has put me in the male brain camp. pretty sure i'm female, though.

click on the circle that says "tv spot." you will be happy that you did.

i am very sorry to say that i am terrified of the uakari just because of how it looks. always have been.

i was out of town this weekend for my uncle's wedding. my grandparents, who are quite unlikable, have chosen him as their favorite. my father, who you might think had done everything right is their least favorite. interestingly, you wouldn't have thought that my grandmother gave a flying flip that jeff got married. if you can't muster much emotion for your favorite son's wedding, i wonder how it would have been at my father's. was grandmother even in attendance? did she spend the whole time catching up on sleep?

my mother's family was probably happy and excited. they are a friendly lot. they don't do anything right and they don't even know that they are doing things wrong. my dad's family, on the other hand, is tightly wound. we are all on a spiderweb of my grandmother's weaving. any misstep triggers a vibration that alerts her to her prey. we are done for. always. she bites and we become a little more paralyzed with each attack.

my uncle must be nearly fifty. this is is first marriage. my aunt has no intention of marrying. my grandparents have scared it out of her. there is no love in that family. i think whatever there might have been died with my uncle charlie in the mid 1960's. being around my father's family is depressing.

this picture is of the harried boys. my father is twelve years older than jeff. he didn't make a toast at the rehersal dinner when all of jeff's friends were toasting. my father later said that so many people had already spoken that he didn't think his toast was necessary. i said that i guessed that, based on what people were saying about jeff, that i must not really know him. kind, helpful, full of integrity, and honest. these are not the traits i would have listed. but, i don't know jeff well. my dad said that he doesn't either.

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i quit my job at einstein's. i'm going to look for another in just a few minutes, i swear.

i slept like crap last night. in fact, it is still, for my money, last night, and i should be in bed dreaming about stickers and toys. but, i am awake and have been off and on since about 11pm. why? worry, i suspect. worry is keeping me from sleeping. this time when i woke up, i realized that i left something off of my syllabus, which i had already asked someone to print for me since i will be selling bagels for all of the hours leading up to the class i lecture. i am a mess.

also, the bagel job is stressful. at this exact moment in time, i want nothing more than to quit it. but, i need the money. so, i can't.

i like thinking about how this leave that i am taking was supposed to contribute positively to my mental health. initially, the decision felt good, but that has worn off.

i feel like a failure at grad school. don't argue with me.

i feel icky and annoyed because i am part of the casualization of education. seriously, do professors ever actually teach undergrads? do instructors ever get paid equitably?

i feel like a snob because i don't want to make bagel sandwiches. i really don't. it is not fun. not at all. plus, running back and forth between two jobs is not my cup of tea. i become really worried about time. punctuality freaks me out.

i am whiny and middle class. my parents would be ashamed of me right now. you do what you have to do, my mother would say.

but i am having so much anxiety, mom. i thought that i was supposed to be having an anxiety-free semester. do i have to move home and live in my parents attic in order to have peace in my brain? i will be a shut-in. this, or something better, will manifest itself for me.

at 11:00, i got to einstein's for my second day of work. today, i suspect i will be working on the line making bagels primarily. i am bad at remembering to ask all of the details. if they get a lunch sandwich, i forget to ask if they would like potato salad or potato chips. i also forget to give people their pickles. and it takes me a long time to make a sandwich because i have to check on everything that goes in.

but, i don't think about it when i am at home. so there!

1. i am taking a leave this semester.
2. despite my non-dissertator status, i will be lecturing soc. of gender.
3. lecturing will not pay the bills.
4. i am going to be working part time at einstein's bagels to supplement my income. do not be suprised when you see me there.

just thought you might want an update. i am off for my first day of work now.

sean is pretty much my best friend in the world, even though he went through a phase in which his hoodie was greasy to the touch. i talk to him all of the time and talk about him nearly as often. now you can get a little piece of sean, too, if you'd like. he's started a blog and he has given me the go ahead to link it.

when you visit his blog, keep in mind that he is NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY, CONNIE. connie gave him a complex by commenting early on that his first post was boring. like the boy isn't neurotic enough!

a small warning: his artwork is not for the young, impressionable, or easily creeped out.* just yesterday, i told him that looking at his artwork always makes me wonder about the diseases that must be at work on his mind.

