the wrong side of the bed
Monday, November 29, 2004
things in common
well, because i am generally too cheerful and too optimistic, i took a chance and read the online journal of the girl jeremy wrote about on his blog. as a result, i found out that i share in common with a 16 year-old accused murderer a love of jhonen vasquez. yep.
Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.
Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.
9:31 AM
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Sunday, November 28, 2004
confusion
when i woke up this morning i thought, for more than a moment, that it was saturday. it isn't. it's sunday. and the crushing weight of everything that i neglected to do over the thanksgiving holiday is suddenly encroaching on my bubble of happy irresponsibility.
if only i could have saturday again! or even friday.
if only i could have saturday again! or even friday.
8:10 AM
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Saturday, November 27, 2004
haven't spoken to no one
i'm up early today. for no reason except that i seem to have fallen asleep with my light on. i was up later than i wanted to be because a friend called me after i had already settled down for the night. i was already a bit antsy then, and the call woke me right up, though i desperately wanted to be asleep. and now i am up early. as soon as the clock turns to eight, i am going to call this person and demand a breakfast excursion. if you know me, you know that i am no fan of breakfast foods. if you know me better than that, you know that i actually love to get breakfast and that i love to be up early. being up early makes me feel like i am part of some big secret. did you know that the world exists at 5:30 in the morning? i do. i have seen it with my own eyes.
wake up for me.
wake up for me.
7:31 AM
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Friday, November 26, 2004
do you remember when people used to read my blog?
do you remember when i actually had something worth saying?
6:08 PM
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when you were little / you dreamed you were big / you must have been something / a real tiny kid
when i think about people like beth ditto and ariel schrag, it puts my already pathetic life into perspective. some people are just so fricking talented that they accomplish things that i could never hope to at ages when i was still using my youth as an excuse to goof off. some people have more innate ability than i do, work harder than i do, and achieve more. some people have less ability, work harder, and achieve more. and there is me. i woke up at 8:30 this morning and have been trying to get started working ever since then. i have accomplished nothing today. nothing.
i am so scared of writing. how is it that i am in a field that requires me to do so much of something that makes me so scared and depressed? is it just that everything could potentially make me scared and depressed?
ah, dorotha, get a grip.
i am so scared of writing. how is it that i am in a field that requires me to do so much of something that makes me so scared and depressed? is it just that everything could potentially make me scared and depressed?
ah, dorotha, get a grip.
5:53 PM
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004
i was living in a devil town
can't tell how today will be. i hope i make it through.
someday will someone just clue me in?
someday will someone just clue me in?
7:47 AM
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Monday, November 22, 2004
a real good time
my high school classes began at 7:25. when i was younger (okay, and still now), i was a little bit neurotic about time. i lived about a 5 minute drive from school, but i still insisted on leaving home at 6:45 to get there on time. this meant i often got one of the best parking spots, right next to the reserved spots for the coaches.* it also meant that i arrived when it was still a little bit dark out. i love this time of day. the world always seems so still. i love 5:30 even better because, for a moment, i feel like i might be one of only a handful of people alive in the whole fricking world. people overwhelm me. but, the best thing about getting to school this early was definitely dawn. the sky would be this amazing color of blue and the sodium lights in the parking lot of my school would glow all yellow-orange in the sky. as i got out of my car, i would take a moment or two to just look. then i would go into school and sit alone in my classroom reading horror novels.
this morning, barney "sue" woke me up at six so we could drive around town looking for the best parking lot with the best sodium lights. then we watched the sky turn from black to blue and i remembered that even though i hated everything about high school, i actually didn't. some shit is good.
* yes, hankster, this time i do mean "coach".
this morning, barney "sue" woke me up at six so we could drive around town looking for the best parking lot with the best sodium lights. then we watched the sky turn from black to blue and i remembered that even though i hated everything about high school, i actually didn't. some shit is good.
* yes, hankster, this time i do mean "coach".
8:26 AM
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Sunday, November 21, 2004
reassessment
i've been thinking since friday that i may have been a bit hasty in my decision not to have children. well, that isn't fair exactly. i have always said that if i accidently acquired a child or children, i would go ahead and keep it/them and raise it/them as my own. i mean, it might be my own, so why not treat it that way?
i think that i might actually be willing to go out of my way to have children. yeah, you heard me. i realized on friday that i like kids a lot. they are funny and dumb and i bet they would make me laugh and i could hug them. sure, i'd have to clean up puke, but maybe that isn't so bad. i dunno.
it is just that i have always liked being around kids and i really dig toys, kids' music, and playing. i think, as moms go, i wouldn't be boring. i mean, the kid(s) would have a shitload to tell his/her/their therapist(s). from someone who has seen that side of the couch, i gotta tell you, shrinks eat that shit up! well. i guess. my parents weren't all that bad, truth be told.
i do and have worried that i would be a mess as a parent because i am so frickin' neurotic. i mean, just from a genetic standpoint, anything i produce is probably gonna need meds beginning in the K-5 years. on the other hand, my parents are pretty nuts and i haven't offed myself yet. so, maybe the harried genes don't totally suck. maybe. that's all i'm saying.
