the wrong side of the bed

i was just thinking that i am not that stupid when, for the millionth time in my life, i remembered that i lack discipline. how do i always seem to forget this? and why did no one ever teach me that doing things requires effort on my part? forget the job i have now. that clearly requires effort (and i am clearly not good at it* no matter how many hours i put in). forget that. forget about now altogether. focus instead on the fact that i could be doing more than i am.

i know, i am supposed to be thinking positive and not being mean to myself. this isn't exactly about that. i guess i just mean that if there is something that i want to do i shouldn't just think about doing it. maybe i should actually do it. maybe. i'm making no promises.

* for you optimists, i will say that i am not good at it yet. there is a possibility that i could get better, but it is slim. have i lamented yet about starting at roughly the same time as another employee in my same position? yeah, i was hired first. we were the top two picks for the job and they chose me. shortly after i was hired, another woman in the same position left, so they offered the job to the "runner up." it is sort of kind of horrible and embarrassing to suck so much more than the person i was chosen over. shouldn't i be doing better? she seems a natural in the position. all i am willing to say for myself is that i may yet improve.

Labels: complaining, i suck

my family celebrates christmas in a very secular way. we buy crap for each other and eat too much and don't think about jesus or whatever. we celebrated halloween when i was a kid, and we get a bit festive about it still (i don't think that wearing orange to work today counts as actually celebrating). when i was growing up, i was taught the following:

christmas = jesus was born (but he was just some dude, not some saviour. it is really just a birthday party, not like a big whoop or anything. don't talk about it too much at school cuz some people believe it.)
halloween = dress up to scare away spirits so they don't getcha (but ghosts aren't real. this holiday is an artifact of when people believed in malicious spirits. some people still do believe in ghosts, so maybe better not talk about this one either.)
easter = jesus came back to life (yeah, right. but don't talk about it. just eat some eggs and be glad you have yet another excuse to gorge your self on sweets. besides, it is really a pagan holiday, not that we are pagans.)
thanksgiving = be thankful you have food (but don't talk about how native americans were treated throughout modern history. just eat your turkey and pretend things are rad. and be glad they are rad, even though you have something to be thankful for and other people have a lot less to be thankful for.)

so, yeah, they are all sort of religious. except for thanksgiving, which is religious for some people because they are thankful to god for food (rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub) and probably they are also thankful for family, even though i hear lots of people fight with their families on holidays.

anyway, weigh in, why doncha?

Labels: family, questions, religion

actually, it is Operation Not So Fat. because i am getting pretty chubby. yeah. i can feel my fat jiggle when i walk. there are always snacks at work and i get zero excercise now that i don't walk 3 miles a day. i've got to find a way to get in some kind of work out. i don't have money to join a gym and i don't really want to walk in the cold. what should i do? any suggestions?

i just joined sparkpeople. it is sort of like weightwatchers, but it is free. it doesn't solve my excercise problem, though. what can i do in my living room? i think jumping jacks might annoy my downstairs neighbors. of course, they have woken me up hammering at midnight or later on three occasions. who hammers at 1:00 in the morning? do they have home decorating emergencies?

so, yeah, i'm sorry that i got fat. i will slim down.

update: okay, so i thought i would be able to find a link to the lyrics, but i can't. the "i'm sorry that i got fat" thing is from a wesley willis song. my friend sean used to sing it all of the time. i am not really sorry that i got fat. i'm sad that i'm expanding out of my pants, but i'm not apologizing to any of you about it. thanks for thinking i look cute (even though none of you have seen me without my clothes on and don't know that i look like some kind of pale sausage that someone has squeezed to tightly in random places).

Labels: complaining

i caught a bit of a story on the local news just now. i don't know how to express the kind of sad that it makes me. i'm not going to cry over it or anything. i think it makes me feel sort of weary and sad. according to NBC15, a man climbed a statue of a saint to pray for his epilepsy to be cured. unfortunately he fell when he was trying to climb down. the statue was quite large. he ended up with a serious head injury. serious head injuries are NOT good for epilepsy. i have a tolerable kind of epilepsy. i think if i had clonic tonic seizures i probably would have been diagnosed early, but i also think that i would be much more upset everytime i had a seizure. it is so much more noticeable to others. not only are mine invisible to those around me, but i can almost convince myself that they never happened.

