the wrong side of the bed
Thursday, June 30, 2005
for autumn
10:09 PM
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candy
10:08 PM
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basically an unhappy person
my mom and i were discussing the friend that i mentioned in the previous post. i was telling her how weird it is that this friend seems, at least on her blog, to be a happy person. is it awful that part of me is disappointed by this? she was always so unhappy seeming. all of the good parts seem to have eclipsed all of the bad. her blog persona seems so excited about life. she always was excited by some things. really, truly enthusiastic. we used to make going to the hardware store into an adventure. we played imagination games when we were in high school. all of these fun parts of her are still there, but the part of her that i had to drag out of her apartment when she couldn't bring herself to face the world seems to be gone. why am i still the same?
my mom was telling me i should be glad that my friend seems to be doing better. i am, but i feel betrayed. this isn't the person i knew. my mom told me that i had changed to. have i? i don't think so. mom thought i was happier, i told her that i am pretty sad. mom tried to convince me that she is happier, i told her that i thought she was sad.
why is everyone i know so sad? and why aren't they sad enough?
my mom was telling me i should be glad that my friend seems to be doing better. i am, but i feel betrayed. this isn't the person i knew. my mom told me that i had changed to. have i? i don't think so. mom thought i was happier, i told her that i am pretty sad. mom tried to convince me that she is happier, i told her that i thought she was sad.
why is everyone i know so sad? and why aren't they sad enough?
9:13 PM
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i feel funny
henry just found the blog of a friend of mine who i had assumed was dead. i've not read all of the posts. she seems weirdly... happy. how is this the same girl?
11:51 AM
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talk to me now
belle was just reminding me that it is hard when things matter. she is right, of course. it is especially hard when so many things matter. how am i supposed to think about them all? it is too much. my strategy? i don't know, i don't know.
buckle down. bite the bullet. face the facts.
throw caution to the wind.
buckle down. bite the bullet. face the facts.
throw caution to the wind.
9:31 AM
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005
heaven knows i'm miserable now
i am still looking for a job for next year. please, please, please hire me for something. or tell me if you see any openings. i don't totally suck. i have some basic skills, i swear.
2:44 PM
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Monday, June 27, 2005
not only do i talk about all of you in therapy, i talk about your blogs, too
nothing too bad. i promise.
4:11 PM
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Sunday, June 26, 2005
at the late night, double feature, picture show
jeff's got a challenge over on his blog. he wants us to list movies that we are ashamed to admit we like. this is tough for me because i have no shame. let me see what i can dredge up here...
1. the cutting edge. you know, it's that cheesy ice skating movie. i dunno why i like it. i don't even know why i've seen it. i only watched it twice, probably because i was embarrased to rent it. i haven't even seen it since high school.
i seriously can't think of anything else that i am embarrased to admit that i like to watch. i mean, i will admit, publicly, that i like UHF. is there anything more potentially embarrassing than that? hell, i own a copy of that movie and will even lend it to you.
i will keep working on this, jeff. (btw, jeff, i don't think bill and ted have aged very well. i'm sorry. i thought this movie was absolute genius when i was younger, but rewatched it on TV last summer. i forced myself to watch the whole thing for old times sake, but it hurt to do it.)
1. the cutting edge. you know, it's that cheesy ice skating movie. i dunno why i like it. i don't even know why i've seen it. i only watched it twice, probably because i was embarrased to rent it. i haven't even seen it since high school.
i seriously can't think of anything else that i am embarrased to admit that i like to watch. i mean, i will admit, publicly, that i like UHF. is there anything more potentially embarrassing than that? hell, i own a copy of that movie and will even lend it to you.
i will keep working on this, jeff. (btw, jeff, i don't think bill and ted have aged very well. i'm sorry. i thought this movie was absolute genius when i was younger, but rewatched it on TV last summer. i forced myself to watch the whole thing for old times sake, but it hurt to do it.)
11:10 AM
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Thursday, June 23, 2005
waiting for the fever to break
ang isn't very happy. neither am i. on my walk to school, i was thinking about how i am pretty much a waste of a person. i mean, there are so many other configurations of traits that would get you a much, much better person. i know this isn't a healthy way to think, but i couldn't seem to help it. sigh.
careyoke is sharing my bed with me for a couple of days. last night, in my sleep, i cuddled up to her, which woke me up. when i realized what had happened, in my hazy half-awake state, i debated whether or not to just fall back asleep, my butt squooshed into her gut. i remembered that she hates to be touched while asleep and slid back over to my side.
i need snuggles. tonight she may not be so lucky.
careyoke is sharing my bed with me for a couple of days. last night, in my sleep, i cuddled up to her, which woke me up. when i realized what had happened, in my hazy half-awake state, i debated whether or not to just fall back asleep, my butt squooshed into her gut. i remembered that she hates to be touched while asleep and slid back over to my side.
i need snuggles. tonight she may not be so lucky.