i think that i might actually be willing to go out of my way to have children. yeah, you heard me. i realized on friday that i like kids a lot. they are funny and dumb and i bet they would make me laugh and i could hug them. sure, i'd have to clean up puke, but maybe that isn't so bad. i dunno.
it is just that i have always liked being around kids and i really dig toys, kids' music, and playing. i think, as moms go, i wouldn't be boring. i mean, the kid(s) would have a shitload to tell his/her/their therapist(s). from someone who has seen that side of the couch, i gotta tell you, shrinks eat that shit up! well. i guess. my parents weren't all that bad, truth be told.
i do and have worried that i would be a mess as a parent because i am so frickin' neurotic. i mean, just from a genetic standpoint, anything i produce is probably gonna need meds beginning in the K-5 years. on the other hand, my parents are pretty nuts and i haven't offed myself yet. so, maybe the harried genes don't totally suck. maybe. that's all i'm saying.
10:45 PM
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Saturday, November 20, 2004
it was a day like any other
tonight i have to go to a silly potluck for my area in the sociology department. even though i see these people all the fricking time at school, i am still made nervous by social interactions with them. since i am not driving i will probably drink too much. then i will say something ridiculous to a faculty member who will then think me an even bigger idiot. why am i so bad with living things? this reminds me that i need to water my plant.
last night, barney and i had a really relaxing evening. after girl scouts, i was too tired to do much of anything other than veg out. we had mac & cheese and veggie corndogs for dinner. super yummy. for me, it is boxed mac & cheese all the way. i know, the kind your mom used to make is supposed to be the "comfort food" version, but this is the kind my mom used to make! after that, we watched Edward Scissorhands. really, barney watched it. i fell asleep halfway through. i love lazy evenings. tonight will be the opposite. urgh.
last night, barney and i had a really relaxing evening. after girl scouts, i was too tired to do much of anything other than veg out. we had mac & cheese and veggie corndogs for dinner. super yummy. for me, it is boxed mac & cheese all the way. i know, the kind your mom used to make is supposed to be the "comfort food" version, but this is the kind my mom used to make! after that, we watched Edward Scissorhands. really, barney watched it. i fell asleep halfway through. i love lazy evenings. tonight will be the opposite. urgh.
10:21 AM
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Thursday, November 18, 2004
what shall we do to tonight?
okay, so the blogpoll is closing at 5pm today. i want to make plans with my imaginary boyfriend, so i need to know his name. help me out, would ya?
11:04 AM
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
1:34 PM
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And theres a good chance everytime of the day I'll be thinking of you in the nicest way
tired of being single? who isn't? yeah, it is time to get proactive! but, actual people are such a pain in the ass. what to do?
i reccently read about websites that offer services that a real girlfriend might offer. no, no, not like that! this is just some of the ephemera that might clutter up your life if you, you pathetic loser, actually had someone to love. these girls will send you letters and emails and show an interest in your life. fan-fricking-tastic! i think that i am going to create for myself an imaginary boyfriend. i can talk about him with my co-workers. it will be awesomely awesome. maybe we can go for weekend getaways to the circus world museum in baraboo. we might go out to stoughton and lie on the hood of his car just to look at the stars. i can tell people about all of the little spats we have. i can complain about the way he eats with his arms on the table.
i think i will have to buy myself a locket to put his picture in.
i reccently read about websites that offer services that a real girlfriend might offer. no, no, not like that! this is just some of the ephemera that might clutter up your life if you, you pathetic loser, actually had someone to love. these girls will send you letters and emails and show an interest in your life. fan-fricking-tastic! i think that i am going to create for myself an imaginary boyfriend. i can talk about him with my co-workers. it will be awesomely awesome. maybe we can go for weekend getaways to the circus world museum in baraboo. we might go out to stoughton and lie on the hood of his car just to look at the stars. i can tell people about all of the little spats we have. i can complain about the way he eats with his arms on the table.
i think i will have to buy myself a locket to put his picture in.
11:39 AM
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Monday, November 15, 2004
lifetime piling up
ah! it is my favorite time of the semester. i just love the exhilaration that comes from spending every waking moment in terror because there is no fucking way that i can possibly accomplish everything that i need to before the end of the semester. i just love having adrenaline coursing through my veins. another panic attack? why, yes, i'd love one!
note to dorotha of three weeks ago: couldn't you have done something? did you have to accept every social invitation that came your way?
note to dorotha of three weeks ago: couldn't you have done something? did you have to accept every social invitation that came your way?