Labels: epilepsy

you may have noticed that i have been quiet lately. my job does not provide much time for slacking, so i am having trouble sneaking in blogging. also, there isn't much i have to say that isn't a repetition of previous posts.

i did talk to my friend monrovia yesterday. she said that she that she thought about posting something in response to my m&m post, but that it seemed like so many people had already weighed in. i tried to make it seem like her message would have been something to the effect that she has known me since i was 19 and that i was just a grouch by nature. what she really was going to say was that i should stop my whining. (know, monrovia, i know.) she also thought i should be more forgiving of myself. well, i don't know about that. however, in the spirit of being more positive, i have been trying for the last hour to come up with things that i like about myself. this is what i came up with:

1. i have been a vegetarian since i was 17. i know this may not matter to you, but i am proud of myself because of this.
2. i vote* even when it "doesn't matter" because it matters to me.
3. i think i have a pretty cute face. when i was a kid i thought my nose was too big and my eyes were too squinty. i am over that.
4. i am good with kids even when other people want to punch them.** some kids are pretty darn annoying but i try to take my time with them. there is probably a reason they are annoying.
5. i am trying to be more tolerant. i am not tolerant, but i am trying, and that is important.
6. i try to find time to volunteer.
7. i love to get breakfast with people even when they want to grab a bite at 6:00 in the morning. i think this shows an admirable commitment to eating.
8. i think hard about the presents that i buy people.
9. i am quirky and creative.

* i don't always vote. sometimes i am just not on top of the issues and don't think i should vote.
** i am not good with kids that seem like they are spoiled. those kids get enough attention.

Labels: good things

my job requires skills that i am just not good at. organization and meeting deadlines. i should think of these as challenges, i suppose, but instead i really just feel like a failure everyday. i feel worse than i did as a grad student. grad school was difficult, but in a different way. with grad school things were painful because i was fucking up my life. if i failed, it hurt me. grad school is a selfish endeavor. in this job i am failing at so many things. i am always behind and more things just pile up. i can't seem to get organized. i can't catch up. the job is not fun or rewarding. i am not pulling my weight. i am not meeting the goals for the organization.

i wasn't at work yesterday. i am scared to check my voicemail and emails. i don't want to know how i have fucked up yet again.

Labels: complaining, fucking up, work

i am not a positive person. i am discontented with my life, the world, and hundreds of thousands of petty things. i will argue with you about almost anything except for politics. * i will complain until the unfortunate listeners to my rants tries to claw off their ears. on thursday, after listening to me spew my bitterness and hatred for 30 minutes over the phone, my mother and i had this conversation:

"where does all of this anger come from? what happened to make you so, so angry?"
"i don't know, mom. i am just a bad person."
"oh, dorotha, i am going to give you one m&m everytime you say something positive."
"you aren't here, mom."
"i will send some in the mail."
"if you do that, i will eat the entire bag at once. i have no self-control."
"perhaps i should give them to your co-workers..."
"not a bad idea, mom. feel free."

my co-workers and jon do not think this is a bad idea. in fact, on friday at work, i received 2 m&ms and two hershey's kisses.

my question is this: do you think that jeff and my mother have been talking? i think so.

* i am very, very ignorant about politics. i've got no excuse.

Labels: i suck, sour

if i were trying to be positive, i'd surely write a post about the awesomess of the pickle.*

* pickled cucumbers.

Labels: awesomely awesome

now that i have a grown up job, i have to think about my future. when i was a grad student and expected to one day be a professor, i just put parts of my growing up on hold, thinking that one day i would just magically have a planned out life. i know that the 2 professors who might read my blog probably* think i am a nut job for saying that. unfortunately, now that it is entirely unlikely that i will be an academic, i have to think about what i am going to do with my life. i can't just think assistant, associate, full. i have to think about the fact that my career may not just advance in a magical way. i have to think about what i want to do.** and, i am suddenly thinking about how i will never be able to retire and about how i will never pay off the debts that i have aquired.***

anyway, i guess what i wanted to say is this: thank the heavens i do not want to have children. i do not see how i could possibly handle planning my life and the lives of any other hangers on. so, don't give me kids. i just can't take it.

* probably? let's be realistic. i know they think i am a nut job. i am a nut job.

** i hate this. i know what i want to do. sociologist.

*** debt depresses me. especially because i had a whopping zero dollars of debt before i started grad school. for various reasons, fiscal irresponsibilty, not making a lot of money, etc., i have a chunk of debt that will loom over me for a long time. and my debt is so pointless because my degree is so pointless. i'm not even sure that i have grown as a person. i don't even know if i have actually aged.

Labels: complaining, sour, work

the littles are back on t.v. huh. weird. i loved the littles when i was a kid. i thought their contraptions made from leftover household items were awesomely awesome. remember? they were produced by DiC. i remember that, even though DiC was pronounce "deek" i always felt that it was uncomfortably close to "dick." i was a prudish kid and i never cursed.

anyway, i'm having a problem with a different kind of little. one that is a little less cute than a mutant mouse. in keeping with my bug theme, i seem to have fruit flies. i have made my own traps, but i'm not sure if they will work. i will let you know.

Labels: bugs, tv