* yes, i am easily creeped out. it is through sheer force of will that i am able to turn my gaze upon his hideous beasties.

today is shaping up to be uninspiring.

i've been reading Partly Cloudy Patriot by Sara Vowell. i think my brother or sister-in-law gave it to me for christmas/solstice/whatever. in the book, there is an essay about the meaning of being a twin. i am not a twin, but i am still very close to my siblings. we are good friends in addition to being relatives. i mean, when i lived in austin, i regularly hung out with chuck and christie because i really, really wanted to. they are funny and we like the same kind of food. we have a good time together. i love them a great deal not just because they are neat people, but also because they share an understanding of my specific history. they know about catching crawdads in the big drainage ditch across the street. they know about walking down by the dump to pick blackberries. they can laugh about the time mom and dad broke the window in the kitchen when they both knocked on the glass to scare away a squirrel, despite repeatedly chiding us for knocking on the window. they also know how not funny that moment really was because it could have ended in my dad throwing a hissy fit (it thankfully did not).

anyway, i was thinking, as i was reading about sara vowell and her twin, that i often get more upset in movies and books when someone's sibling dies than when someone's parent dies. i tend to cry during any fictional account of death, but make it the death of a relative and the crying lasts all day. i may watch the movie at 12:45 (matinee prices!), and suddenly start crying about it again at 6:30 while I am cooking dinner.

i think on some level, i am much more prepared for my parents to die. as much as i don't like to think about it, i must admit i have. i think it is one of those things that kept me up so late when i was in elementary school. i had horrible insomnia when i was a kid that i have mostly outgrown. when i think about my parents dying, i know that i will have chuck and christie to help me through, but what should happen if one of them dies? i know my parents would be there for me, but, i would really feel like a part of me had died, too. i feel like my brother and sister are part of my understanding of the world. if they are gone, some of my memories will be gone. some of my ways of processing information will be gone. some of my survival techniques will be gone.

my brother and sister are not in any particular danger of dying. well, i worry a bit about my brother living in new orleans right now. the lawlessness of that town seems to have escalated even more. plus, i really think he must be exposed to so many environmental contaminants dredged up by the flood. other than that, i think we can all sleep well tonight knowing that i don't have to prepare for a life without my siblings any time soon.

i'm finally sleepy enough to sleep, i think. i was having trouble. i'm not sure i have resolved all of the problems that i was worrying about regarding my siblings, but i think 1:14 is too late for me to worry about it anyway.

* from an episode of the simpsons. lisa makes a model of the state flag with the state motto "to fraternal love" written in macaroni. during the night, bart changes the flag to read "learn to fart." my brother and sister would never do this!

the lyrics from yesterday with audio and video. do not watch if you are epileptic. seriously.

jeff lewis tells it like it is.

anxiety attack

i lay down every night but i can't get no rest
cuz it starts spinning in my brain
& then it's pounding in my chest
what if i wasted all my youth
what if i wasted my growing up
what if wasted my whole life
oh man i feel like throwing up
its an anxiety attack, an anxiety attack
i've got bad case of the horrors
& at night, it comes back
first i look back at my week
& then i look back at my year
then i'm terrified to speak
then i'm paralized with fear
i'm tossing & i'm turning
and i'm going 'round the bend
all i see are all my failings
downward spirals without end
then i see horror in the future
then i see horror in the past
then it's 4am, 5am, 6am at last
cuz what if i never feel grown up
then die in a car accident
& what if i go crazy
& what if this time it's permanent
& what if i go broke
& have to move back with my parents
& then what if i got a cancer
& i ain't got no inssurance
all my days are moving faster
& it's making me feel dizzy
how come i get nothing done
but always feel so busy
& i used to feel so smart
you know i used to feel so strong
but this just can't be how to live
i must be doing something wrong
because everything i might do feels
like something else i can't
then another day is gone
& i just don't know where it went
i try not to hang out too much
try not to watch too much television
but still everything i do
seems to be the wrong decision
i lay down every night but still i can't get no rest
cuz it starts spinning in my brain
& then it's pounding in my chest
its an anxiety attack, an anxiety attack
i've got bad case of the horrors
& at night, it comes back