the wrong side of the bed

this post will change later. for now, just know that i am lonely. i am about to have a meeting with some warring parents, but i will still feel lonely. even though things might come to blows, i will feel disconnected from it all.

i want to go home and go to bed.

Labels: pout

no, not so much. i feel sort of anxious-sick. work is stressful lately. my team is not living up to the goals, objectives, indicators, and whatnot. makes it hard to be happy. i come into work singing, but at the end of the day i am always scowling. too many meetings and too many other responsibilities. i'm not entirely sure what people in offices do with this. how do you get rid of that horrible feeling of not caring that much about your job but being expected to care about your job and it is your job so you better fucking do it?

so, yeah, i'm not in love anymore. i was pretty hyper and peppy this weekend, but that's kind of done for the week. i'm tired and down. i mean, i washed dishes and i am doing laundry, so that is sort of like being productive, but i really don't feel like doing anything else. i could probably bring myself to sew something.

i don't know. give me something else to be in love with. i think i am going to get rid of a plant, so don't ask me to love a plant. it is dying so i am going to give it to jon. not because i am going to be all like "here's a dead plant, fuck face!" more like, "dude, i can't take care of this, maybe you can since you seem to suddenly enjoy plants". so, give me something else to love. i don't want a mammal either.

i do still like my future roommate. i think. but i just like her, i don't like like her.

Labels: jon, things are relative, tired, trying to be positive, work

i'm sure that everyone who reads this blog is probably already my friend, so you already know that jon and i broke up a few weeks ago. it is sad because these things are always sad, but it is also very good for me already. when i was dating jon we never did anything. he hardly ever wanted to leave the house except to go eat or go to toy stores. i'm already doing more things with other people. and while i am sad for myself, i am also very sad for him because the boy is so messed up. i don't think his particular vices help him any, either.

i also feel like a chump. he emailed me last week to ask if i would water his while he is in ohio. i said yes because i know there is no one else he can ask.* it really bothers me because he almost never called me before because he was too busy sitting, but now that his calendula and tomatoes might suffer he sends me longer emails.

things are actually quite good when i am not being sad. besides, i am in love with two people already. a friend of a friend i met at a bar who lives very far away, which is nice. i did copy two cds for him to take back, and i think i come off as only mildly creepy for doing that. i am also in love with the girl who is going to be my roommate. we talked for two hours when we met. we like some of the same things and are both collectors.** she is also just learning to sew and pulled a bag out of her back almost identical to the one i am making my friend monrovia.***

2 people, a 2 hour conversation, 2 cds, a boy a 2 degrees of separation. i will endeavor to make it 3's!

* rob, his roommate, is even more lethargic and self-medicated than jon.
** she collects chicken related things.
*** it will be cute. hope i didn't give too much away.

Labels: collections, happy?, jon, sad

lately i have been making myself stay awake until i can barely keep my eyes open just so that i am not left lying in my bed, thinking, thinking, thinking. i used to have insomnia when i was a kid. this is just another flowers for algernon moment for me.

Labels: stubborn, tired

on monday my sister-in-law fell and broke her radius, basically right at the elbow. she was eating a bagel and talking on her cell phone while walking down stairs. she's very banged and bruised. tonight my father had a bicycle accident. a woman was using her cell phone while riding her bike. she cut my dad off or something and he flipped over the front of his bike trying to stop. his arm is broken in multiple places. my mother says it is also hanging at a funny angle. they iced it with frozen edamame. my parents are at the emergency room right now. dad brought the current issue of the bulletin of the atomic scientist and an AARP magazine. my mom is just watching non-stop coverage of the virginia shooting.

i am thinking i should avoid using my cell phone for a few days. then i will forget and get all willy-nilly with safety again.

Labels: family, ouch

my coworker lorene just came into my office and commented that it is not cheerful enough. i have toys all over the place! how is that not cheerful?

we have whiteboards on which we right down our numbers* and she thinks i should have a positive, uplifting quote on it. the numbers are depressing, so i guess i see her point. plus, i don't want to bring everyone down, i guess. do you have any suggestions? right now i just have a quote from bert (& ernie), but it isn't particularly uplifting. just "i love paperclips!" what would you write on my whiteboard?

* number of girls. we are down. there is a quota we have not met.

Labels: happy?, toys, trying to be positive, work

i was nudged into taking a position on the "sunshine committee" at work. the committee is in charge of organizing snacks and whatnot for holidays i don't actually care about. st. patrick's day, valentine's day, popcorn day, etc. we are currently planning for a going away party and a wedding shower. a complicated and annoying thing happened today related to this party planning. it freaking pissed me off. yes, it is ridiculous to get upset about the sunshine committee, but it would seem that there is no thing so small that i can't get upset about it. try me.

i have been pretty grouchy about all of the sunshine committee related things that i have been asked to do so far. today i almost tried to resign, but i wasn't sure if i would be allowed. i briefly wondered if i should quit my job so that i could quit the committee.

the funny thing is that i was pushed to be on the committee because i am a pessimist and it was generally felt that this would help me be more positive.

fuck that shit.

Labels: complaining, fuck off, work