11:02 AM
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enough?
cub - a picnic
I'll take you on a picnic for two
Grass is green and the sky is blue
Got a basket and a bicycle
We've got rainbow popsicles, and
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
Fish a nickel from a hollow pond
Cast a spell with my magic wand
Ants are dancing in the sun
Birds are singing everyone
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
My mother said to pick
the very best one and you're not it
My mother said to pick
the very best one and you're not it, but ...
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
update (a few minutes later): i forgot to add that the first time i heard this song, i thought that "you bring me carrots and celery" was really "you bring me negative calories."
I'll take you on a picnic for two
Grass is green and the sky is blue
Got a basket and a bicycle
We've got rainbow popsicles, and
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
Fish a nickel from a hollow pond
Cast a spell with my magic wand
Ants are dancing in the sun
Birds are singing everyone
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
My mother said to pick
the very best one and you're not it
My mother said to pick
the very best one and you're not it, but ...
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
You bring me carrots and celery
update (a few minutes later): i forgot to add that the first time i heard this song, i thought that "you bring me carrots and celery" was really "you bring me negative calories."
10:44 AM
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
the life i made - it ain't what i meant
do you know how when i am sad i listen to sad music? i'm not listening to anything right now, but it is still playing in my head. a lloyd cole cd that i bought reccently at half price books. sentimental fool, it has meaning for me. one song from the album was on the first mix tape that a boy made for me. it also reminds me of the place i worked in college. my friend aubrey would play it all the time.
i am 29.
i wish i had money to buy music with.
i am 29.
i wish i had money to buy music with.
4:07 PM
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Sunday, June 19, 2005
karaoke krazy kostume khallenge
so, over at careyoke's blog, ang issued a challenge. we are supposed to dress "inside-out," meaning that we should dress the we we are on the inside. i'm having a problem with this because i think i already do dress the way i am on the inside. i don't think that there is some secret aspect of my personality that others don't know about. maybe i am more on the inside. if i am immature in my daily life, then i suspect that to some extent i am filtering the manifestations of my immaturity such that those around me don't know that i am even more immature than i let on. i've thought about what might be the biggest, most overwhelmingly strong part of my personality. i think it is probably that i am like a kid. should i wear my overalls with my hair up in pig tails? i'm pretty morbid, should i totally goth it up? i'm a slob, so maybe i should come in my pajamas.
i don't know, i don't know. what do you think i am like on the inside that other people don't know?
i don't know, i don't know. what do you think i am like on the inside that other people don't know?
10:45 AM
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Friday, June 17, 2005
grouch
someone is a little bitter. i look like sunshine and flowers by comparison!
1:04 PM
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Thursday, June 16, 2005
there isn't an original bone in her body
all of my friends (i would link their blogs, but there are just too many) have decided to start doing weight watchers. i've never been one to obsess about my weight. i know i'm too fat, but i have been this way my whole life. the few times that i was skinny, i didn't even know, and by the time i figured it out, i was fat again. anyway, i don't really care about my weight most of the time, but now that all of my friends are slimming down, i'm sort of jealous. and i sort of feel fat. in fact, this week i feel especially fat. i also feel especially hungry.
i've got to go to the grocery store this weekend and load up on cauliflower and spinach (her normal diet) for careyoke's upcoming visit. while i am there, i will try to buy lots of healthy things. that way, when the pressure finally gets to me, i will be prepared to eat my weight in leaves instead of beer brats (my normal diet*).
but, that is next week. today i really want some pizza.
* i'm lying. i actually live on kit kats and ranch dressing.
i've got to go to the grocery store this weekend and load up on cauliflower and spinach (her normal diet) for careyoke's upcoming visit. while i am there, i will try to buy lots of healthy things. that way, when the pressure finally gets to me, i will be prepared to eat my weight in leaves instead of beer brats (my normal diet*).
but, that is next week. today i really want some pizza.
* i'm lying. i actually live on kit kats and ranch dressing.
9:27 AM
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
when i was just a little girl i asked my mother
earlier i emailed my mother the following:
don't get freaked out, but i hate grad school today. but what would i do if i left? the only thing i like are toys...
her response was:
I’m not freaked out by the notion. I think if you like toys you should work in a toy store and then be a manager or figure it out later. You don’t have to do anything earth shaking right this moment. If you have friends there, get a job there. It will come to you. All you have to be in this life is a good blade of grass and a happy one.
so, what should i do? what should i do? if you read angela's comment on my previous post, i think she is with my mother.
what do you think i should do? is working at a toy store for minimum wage with no benefits really going to cut it?
could someone please step up and live my life for me?
while you are at it, could you send my pop his father's day present? it is already wrapped.
don't get freaked out, but i hate grad school today. but what would i do if i left? the only thing i like are toys...
her response was:
I’m not freaked out by the notion. I think if you like toys you should work in a toy store and then be a manager or figure it out later. You don’t have to do anything earth shaking right this moment. If you have friends there, get a job there. It will come to you. All you have to be in this life is a good blade of grass and a happy one.
so, what should i do? what should i do? if you read angela's comment on my previous post, i think she is with my mother.
what do you think i should do? is working at a toy store for minimum wage with no benefits really going to cut it?
could someone please step up and live my life for me?
while you are at it, could you send my pop his father's day present? it is already wrapped.