7:03 AM
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Saturday, November 13, 2004
living life
i've had a miserable week which was exacerbated by the fact that i kept forgetting to take my crazy meds. so, on top of everything, i had more panic attacks than i would have liked and i was going through withdrawal. i should really take better care of myself. anyway, today seems, so far, much better. in fact, i might actually feel happy. don't let on and don't worry. it will pass.
i'm learning to cope with
the emotionless mediocrity
of day-to-day living
i'm learning to cope with
the emotionless mediocrity
of day-to-day living
1:58 PM
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Friday, November 12, 2004
pride cometh
i've never been particularly proud of anything that i have done or accomplished. my family just isn't like that.* the things i like best about myself are largely accidents and it hardly seems like good form to take credit for them. i mean, i do enjoy it when people laugh at the things i say, but i have such little control over the things that come out of my mouth that i wonder if amusing people isn't just a by-product of breathing through my mouth instead of my nose.
i can almost sometimes be very proud of things that other people have done, but only if i try really hard. it doesn't, however, take much for me to be proud of my friend sean who deserves a few accolades. good work on finally getting the recognition you have earned for both your artwork and your teaching. you are very talented and you have worked very hard. moreover, you are not a mouth-breather.
* once, when i was having a particularly difficult time dealing with my anxiety, my mother did tell me she was proud of me for mustering up the nerve to leave the house every morning. the world can be a daunting place! but, this is the only time my parents have ever been proud of me, at least to my knowledge.
i can almost sometimes be very proud of things that other people have done, but only if i try really hard. it doesn't, however, take much for me to be proud of my friend sean who deserves a few accolades. good work on finally getting the recognition you have earned for both your artwork and your teaching. you are very talented and you have worked very hard. moreover, you are not a mouth-breather.
* once, when i was having a particularly difficult time dealing with my anxiety, my mother did tell me she was proud of me for mustering up the nerve to leave the house every morning. the world can be a daunting place! but, this is the only time my parents have ever been proud of me, at least to my knowledge.
7:48 AM
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Wednesday, November 10, 2004
half full/half empty
this morning i had the most awesomely awesome time teaching my students. i had two sections in a row and they both went really well. i felt like i was actually teaching them something and that maybe they were even learning, too. it was invigorating. in my second class of the day, my student who sounds like the musical robot kid from spellbound and who is a big GWB supporter did something sweet for me. i left one of my favorite pens on the desk after class last week. he picked it up, at first thinking he would snag it from me, but then decided that it was such a good pen that i must really love it. today when i came into class, a pen was sitting on the desk. i went on and on about how much i love that kind pen and how neat it was that i got one for free that still had ink in it. after class my musical robot kid came up to me and explained that it really was my pen. i think he may be my favorite republican.
then i fucked my teaching day up.
i totally neglected to teach one of my sections this afternoon. actually, i was fully prepared to teach it, i just somehow got it into my head that the class started twenty minutes after it actually does. by the time i realized my mistake, my students were long gone. and i am left feeling like an idiot. i don't know. ang tells me to just give them blow-pops next week.
then i fucked my teaching day up.
i totally neglected to teach one of my sections this afternoon. actually, i was fully prepared to teach it, i just somehow got it into my head that the class started twenty minutes after it actually does. by the time i realized my mistake, my students were long gone. and i am left feeling like an idiot. i don't know. ang tells me to just give them blow-pops next week.
3:09 PM
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Saturday, November 06, 2004
reminded me of something about humans
i went to a peace rally today. my friend jon invited me along. he said that he felt like he needed to do something to get rid of the cruddy feelings he had because of the result of the election. i understand. i felt abysmal on the 3rd. more absymal than my normal state even. but, going to the rally did not make me feel much better. oh, it felt good to be with like-minded people and all, but i just couldn't help but think of all of the work ahead of us if we don't want to lose all of the rights that we have gained over the years. when i spoke to my pops on the phone on wednesday morning, i swear i have never heard him sound so dejected. my dad is not a man who shows emotions other than irritation, aggravation, and ire. well, occassionally humor. i had never heard him sad before. i think it must be frustrating to have been around during the civil rights movement and to have been a conscientious objector and then have things slipping back to the same place. if i feel worn down, imagine what my parents must feel, and my 90 year old grandmother who watches CNN and C-SPAN all day long. they have certainly earned their dejection. i tried to tell my students to keep fighting the good fight, but what do i say to the people who taught me that message?
anyway, going to the rally did not make me feel happy on the inside. daydreaming sometimes does, and that's what i will do right now. am i thinking of you?
anyway, going to the rally did not make me feel happy on the inside. daydreaming sometimes does, and that's what i will do right now. am i thinking of you?
6:36 PM
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Thursday, November 04, 2004
going to the chapel... a lot!
in case anyone out there is keeping track of this, please note that i am invited six weddings this coming summer. six.
excessive, no?
excessive, no?
4:55 PM
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Tuesday, November 02, 2004
the count ain't just a muppet on sesame street
i voted this morning, dragging a reluctant friend along with me. i always feel good when i vote, but today i just felt apprehension. i'm scared about the outcome of this election and the prospect of endless lawsuits challenging the results distresses me. and what about challenging voters at the polls in ohio? that's just fab.
add to this that i did not receive an "i voted" sticker at the poll. i must have engaged in something other than voting. i'm sure this means that my ballot and the ballots of everyone who lives near james madison park will promptly be thrown into lake mendota.
add to this that i did not receive an "i voted" sticker at the poll. i must have engaged in something other than voting. i'm sure this means that my ballot and the ballots of everyone who lives near james madison park will promptly be thrown into lake mendota.
7:56 AM
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