2:48 PM
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
i'm asking you cuz you know about these things
so, really, how does a person focus? i don't seem to have a knack for it.
anyway, i'm thinking again that i'm not meant for grad school. i'm wondering where i should open my toy store. will i be any good at owning my own business? probably not. why not? because i'd probably have to read a couple of books like this or this. it will probably take as much will power to read those as it will to read for the prelim.
i actually just want to work in a toy store. too bad that won't really pay the bills.
anyway, i'm thinking again that i'm not meant for grad school. i'm wondering where i should open my toy store. will i be any good at owning my own business? probably not. why not? because i'd probably have to read a couple of books like this or this. it will probably take as much will power to read those as it will to read for the prelim.
i actually just want to work in a toy store. too bad that won't really pay the bills.
1:08 PM
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when i have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
i talk a lot, but for some reason i am out of stories right now. maybe i should talk less. then i might find myself with something to post.
11:22 AM
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Friday, June 10, 2005
irata is tobor spelled backwards
i was reccently telling jon about M.U.L.E.. it turns out that i am not the only one who thinks this was the best game on irata!
seriously, it rocks.
seriously, it rocks.
3:53 PM
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not by the hair on my chin-y chin chin!
last night i was hanging out with j and ang doing weird girly things like drinking expensive sparkling wine that came in cute bottles but tasted like ass and watching j apply tweleve coats of nail polish to her toes (ever since she straightened up she can't stop girlifying herself). at dinner one of us complained about a friend who reccently went on a twenty minute monologue about how much he disliked pubic hair on girls and how he much prefers a hairless hoo-ha. we ranted, moaned, and decried the patriarchy.*
back at ang's after our tasty dinner, we were watching some reality show about guys picked up at grocery stores and the like and given the opportunity to compete with each other to be strippers. it was, um, pretty gross. the guys were all living together,i guess, so they hung out with each other all the time in various states of undress. mostly the guys who were extra buff had their shirts off and the more normal looking guys kept theirs on. anyway, a couple of the guys had clearly waxed their whole upper bodies. it was distressing. they didn't look like people. people have hair. say it with me, world: PEOPLE HAVE HAIR. if soylent green is people, then soylent green will probably ocassionally get stuck in your teeth. that's all i'm saying.
some time ago i shaved my armpits for some reason i can't remember. i usually don't, so i can't imagine why i did. now i can't seem to stop. i don't really like the way it looks or anything. it's just that it feels so uncomfortable growing it back. i guess i'm going to have to be strong and just deal with armpit stuble. i don't want to look like some freakish plastic doll.
* while we were watching television, ang was trying to make a point about bands and came up with the band name "the soys." this reminded us of her ex who, after our first year of grad school, was visiting angela and, looking in her fridge and finding no milk, shouted, "ever since you started grad school it has been nothing but soymilk and patriarchy with you!"
back at ang's after our tasty dinner, we were watching some reality show about guys picked up at grocery stores and the like and given the opportunity to compete with each other to be strippers. it was, um, pretty gross. the guys were all living together,i guess, so they hung out with each other all the time in various states of undress. mostly the guys who were extra buff had their shirts off and the more normal looking guys kept theirs on. anyway, a couple of the guys had clearly waxed their whole upper bodies. it was distressing. they didn't look like people. people have hair. say it with me, world: PEOPLE HAVE HAIR. if soylent green is people, then soylent green will probably ocassionally get stuck in your teeth. that's all i'm saying.
some time ago i shaved my armpits for some reason i can't remember. i usually don't, so i can't imagine why i did. now i can't seem to stop. i don't really like the way it looks or anything. it's just that it feels so uncomfortable growing it back. i guess i'm going to have to be strong and just deal with armpit stuble. i don't want to look like some freakish plastic doll.
* while we were watching television, ang was trying to make a point about bands and came up with the band name "the soys." this reminded us of her ex who, after our first year of grad school, was visiting angela and, looking in her fridge and finding no milk, shouted, "ever since you started grad school it has been nothing but soymilk and patriarchy with you!"
8:09 AM
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Thursday, June 09, 2005
copy-cat
i'm stealing from jon and putting a quote of the day in my sidebar. it will always be something that i am studying for the gender prelim, but whether it is something i agree with, something i think is stupid, or something that amuses me will be up to you to figure out. enjoy.
12:53 PM
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hurt
WTF!!!!how come no one told me that jeff had a blog? seriously. i feel so rejected. i'm gonna have to go home and burn my self with cigarettes now.
jeez, people, keep me in the fricking loop, okay?
jeez, people, keep me in the fricking loop, okay?
8:19 AM
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Wednesday, June 08, 2005
not a world in which i want to live
i have been using my neighbors' wireless connection for the past few months. they are moving soon, and, as they are out of town for this month doing wedding stuff (their own), they have chosen to disconnect their wireless service. at least, i assume this is what happened. sadly, this means they have also disconnected mine. this is what i gathered this morning when i tried to get online and check my email.
i can't really afford wireless. what should i do? should i give up eating so that i can use the internet at home? should i stop buying earrings from claire's so that i can write blog posts at odd hours of the day and night?
i can't really afford wireless. what should i do? should i give up eating so that i can use the internet at home? should i stop buying earrings from claire's so that i can write blog posts at odd hours of the day and night?
9:57 AM
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Tuesday, June 07, 2005
i'm a nut, all golden brown/ laying on the hard, cold ground
everybody steps on me
that is why i'm cracked, you see
i was talking to my ex-boyfriend on the phone while i walked to campus after therapy this morning. i was telling him how i was a little bit disappointed with my session because my therapist and i ended up having a conversation about the discipline of sociology and how it differs from the humanities. i thought we were supposed to be working on improving my self-esteem. whatever. i guess my other summer project is being mentally stable enough to take a prelim without getting all fetal position about it, and i guess my therapist sees this as being related to the state of the discipline. i guess. sean asked me when my next appointment was scheduled, and i said i had another at the end of the month. to me, this seems like a lot. sean said, "that's it? i expected you to go twice a week or something."
thanks man. if i'm crazy, you made me that way. okay, of course i'm kidding. it was my dad.
that is why i'm cracked, you see
i was talking to my ex-boyfriend on the phone while i walked to campus after therapy this morning. i was telling him how i was a little bit disappointed with my session because my therapist and i ended up having a conversation about the discipline of sociology and how it differs from the humanities. i thought we were supposed to be working on improving my self-esteem. whatever. i guess my other summer project is being mentally stable enough to take a prelim without getting all fetal position about it, and i guess my therapist sees this as being related to the state of the discipline. i guess. sean asked me when my next appointment was scheduled, and i said i had another at the end of the month. to me, this seems like a lot. sean said, "that's it? i expected you to go twice a week or something."
thanks man. if i'm crazy, you made me that way. okay, of course i'm kidding. it was my dad.
11:45 AM
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Monday, June 06, 2005
not a pretty girl
monrovia posted her first batch of pictures from the wedding. she called this one "bridesmaid for sale." does she think i look like a hooker? i think i look kinda silly. what kind of weird niche marketing hooker would i be? i can't even begin to imagine what kind of clientele i would attract. tween girls? can't be that many of them willing to pay me for my services...
yeah, so this is what i wore to the wedding. middle-class, churchy, midwestern moms kept telling me that i looked "beautiful" and "pretty." i think that is something you are supposed to say to bridesmaids. i wanted to say, "can't you see the fake pink hair from claire's that i am wearing in my hair? c'mon! i look ridiculous!" but, i held my tongue. i was very polite the whole time... with the possible exception of asking a video camera why i was the only person at the wedding who hadn't made out with monrovia (family excluded).
6:22 PM
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Thursday, June 02, 2005
because i hate to be in charge
jon came up with a prelim plan for me. i am very grateful because i don't like making decisions. his plan involves me studying over in the math library (i am on my lunch break right now, but will be going back as soon as i post this). i had never been in the math library until this morning. it is actually a pretty nice place to study and there isn't much to distract me. my fear of libraries and my disinterest in math (sorry, jon!) will prevent me from wondering around and browsing titles.
back i go. next break at 2:40.
back i go. next break at 2:40.
12:31 PM
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Wednesday, June 01, 2005
the celery stalks at midnight
just in case you want to stalk jon, check out this link. click on "engineering mall" or "ms&e" for your best chances of seeing him.
9:19 AM
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there were nine in the bed and the little one said
last night everyone who helped careyoke move showed up at my place for pizza and beer courtesy of her parents (cute aside - her british mother ate her pizza with a knife and fork). her parents gave us a ridiculous amount of beer, and we did our part to drink it all (two are buried in my fridge behind some of the more questionable produce). anyway, round about 10:00pm, people started piling into my bed. the previous record, a respectable three, was beaten by an additional six people. due to some unfortunately placed elbows and such, i am afraid evan may not be able to have children.
anyway, we will all miss careyoke very much.
anyway, we will all miss careyoke very much.
9:11 AM
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